Girls give me headaches. I'm done with them. I want real women.

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Homecoming actually wasn't all that bad. It kind of worries me that I enjoyed it so much. It doesn't bother me that I enjoyed it, just the reason behind it. Mark went to the dance. He's a really good dancer and singer. We kissed. Tongue. He actually wasn't all that bad. A gentle kisser. Hehe. It's so adorable. Lewis said that I would be leading him on if I kissed him last night. I wasn't really leading him on. I actually wanted to kiss him. I like being with him. See, now I'm all fucking confused again about my sexual orientation and how that fits into the whole transgenderism. Not my orientation, but blah, I forget the word. It's pretty sad though that I would kiss him rather then someone else. The after party sucked. I spent the whole night trying to get away or pretend that I was sleeping that it wasn't really a party. It was more like chase to me. I would have gone home early if it wasn't for me being too fucked up to drive. Ughh. More stories later. I'm going to go take a nap.

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I hate talking to Chhai. I hate seeing Dao everytime I go to my school even though he really didn't do shit to me. I just hate the fact that I was so weak at the time that he would be able to convince me to kiss someone I didn't want to. But Chhai makes me feel close. Everytime he talks to me and asks me to hang out with him, I feel like he just wants to get into my pants. Which he does. It just makes me want to close off my sexual side again. It gets me to question whether a touch would ever mean anything to anyone. Or is it just something to please themselves. I hate it so much. So much. I hate him so much. I hate him for touching me when I didn't want to be touched. I hate it. I hate the way he makes me feel so dirty. I hate the way I feel so helpless and worthless when I'm around him. I hate the way I'm not able to stop him. I hate the way I keep giving him chances even though I know he's going to abuse it. I hate it when people are always pressuring me and forcing me to do shit that I don't want to fucking do, or I'm not fucking ready to do it. Talking to Candice and Chhai at the same time brought out some really bitter feelings. I really do understand how she feels about the whole waiting thing. It sucks having to wait. It sucks really bad. And sometimes I just wish that someone would wait for me instead of me waiting for someone else. Heh. I know Mariela won't. I know she wants me to do stuff to her that I'm not ready to do. And I know she's not willing to wait. Hence, the reason why I am not attaching myself to her too quickly. And it's the reason why I don't really care what happens with our relationship, at least right now I don't. After every relationship I've been in being them trying to get into my pants, I am VERY VERY fucking bitter and pissed off and angry and hateful especially after Bettie. No one really knows how much I have changed after her, no one really knows how much it hurts. I hide my pain through layers of colorful facades. I feel betrayed and used again. Now, I'm just depressed. I am going to bed.

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I really do care about her, and I'm scared of this dark road she's taking. When I look into her eyes, I see the past flashing back in slow motion, stabbing me ten fold for what was done and not done. What was said and not said. What should have been said but wasn't. I don't want to lose someone else to that world. It's the same look that I saw in this other girl three years ago. The same words. The same actions. Everything is the same. Is this just another form of denial? It feels like it. No matter how many times she's changed her front, her interior remains the same. I don't want to like someone that will eventually fuck me over, no matter how good of a heart she may have. People change and sometimes for the worse. I'm not going to stand around and regret not ever saying anything. Time for a phone call.

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I fucking hate you. Everything you fucking say is a fucking god damn mother fucking lie. Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU! I have the right to tell him. He has the right to know. You say you love me, you say you accept me, you say you support me. BULL FUCKING SHIT. Selfish fucking bitch. Fuck you. You don't even attempt to understand. You don't want me going to group because you don't want to lie to him. You wouldn't have to lie if I just fucking told him. But nooo, you just fucking told me to shut up. Fuck you. You don't even make an attempt. Heh. My dad always told me that the only people you have is your family. They would never betray you. Yeah fucking right. What an idealistic comment. I was betrayed by my own fucking mom. SO FUCK YOU. And fuck this god damn family. And you know, I actually attempt to try to talk to you about it. But you don't. So FUCK IT. I GIVE UP. Y'all have always hated me for who I am. That's why I hide myself so well. Everything single fucking part of me, y'all always disapprove. This time. I.don't.care. My heart is cold. I am not the daughter that you wanted me to be. And I will never be the daugther that you want me to be. And I'm not going to let you bring me down. It's your problem. Not mine.

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I have so much to say that I don't even know where to begin. First off, I need to get laid. Seriously, it sucks. It really really sucks. I never use to be like this. But now, I have so much pent up energy, I just want to release it. Damnit! There is so much shit going on through my head and today's talk with my parents about skipping school triggered it all. Every single thing. Blah. I can feel my depression settling back in, but I can also feel myself fighting it. I'm always at a constant battle with my emotion. I wonder which one will win this time. Haha. I don't think I'll ever be as depressed as I use to be. I just see things differently now. I've changed. And plus, my period is soo about to start and I get sooo moody. The other night I remembered what it was like to "love" Bettie. Now, I don't remember. It wasn't love, it was something else. Infatuation. Lust. But not love. However, I did care about her and I really did open myself up to her, not all of me, but almost every part of me. Hehe. And I'll admit, I feel betrayed. I can feel my bitterness growing. As much as I want to make it stop, I can't. For the first time, I must say, she might be the first person that I'll turn my back on. Everyone has flaws. And I am perfectly fine with other people's flaws, I know how to deal with them, and I usually stay friends with people. But her, she has hurt me in more ways then one, and from the deepest part of my heart I truly believe that she is not a good person. That's a lot coming out of me because I think EVERYONE is a good person. Yes yes, I'm very idealistic. And it's not because she was my girlfriend. I truly and honestly believe that she is not a good person. And if she doesn't change, she will continue to be a bad person. Sadly, some people never change. But I'll admit. I am still hurt and no, I haven't gotten over her even though it may seem like I have. Half the time, I'm not even acknowledging the pain I feel towards her. But hell, if I keep blocking it off I'm not going to be able to get over her. Eh, I'm getting there. It doesn't hurt as much as May. Anyways, Candice found a chick that she is really interested in. She was telling me about it last night. Boy was I jealous. No, actually, I was just a little jealous. Even though I like her a lot, I'm not ready for a relationship, and I sure as hell refuse to do long distance. Well, at least, I have to meet her and see if we click in person. But I was jealous, but not so much now as before. And I'm glad she told me. In fact, lol, I told her to tell me. It's great that she's getting over Alex. It's great that she's finding someone new and close to her that she can see every single day and be close with and cuddle and all that jazz. I told her I was fine being her friend. And I mean it. I care about her. I care about her enough to want her to be happy. Hmmm. So I got caught skipping school, kind of. My parents and I had this talk. I don't really remember what it was about. My mom thinks the reason why I skip school is because of her. It really isn't. I just didn't feel like going. And I really didn't do anything except for go to Barnes and Noble and read. It's marching band, I didn't want to wake up early to go to marching band and it's a whole lot easier coming up with an excuse for a whole day then half a day. My dad was telling me that my mom would never give up on me, but it would be easy for him too. Yeah, fucking great. I don't think it occurs to them that the person that bothers me isn't my mom, but my dad. That I actually want to be close to him. I actually want to be able to talk to him. I want to be able to hug him without feeling so fucking awkward. I want it to be like how it was when I was a kid which I can just vaguely remember. I can't stand to be touched by my parents. It's pretty sad, but it's the truth. They wonder why I keep everything inside? It's because I was taught to. When I wear my heart on my shoulder and I don't have my guard up, it hurts, it cripples me. Like today, when I explained why I wanted Kerry to win and how I wanted to be more involved with the GLBT community. I told my mom that I don't want Bush to win because he opposes gay marriage and he wants to discriminate against a group of people. My mom goes, "I agree with him." And it just fucking hurts. God, it hurts so fucking much. And when I told her that she should go to group with me, she said, "Yeah, I will definitely go." And then she walks off all tense and shit. It was like she was saying it just to shut me up. Just to leave. She says she accepts it, but I know she doesn't. I mean, my own mother, would prefer to have someone discriminate against me, hurt me, over me being happy because she doesn't think that marriage between the same sex is normal. What's sad is, I can understand if it goes against her morals or whatever, but the sole reason why she agrees with Bush is because she doesn't think it's fucking NORMAL. So she believes we shouldn't have the right to marry. My own fucking mom. As for my dad, he doesn't even fucking know that I'm a lesbian. And I think if he did, he'll fucking drop me. As much as he says he will change for me, it's bull shit. I don't want him to change for me. I want him to change for himself! Because if he doesn't change for himself, it's not fucking real. And I know that if he's able to deal and accept this will be the one thing that will bring us together. Or it could be the one thing that tears us apart forever. And he doesn't understand that the one thing that I want in this whole world is being able to feel like he really loves me. I want to feel close to him again. But I don't want to hear another, "Get the fuck out of my house" or "you aren't my daughter." Even if he says it out of anger, it doesn't change the fact that he said it and it doesn't change the fact that it cuts my heart to pieces. Every fucking time he loses control, he always fucking says it. And he always says that he shouldn't have said that and he didn't mean it. But if it's repeated so many times, you begin to wonder if he really does mean it. He's not even my real dad. It scares me that one day he'll really mean it. There's pride parade on Sunday. And I wish that one day my parents will be proud of who I am. I wish one day they would be able to stand at the parade and watch me march and be proud of me. Be proud of me because I'm proud of being me. I'm proud of who I am. Everything that I always really want never happens, so whatever. I can't even go to my own parents for comfort. I could NEVER go to my parents for comfort. My childhood is flashing before my eyes. Ms. Hanna totally psychoanalyzed me a few weeks back. She said that I keep a part of myself hidden. The part of me that is bright, smart, and energetic. And she is completely right. That's my innocence. That's the part of me that no one has ever been able to touch. That's the part of me that I keep caged. It's the part of me that is so fragile and weak. I've kept it caged for so long I don't even remember how to let it loose. The only time I have ever let it loose was around Tim and a few instances in 9th grade. I've always had to hide behind a mask. There's so many masks that I wear, that it's nearly impossible to get to the core. And the funny thing is. I know what I can do to let it go. I'm really not trying to play the blame game and blame my parents for everything. But how I was raised, and what they do, has made me who I am today. If I came out to my dad, it would change everything, it would unlock the door to my cage. But my mom doesn't want me to. If I came out to my dad, and there was a bad reaction, it would still unlock the door to my cage. Both ways would work. Because I would no longer have to hide in secrecy. I could give a shit about the rest of my family. The one person I want to know is my dad. I didn't really care if my mom knew because we've always had a connection. My dad is the catalyst. I know it. But my mom doesn't want me to tell him because she doesn't think he can deal with it. And I know he knows. He's probably just in denial or something. He's not fucking stupid enough not to know. I haven't even begun to touch upon the shit that has been on my mind. There is so much shit, but I am soo tired. Goodnight.

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