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Spoiled
Thursday. 5.20.04 2:19 am
I just realized something about myself. I am so fucking spoiled. I mean, I knew I was spoiled, but now I realized just how spoiled I really am. Hehehe. It's kind of amusing. Sad but amusing. =D So I was thinking today about me getting jealous on Sunday because I wasn't getting enough attention from Mistress. *Giggle* It's nice to know that I'm still a kid at heart. Hehehe. So I think I know why I kicked that PS2 game Mistress had on the ground. Cause I was soo jealous that I just wanted to cause trouble. I haven't acted that way since May. Wow. It's so fun though. God, I remember I use to do that shit in elementary school. It was soo much fun when I got in trouble and I pissed the teachers off. But then I got home and got my ass beat and that was no fun. I was such a bad little kid. I was all tom boyish and badass, everyone was scared of me cause I beat the little boys up. Hahaha. I would get into so much trouble. It was great fun. I would give the substitutes hell. I was mean when I was a little kid. And then one day, I vowed never to be mean to anyone ever again. Purposely mean. I think I kept that promise pretty well. My favorite game when I was little was tag. No one could catch me except the really really fast guys. And I use to think all the girls were idiots and wusses. I didn't like girls very much when I was little. But now I LOVE girls. Hehehe. I have no idea why I am talking about this. I'm just really hyper right now. I just got off of work and I'm not tired at all. Or it could be because I'm tired and that's why I'm so hyper. And I totally got off topic. But yeah, I need to stop getting jealous. I just can't help my childish nature though. It's soo funn! And it's been repressed for so long. I think it has just been re-awakened. What great fun! Boing! Boing! Boing!

Jose is such a softy. He tries to act all bad ass and it's soooooooooo sooo cute when he gets all sentimental and shit. We were chatting in the morning and he was telling me how he knew that I was into BDSM and that's why he brought it up out of no where that one time. And then we started talking about him and how he just loves it when woman take control. Then he started talking about one of his ex girlfriends who was black and how she just controlled people that were a different race. He's hispanic btw if you haven't figured out from his name. But yeah, he was telling me how he was sooo whipped. Hehehe. That's sooo fucking cute. And then he started talking about being handcuffed to a bed. He also said that that was the only girl that he really loved. *Tear* Isn't that so cute? I think it's cute. God! Everytime I think about Ms. Hanna and Jose I burst out laughing. I don't think it's a good thing thinking about your math teacher as a dominatrix and whipping Jose into shape. It would not surprise me one bit to find out that Ms. Hanna is a Domme. Not one fucking bit. In any case, back to Jose. He's soo submissive. God. It's adorable. Absolutely adorable. I told him he should try BDSM one day. He said he was scared that he might like it. It would be sooo cool to have a sub buddy under the same Mistress. But then I would get jealous. Maybe that's not a good idea. But it would be amusing to watch Jose surrender himself to a woman.

I just have to get him involved into this shit somehow! Fuck man, he fantasizes about it more then I do.

Hehehehe. It's soo fucking cute.

Okay, I'm going to bed.

Night!

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Worried
Wednesday. 5.19.04 7:10 am
I'm worried 'bout Mistress.



Mistress hasn't called.

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I'm Back Again
Tuesday. 5.18.04 4:34 pm
I Love you, Mahmud!!!! Smile!



The pieces of my heart that she had stolen from me are now back again. It took this long for me to heal. Amazing. I felt it last night. I feel rejuvenated. It has been a long time since I was able to feel the warmth in my heart. And I just love that chaos and the peace that comes with falling in love. I've made a decision. Fuck the stupid crush I have on Mark. It's just a crush. I've decided to give my heart away, again. And I pray that things turn out differently. Mistress is someone that I trust very much, and it's her that my heart follows. I've decided to remain completely devoted to her and this time I can because I got pieces of my heart back that was stolen from me. I'm completely hers until there comes a time where I just fall out of love for her. And I feel that this time I can truly show it because she has all of me. Mistress owns me. And I know no other way to express my love to her other then just giving her all of me. I don't expect the love to be returned. The "falling in love" that is. I just want a chance to love a wonderful, gorgeous, smart, and talented Mistress such as herself. Heh. I know why I was jealous.

I'm such a spoiled sub. I was jealous because I wasn't getting any attention because Mistress' attention was focused on that chick . And I was mad because I thought it meant that Mistress didn't love or want me anymore. I need to get rid of this jealousy thing.

I love you, Mistress!




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Pondering Moments
Monday. 5.17.04 7:16 pm
I always push people away like all of them are going to hurt me. I never take the time to get to know other people and they don't take the time to know me. And the ones that I don't push away, they end up hurting me. I believe that I really do set myself up to get hurt. I pick the wrong people to be friends with. Well, I have in the past. It's not so much now because I understand what I'm doing. Sorta. But the "friends" that were my friends in the past are still "friends" now. Why? Because I'm an idiot. No, it's because there's always a part of me that believes they will change. That they have a change of heart. I know it's possible. Mistress is right. Well, she's usually always right. But anyhow, I do need to get my power back from him. I need to learn to speak up and stand up for myself. I don't know why I haven't done it in the past, because I do it to some people. I guess it's generally because I don't like making people that I really don't know mad. But Ben is right. I have the right to express myself whether it is out of love or out of anger. If they get upset or hurt about it, it's their problem not mine. If you get hurt the first time, it's their fault. If you get hurt the second time, it's yours. I keep making the same mistakes. I need to change.

I need to learn to trust the right people. And I know I push away the right people. I push away people that care and shit. I guess it's because I take it for granted and those are the people that can really hurt me. That can touch me. But by pushing them away I usually hurt myself more then I help myself. It hurts to push them away. Part of the reason why I do is because I know they care and I like being hurt. And that's when I start falling into my depression. Or one of the reasons. I'm angry with myself for allowing it to happen. For instance, take physics class and Mr. Ort. Everytime I look at him I get depressed because I feel like I failed him. At they beginning of the year, I was making A's in that class, by the in of the semester I was failing with like a 40. When he took me aside and started talking to me, afterwards, I started crying. It just hurt so much to hear those words come out of his mouth. And because I liked being hurt, I didn't improve at all.

I'm so use to feeling like a failure to everyone all the time that even when someone believes in me, I make myself anyways because I believe that they expect me to fail so I do what they expect. And I guess the reason why I tried so hard in Ms. Hanna's class (Dude, her first name is Betsy. Hahaha. That so does not fit her. I so do not see her as a "Betsy") is because she was the first teacher that ever told me that I'm good at something. Excluding band directors and flute teachers. That's a whole other topic. I mean other teachers have shown it by talking to me saying I need to bring my grades up and shit but I never did because I felt like they were critisizing me and weren't really trying to help. Now I know that they just have their own methods. When I look into Mr. Ort's eyes I can see that he cares and I can also see that he's sad because I do have a lot of potential and he sees that I'm wasting it. That's why next year I'm taking his class instead of regular because I want to make him proud. He had the right to express his anger. I didn't have the strength to change before. Now I do. And I will. It's really hard for me to connect with a teacher. That is Priscilla's thing, not mine. But Mr. Ort is the one teacher that I have connected with in a long time, and because of that it hurts even more that I disappointed him.

I'm starting to gain a little of my confidence back. I just need to believe in myself. That's something that I lost when I was just a teeny tiny little kid. I have changed. And I'm not going to go back to my old self. It's just not worth it. For the first time, I feel that I love myself. And that is an amazing feeling. Most people are afraid of failure. I'm afraid to succeed. But times change and that will change.

-Jess

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Darkness
Monday. 5.17.04 4:30 pm
I can no longer use the excuse that I have no affect on people, because I know I do. After everything I have been through, I am still the person that I was in the past. And that right there is terribly sad. The only difference now is that I affect people. It makes me depressed to think that so little people really do affect me. Even the shit with him last night, it didn't really affect me. I realized something. Things that I don't like, do not exist. Today at school, I felt different. I went back to my old ways today. The way I acted yesterday was me in the past. I'm beginning to forget how to feel again. I can name one person that has changed me, who has affected me, made me a better person permanently. Everyone else, they affect me for a period of a time in my life, and when they are gone I go back to the person that I use to be. It might as well not have happened. It makes me sad to think that but it's the truth. I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to affect people anymore unless they affect me as well. Because those few that I do affect and who do not affect me, will end up getting hurt instead of helped.

Priscilla.
I love you. Thank you so much for your trust and kindness. You will always remain in my heart. You're loyalty and honesty is something that very few people possess. I thank you for being the best friend anyone could ever have. I'm grateful, more then grateful, that you allowed me to see you. That you let me in. It's the greatest gift that anyone has ever given me. Your genuine love has touched me in more ways then you could ever imagine. If I could express my gratitude in words, I would, but this goes beyond words, beyond actions, and even beyond expression. Thank you.

-Jess

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I make myself sick
Sunday. 5.16.04 11:21 pm
This is why I don't like hanging out with him. He's always trying to feel me up and shit and he doesn't stop when I tell him to. And to think I almost kissed him. That just makes me want to barf. Today sucked. It sucked ass. I'm falling again. Whee. What great fun. Not really. I was depressed. I've been depressed all fucking day. For the first time in a long time I've considered cutting. I thought I got over her. But I didn't. I thought I got over a lot of people actually, but I didn't. It hurt to see her with that chick. To maybe think that she was actually interested in her. I could just be paranoid. Talk about major jealousy. I'm starting to rue the day that I let that stupid emotion through. Even if she was interested in her, there ain't shit that I can do. That's why I'm like all pissy and shit and depressed. Because of all things, it still fucking hurts to see her with another girl who has a chance of gettin' with her. Who lives so near. Her eyes dialate when she looks at her. They don't dialate when she looks at me anymore. But then again, that is to be expected, we aren't going out. And he makes me feel dirty. He makes me feel weak and helpless. He makes me want to go shoot myself in the fucking head and put myself out of my misery. Not really. This is a bad weak and helpless. And I just loved how my mind went blank and all emotions left me when he had me pinned to the ground. You think I would be smart enough not to go to the park with him at night. Shiloh is ruined. It is now tainted with bad memories. I can never go back to that place without seeing that fucking scene in my fucking head. This whole sexual thing is not working out for me. I'm turning it off right now. Never again. Pleasure is just not worth it anymore.

It's time for isolation. I can't deal with these emotions anymore. Apathy is my happiness. There we go. Happiness is a choice. I choose apathy.

I'm putting an end to all of this.

Never again. Never again. Never again. Never the fuck again.

Everyone just leave me the fuck alone.

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