chris went to bed a little while ago, and i wasnt sleepy until it got quiet...i guess ill go to bed soon too...i still cant figure out if im slepey all the time because of the depression or if its just because hes been so quiet. maybe its both.

ugh 10 hour shift tomorrow...seems ridiculous...but i need the money, so im grateful...i dont know how were going to get through this month of next week even on the checks we'll be getting...hes only been to work one or two days this week (one? i think) and i only put in maybe 20 hours...gah!

i did a LOT of writing tonight...added to the outline as new things came to me...its amazing how once you start things just flow...

*sigh* i guess im goin to sleep...im suddenly really tired, no ones online to keep me awake, and ive written all i can tonight...

gnight all!

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Today was a long long day.
I woke up this morning, and Chris was still sick. I feel really bad that I can't make him feel better. I wish there were something I could do. I hate seeing someone I love so sick.

I didn't make the train I wanted to, but I still got to the lab on time. I decided to take a cab over just to get it over with, and he tried to charge me an extra $2 for circling the parking lot "looking for an entrance". He tried to get lost 3 times. I pointed to the building and went "that one!" and he pretended he had no clue where I was pointing. IT'S THE BUILDING WITH THE ADDRESS BLOCKED ON IT IN BIG BIG NUMBERS! I don't know if he was really that stupid or if he was trying to take longer so I'd have to pay him more, but I went, "I only have $8...the meter said $&.50 before we circled the parking lot only to end up int he same exact spot." He wasn't happy, but he didn't fight it. The time clock at the lab only ran to about 5 minutes before I had to figure out how to make it BACK to the airport. Traffic seemed harder to dodge today than it was last time, but I survived it. I did almost get hit by the employee lot shuttle though...so I got the next one. After someone almost hits me I try not to get IN his vehicle. A couple quick hellos and I was on my way home....

to meet up with Mandee and head out to Valley Forge! The last time I was in Valley Forge park was about a year ago, and we were only there for a half an hour or so before I had to be at work. I remembered at some point passing the chapel, but I had no idea where to find it. Luckily, Mandee and I made some fortuitous decisions and found it pretty quickly...because we were rapidly running out of sunlight! Mandee looked very pretty, though, and we took a LOT of nice shots before her poor legs and my fingers were ready to snap off from the cold. Stay tuned for more!

For now, I'm going to see if I can't soothe the sick boy for a bit... :( everyone send him love.

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so i had to cancel my shoot tomorrow morning so i can go to the airport (on my day off) early in the morning and dodge some traffic to take my drug test. i shouldve waited to call her one more day. it wouldve been SO much easier friday.

anywho, after that ive got a slightly paid shoot. i already owe her money and shes a co-worker...so itll be cheap, but hey, $20 is $20 hah.

i hope chris feels better tomorrow...i feel so helpless when hes sick..especially because im still kinda sick...he looks like how i felt the other day...:(

thats it for now...im sleepy...long day ahead tomorrow...i'm SO glad i have friday off too!

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but not my current sleep schedule.
i get one more day to fix this.
my next paycheck is going to kill me...but im starting to feel better.
eating a little bit, then im going back to sleep.

i HAVE to remember to call jennifer back today.

last night i talked to someone i never thought id hear from again. its weird how people cant fathom youve changed in 2 years, or how. to him, im filling in a pattern. to me, im a different person than i was when we dated. it was slightly surreal, but it was good to hear from him. i dont imagine itll ever happen again, as hes usually a man w ho sticks to his declarations. hes getting married in september, and i wish him all the best.

today i woke up and made it as far as outside before i couldnt walk anymore...but i slept, which means ill feel better soon.

wish me luck...

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so this whole thing with lauren turned pretty wrong pretty fast. ive apologized all i can at this point.

today i got up and went to work on an hour or 2 of sleep. thank you to a few special people who kept me from getting dangerously experimental in my desperate insomnia last night. i got through an hour of my shift before my body went into shutdown mode and bekah drove me home. i really cant afford to lose the hours...but i wasnt going to last the day through. ive spent the rest of the day trying to find my berrings again. no dice.

on a happier note. chad went with me to get red lobster takeout. i havent felt up to eating it yet, but its waiting for me when i can stomach the thought of food again. we had a long talk about the state of the union. its nioce to at least vent a little bit. i know he cant really give me advice or take sides, and im not asking for that. i just need to talk sometimes to sort my own thoughts.

i also started layout and prelim writing for the book i want to at least start this year. im not really sure where its headed, but well see. i wonder if i could borrow or rent a laptop for when im in dallas. id get some choice writing done. otherwise ill take a notebook and write until my fingers fall off. i might start a separate blog somewhere for writing. i dunno.

speaking of which...jennifer from chicago called me today! i LOVE hearing from jennifer from chicago because it means im one step closer! i havent called her back yet, because i like to be coherent when i talk to her, but i expect good things...maybe even a start date! yay!

ok there'll be more later...for now ive got some writing to do before i start to fade.

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im so fucking tired!
and all i can do is lie there, listening to him snore, grinding my teeth....not sleeping.
gah!
*sigh*

lauren sent me a message saying she's stuck at the airport because she's short on parking garage money. shes understandably frustrated and worried, and im worried for her, and i wish i could say im sorry... im sorry for every time shes picked me up which meant she had to pay for gas sooner, im sorry everyone i know at the airport is already gone for the night, im sorry septa stops trains especially on sundays, im sorry i cant drive to save my life, im sorry i cant go back in time and not make you spend an extra $2, im sorry i couldnt make the internet fare last another 12 hours, im sorry im sorry im sorry....im sorry i was only available to yell at via text message at 1am because i care, and i offered as much help as i could...im sorry that wasnt good enough.

and no...im never good enough.
not a good enough friend
not a good enough girlfriend
not a good enough photographer
not a good enough singer
not a good enough writer
not a good enough employee
not a good enough daughter, granddaughter
not smart enough, skinny enough, healthy enough, happy enough...
unreliable, undependable, inconsistent, inevitably a failure...
ya, thats me...

and i. can't. sleep.

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