a year ago...i thought i was making the responsible decision. what was best for me. what was best for my family. my family. i gave up a chance at a career, benefits, and a decent, stable paycheck for something that wouldn't last another week. still, those dreams haunt me. i know it'll happen when it's meant to, and that's not what bothers me still. did i give up? was i looking for excuses? or was it just unlucky timing? i remember being too sick to stand. i remember the feeling like i was going to either die at work or leave. i remember the panic. and i remember the day they told me it was over. no more speculation. i couldnt have made it without chris, and i cant think of anyone id have rather had by my side. heh, maybe he wishes he hadnt had to witness my gross medical stuff, but im glad he was there. a year...we've gotten through so much, and i do think it's made us stronger. i feel like we can pull through anything now.

that being said...im gonna tackle sleep so i can try to be asleep before he goes to bed. i can sleep with the sinuses as long as im asleep first...goodnight all!

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a shitfest of a day...morning, work, work, home...
im goin to bed.

edit: sometimes my feelings come across as selfish, and ya, they do to me sometimes too heh. im sorry. he appears to brush things off so easily, or to give up. and this is one thing i REALLY dont want to see him let go. i guess i always figured it would be ok if someday i have to let go of my dream...as long as he were still doing it. hes got more talent anywy. :( im sorry baby.

i really was just trying to help...
and i really dislike dan...
not because hell probably get to sing and i never will...
but because the only time ive seen him he was an asshole...and he tried to dry hump me...but whatever...if chad says he was "excited"....whatever...im not gonna get into it here....its pointless...and ive done it enough....

all i ever asked for was a chance...

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SO we all headed out after work. Destination: Electric Factory in Philly where we were to see Evanescence. Opening was Revelation Theory who I'd never heard before. They sounded pretty good. If nothing else, they put on a pretty active stage show. Then Evanescence came on, and I have to say...Amy Lee puts on one fucking hot show. They sounded phenomenal. It's been a long time since I've cried to "My Immortal" after hearing it played so much...but hearing it live brought instant tears to my eyes. You could feel the energy coming from just about everywhere. I really have no complaints about the night...except Wawa being out of mac and cheese...which I've craved for months!

:)

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"dont fight it...grow from it
dont deny it...let it inspire you
let it haunt you if it will...but dont let it take your soul
dive within yourself to feel the healing...but know youre never alone"

i send encouragement to a friend in the same rut i am this time of year...
for many reasons...
and i wonder...
these words come from the heart...
maybe thats where i need to start going when i haunt myself...


in happier news....about a year ago we welcomed this little man into our home and our hearts...i can't believe he's a year old!!!!



happy berfday punkin!

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she texted lauren a bunch of times last night...i guess she made it home, cuz she emailed her today apologizing for "miscommunication"...
and no, she never did give us gas money...

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i hate you because you're an inconsiderate bitch!

so we had that meet and greet thing today. lauren said she'd pick me up, but we also had to pick this girl out in bumblefuck nowhere. when lauren offered to take her, she was under the assumption that the information on her site was correct and she wasn't very far away. turns out she was over 100 miles away. youd think shed at least be considerate and decide not to go, but she insisted. she offered lauren gas money, so we agreed to still pick her up.

we get out there with little to no event, and it was actaully a nice drive with some pretty good conversation. ive now learned many secrets to making lauren laugh until she sobbs. hah. as soon as this girl walks out, the white trash-a-pallooza begins. first she cant figure out how to get in the truck. lauren has a 4-door extended cab. its not rocket science. once IN the truck, she never shuts up, and its all "me me me me me" talk designed to draw attention to herself. not once does she express any ounce of gratitude or consideration, even when we both point out that we have work tomorrow morning.

from there, because we're trying to get to new hope from ass lance nowhere, we get lost several times, making the total travel time from the moment lauren and i left lansdale 6 hours....and this bitch still has not shut up about herself or why men are stupid. she claims to be 22, but i could swear we picked up a 15 yr old somewhere.

FINALLY we make it to new hope and the party where she immediately manages to turn off one of the most highly regarded photographer at the party, if not in the immediate area. she also takes it upon herself to tell everyone she wasn't going to go but "they twisted my arm and dragged me here". LYING WHORE!!!

lastly...it's time to go. we're already leaving an hour and a half later than we'd planned, which puts lauren at home at 2am at the earliest. ( she was a doll and offered to bring me home first, even though itd add a bit to her travel time) we wait in the parking lot for OVER half an hour, and upon the opinions of a few others, decide to just leave. we call her twice, and even park in front of the place for a few to search for her. shes nowhere....so we leave.

yes, folks...we left her there. stranded in new hope. hopefully she's learned a good lesson on how to be a responsible adult. id say i felt bad if she hadnt been a bloody cunt the entire time she was in our presence.

that being said, the party itself was pretty nice. there was cake and networking. i met a few new people. finally got to meet jeff cohen and laurens friend "hot sara". i finally made it home, got some food, and in a few seconds....sleep...

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