so after this mornings moment...i had this awesome moment of clarity.
just kinda washed over me...peaceful.
im going to try not to worry anymore...i cant change what i cant change, and bothering over it means i a) wont have time to change what i CAN change and b) could possibly just make things worse.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

it's amazing how one dream, whether based in fact or not, can toy with ones psyche. i dont generally have vivid dreams about people i can recognize, but this one touched close to my heart. this isn't at all an accussation. just an observation on how easily our minds can flip on us. despite past incidents, and a recent weird occurance, we've been doing really well. i've been confident about our life together and all that it's capable of, and we've had discussions i've never dared even think about with past significant others, and we've managed to build the foundatin of a life together..

one dream.
one dream is all it took to shake up that confidence. maybe were not doing so well? maybe its all in my head? maybe its because im a headcase? i don't want to pull up that foundation again, and i'm really NOT considering it because of a dream...but its amazing how one dream that took less than 2 minutes can cast a feeling of dread.

*sigh* i'd hoped to get back to sleep soon, but its gonna take a little more mind clearing. my blood sugars a little high, so im definitely sleeping soon whether i like it or not. i have to call out for at least part of the day because of our maintenence inspection (so they dont let the dog out)...i'm considering giving it the whole day. i dunno, i'll decide in an hour.

i'm goin back to bed.

Comment! (0) | Recommend! | Categories: dreams [t], feelings [t]

Today's shoot went really well I think. I'll find out for sure when I pick up a few of the rolls tomorrow. I can't afford all 8 (yes...8) so I'll have to pick and choose. Chris helped me finish up my last roll by gettin all rockstar for me. Heh. Hot.

After 4 hours of shooting I was expected to be at the mall for a 3 hour meeting where I'd learn how to sell the new Very Sexy makeup line. Now, I'm not really a girly girl, although in the last couple years I've gotten slightly more so in some aspects than I used to be. It takes me a long time to do my makeup on the special ocassion that I actually wear it, because if I'm going to do it, it might as well be worth it. I do admit though that I have my girly moments, and I like to get creative! I really like some of the colours we have. I'm a big eye makeup fan (because I happen to think thats the only part of me worth looking at) but we got free lipgloss and lipstick, so I actually got some new colours. I don't really know why that all took 3 hours, but whatever. Free is good, and it's pretty nice stuff.

So afterbeing around hot model, then staring at pictures of models in hot makeup...Jenn feels rather ugly and fat...but oh well. At least someone thinks I'm beautiful (or at least told me so once upon a time).

On that note...I'm gonna go relax!

Comment! (3) | Recommend! | Categories: work [t], makeup [t], model [t], photography [t], shoot [t]

it's just really hard tp type with a low blood sugar...shakey, dizzy, no energy to fix the typos... itll take me forever too...so thissll be fun...

tonights sugar of choice...poptarts! i ran out of juice, and hard candys not cuttin it tonight...usually less fat = quicker, but oh well...

tonights protein of choice...vering from the usual peanut butter...cheese! i think this brick is technically chris', but we've got 2 bricks of pepper jack, so i don't think he'll mind...if he does, too bad...he can go in and get it...i tend to overtreat because i panic when its been a minute and im not all better...avg takes 5-10, so that gives me several minutes to overtreat and make myself sick...its been donwe..so i munch something sugar free, and protein or fat will help the last bit of sugar slow down and hhold on for a little longer to avoid crashin again in an hour...i really dont wanna wake up at 5 or 6am to do this all again...you're not helpin the diet, pop tarts!!

i hate wakin up like this...but at least this time there was no panic attack...the last few weeks my low symptoms have included panic attacks and quick, bright, floaters, which make me really nervous...for those of you new to the game, my mom went blind at the age of 22 (to be exact almost a whoe yr younger than i am now) from diabetic retinopathy while she was pregnant with me...as someone who enjoys my sight...and as a frickin photographer, this is the complication that actually scares the shit out of me...heart problems, neuropathy, dialysis i watched her deal with, and it never really terrified me...but they mentioned ONCE a few yrs ago that they were starting to see the slightest signs of leakage (rtinopathy is when the blood vessels in the eyes get thin, start to leak, and break, causing blindness as the retinas detatch) i freaked out and nearly ended up in the loony bin ( a talk for another day)...luckily, i improved my control a lot, and the damage wasn't too bad not to heal. it was the one thing that bothered me when i was pregnant...the heart things i could deal with, but suddenly losing my art work? unacceptable. so this panic attack, floaters thing...bothers me to say the least..and doesnt helpt he panic attack.

in the last few months ive really pulled in the reins and managed to get my sugars into severely improved control...i wasnt too badly over, but it was slipping, so i worked really hard to improve it...the only problem with that is that ive yet to peerfect the balance...so being ina normal range the rest of the day is usually followed (or preceeded) by a crash late night/early morning. i am not happy to be awake right now, but its starting to get better....and bed calls.

thanks for tolerating my shakey narrative.
gnight...and good cheese

Comment! (2) | Recommend! | Categories: low blood sugar [t], sleepy [t]

So Chris and I set out to find a few things...among them was film, a football, and a particular mask I'd seen at the mall on my lunch break and never bought. Today I decided I NEEDED it for tomorrows shoot. Figuring Target was my best bet when it comes to halloween decorations and paraphanalia, we headed there in lieu of Walmart. We found many things. A glow-in-the-dark football (woohoo! night football! hehe this could be useful), the movies Nightwatch and UHF, somewhat cheap film (although no one sells real b&w anymore and not that c-41 shyte), and a really neat candleholder. I also saw a few more things I want to get to decorate with once my paychecks go through. They did not, however, have my mask. :( I was somewhat bummed, and chastized myself for not getting it the other day as we checked out and headed to Wendy's. Fortunately, there's a PartyAmerica in the shopping centre next to Wendy's and they HAD my mask! AND it was $7 cheaper! Woooooot! We go from there to get food (which took WAY longer than it should've), and headed home for some good old Weird Al Entertainment.

Now here's where things go drastically awry. Are you paying attention? As I went to get the dog (who lives in the bathroom when were out/eating because he's a monster in cute clothing) I notice something slightly...not right. Then I turn on the light. Apparently the dog had an upset stomach while we were out (thankfully not when we were home and he was on less cleanable surfaces like our beige carpet), and theres a ginormous pile of dog poo on the floor, plopped there like he'd been working on it all day. He seemed really proud. Of course, no pile of poo is complete without a thick yellow moat. Definitely not what I needed to take on tonight. But, leaving it there held worse consequences, so in I went, first tackling the pile, then the pool. Then, just for good measure, I mopped the entire bathroom floor several times.

From there I realized the dog needed to also be washed, because no doubt hed galloped through the momument a few times. Now, Mowgli is the first dog I've ever had who not only dislikes water with an unmatched hatred, but is also apparently terrified of being wet. Add that to the facts that I forgot to take the cup back to the shower after our last bathtime adventure and that we no longer have a shower door like we did in the old apartment. I've learned by now not to bother keeping clothes on or imagining I won't also be taking a shower, so I prepped (which gives him the signal that it's time to panic) turned on the water, tackled him, and launched him into the shower. Luckily, he's only 25 lbs. The only way to keep him in the shower was to underbelly/headlock him like a crocodile, but since I had no cup (remember stuipid move #5 from earlier?) I had to turn the shower on full spray, do all the handiwork with my left hand (I'm in no way ambidexterous btw), and use my head to make a waterfall I could somewhat direct where I wanted water to be. Luckily, I was quick..like a bunny. When it was all over I had to sit with him for a few minutes wrapped in the towel like a baby so a) he couldn't leap from the tub and hurt himself, b) he wouldnt tear me to pieces, and c) he wouldn't be traumatized for life. Finally I got my "I love you" lick on the nose, and he looked up at me with those big pathetic puppy eyes in that sopping wet poppy head of his, and I was able to finish drying him and let him go.

Whew...so after ALL that I took a long long long relaxing shower with what was left I'm sure of the hot water. When's bedtime?

Oh, and in case you're wondering....we STILL forgot to buy toilet paper....

Comment! (6) | Recommend! | Categories: mowgli [t], halloween [t], shopping [t]

I added a slideshow! wooooo! Heh check it out!
I'm trying to figure out how to update the "reading" part...it would be perfect since I'm such a severe biblioholic! I WILL figure it out! (or one of you will lead me in the right direction...heh)

Off to walmart soon for cheap film, a football, and Halloween stuff! Halloween is one of my favourite days of the year ,and we have a balcony to decorate this year!!!!!

Comment! (2) | Recommend! | Categories: slidehow [t]