I sit here slowly. I'm too tired to sit up but too sore to lie down. It started most likely almost twenty years ago, but it's been explained away more times than I can count. I've been told I'm out of shape, not eating well, lazy, lying, just depressed, and "it's probably the diabetes". Anytime they couldn't find another excuse diabetes and depression became the scapegoats for anything wrong with me. An ex boyfriend of mine once proclaimed, "it's always something with you, isn't it?" He thought I was an over exaggerating hypochondriac. No, I just have a malfunctioning immune system. Thanks for being supportive.
This summer it worsened. It started at work. Suddenly I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open, and my legs started to weaken. My blood sugar wasn't low, but I hadn't been sleeping well. I leaned against the counter, afraid someone would see me sitting and get me in trouble. After all, it was probably my fault for not sleeping as much as I should have been. Over the next few days I lost my ability to walk at least once a day. Ryan found me on my face on the floor one day and had to help me get back on the bed. The night I lost most of my muscle control and started bleeding profusely we decided I was going to the ER. They triaged me, ran some tests, and concluded that I was healthy. They advised me not to skip meals and to get plenty of sleep from now on and sent me home. Slightly defeated, I made a doctor appointment and the marathon of tests began. Since then they've done urine cultures, blood cultures, and scans. They've tested for everything from Lyme to Lupus, AIDS, lymphomas, autoimmune disorders, and cancer. The symptoms worsened, and the more negative test results that came back the more depressed and daunted I felt. My anger control disappeared, and Ryan and I started having violent, often physical, fights. I started to scream at him and hit him for no reason, and once he had to hold me to the floor to stop me from hurting myself. With the possibility of my marriage ending and it being all my fault, the depression worsened. I started cutting again and crying for no reason. I've withdrawn a lot in fear of getting frustrated an losing my temper. I almost lost my job, and I'm still not out of the water there yet. I get constant shit at work about LWOP'ing out and "not wanting to work." Mr Self-Righteous Ex himself felt the need to anonymously criticize my "poor work ethic". Still...no answers.
Until the other day.
My cortisol level is over five times what it should be, leading all the symptoms to point to Cushing's Disease. They're not sure what the cause is yet, so there are steps still before the treatments. I'm ok with the idea of it. It explains a lot about my health for most of my life...why my hair falls out, why my tailbone broke so easily and refused to heal last winter, why I've never held a healthy pregnancy or had a normal cycle, why I bruise so easily, why everything that touches me hurts, why I'm ALWAYS sick or infected, depression, diabetes, insulin resistance, weight gain no matter what I do to lose it, an average heart rate of 120 or more, constant exhaustion and muscle weakness, anxiety, and so many more small ailments that have always been explained away because I've been "weak and oversensitive".
So I sit contemplating my demon...the possibility of chemotherapy, surgery on my pituitary or adrenal gland or my lungs, and the fact that it returns in 2% of adults treated for it. The hardest to swallow is the possibility that it either has or could render me infertile. There it is. I can face death. I have. I can face being sick. I have. Such a tiny little tumor has managed to hunt and pin down my deepest fear, the one thing I have refused to compromise my entire life. Since the last miscarriage I've had a nagging fear that I may never be able to carry a healthy child. The blighted ovum planted the infertility fears in my head. This demon makes that fear even more of an approaching reality. With this contemplation comes a surreal thought I haven't fully comprehended yet. The idea that in the end I may be healthier than I have been since I was a small child. I can't even fathom what that kind of health feels like. I don't expect it all to vanish instantly, and some of the damage cannot be reversed. Still, the idea that any of it wil go away...it's amazing now when I have a rare "good day", but the possibility of living a normal life..not even again, but for once...is absolutely indescribable.

So, with slight trepidation but also an imperative sense of optimism I enter this next step...finding the source and removing the demon. I have a lot of tests, struggles, and days where I'll feel like a slow, torturous death would be a blessing ahead of me, but I can't give up. I have to keep my faith, my will, and my patience intact. With my ever loving and supportive husband and my dearest friends at my side when I start to weaken, I know I can get through this. It won't be easy, but in the end imagine how much I will sparkle. Imagine how much stronger I will be for having fought the battle. I have always been a warrior. I have always been not just a survivor but someone who lives. This. Will. Not. Defeat. Me.

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Christmas Eve started on a bit of a rough note. I hadn't been able to work the day before because of the badge issue, but it was supposed to come in yesterday. I'd been told I still had to report to work anyway, so we left the house at 3:30am. The ice was extremely severe, and we slid several times on the way to the airport. I got there only to be told after Ryan had already gone that I could go home. By then he was too far away to safely make it back in the ice, and I wasn't even sure I'd be able to make it home. So...I sat around. And read. And tried not to fall asleep. I needed to get a new SIDA badge, but every time I got sent to someone to fill out the application for a new one they she told me she couldn't sign it. so...I waited some more. As soon as I got the form I was informed that I needed two forms of ID...one more thing I wasn't told ahead of time. I called Ryan, who said he'd try to get it to me, and begged someone to escort me to the D terminal to get my money order. Unfortunately the money order machine at the check cashing place was down, so I had to wait for him to bring me one of those, too. Two hours later I was still waiting. About noon I finally had everything I needed, but the office didn't reopen from lunch until 1:00, so WE waited. At 1:30 I had my badge, and we finally left the airport. About then I received a call to tell me Chicago hadn't printed my badge...I would not be getting my Southwest badge in time to work today. So..that was that. They left the form in the fax machine, and I would not be able to work until it got to me sometime Friday.
From there we went to pick up a few Christmas gifts for the baby and such. Then we headed out to pick up Master Lyam and head to Ryan's grandparents' house where we had good food and presents. Lots of good times. Lyam took a lot better to the stocking than he did last year, and he really seemed to enjoy himself. We got a couple new kitchen goods, which was wonderful! After dropping the baby off we came home to exchange our gifts. Ryan LOVED what I got him (oh, I'm good), and I got a wonderful surprise. A year after our handfasting, I now have a ring. It will be the engagement ring when he *officialy* proposes, but he wants to talk to my grandfather first. It's a gorgeous white gold band with a sapphire heart on it, all the wonderful coniving handywork of one, Miss Kristin. He also replaced the yin yang necklace I lost last year. I just need to get a chain for it.
Today we were supposed to go for breakast foretting that NOTHING is open on Christmas morning. Instead we were lazy bums until we headed to his mom's for food and car cleaning. We gutted the car and cleaned it out. It looks like a whole new car! The baby arrived just before we were about to leave, and she had him dressed like Santa! Nothing a little boy in a Santa suit does is UNcute. All in all everyone was in a good mood, and there was no drama, so the night went splendidly. I didn't get to spend the holidays with them last year, and it was absolutely heartwarming to be able to spend this year with my new family. I miss my family, yes, but this makes it a lot easier.
We were originally going to head home, but the movie passes Ryan's sister had given us were burning holes in our pockets, and Ryan wanted to see Valkyrie...so we went to the movies. The movie was fantastic! Not really the cherry end to the wonderful Christmas we'd had..but still good.

So tomorrow....no qork for ONE more day. My badge should be getting in so Sunday should be good to go. Saturday I don't work either jobs...and neither does Ryan...for the first time in forever..so we're going to enjoy it.

Goodnight and merry Christmas!

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- I love when exes come up on the "People You may Know" list.

- I can't cut wrapping paper from the roll in a straight line to save my life! Plus, I think a part of Ryan's gift may have been stolen upon delivery. :(

- First Steelers game I've been able to watch all season...and they're losing...dammit!

- Our glass chess set is missing a piece! The cat likes to move them around the board...but I've never seen her take them off the coffee table...dammit!

- I'm tired of bloodwork...more in the morning, which means I'm missing work AGAIN!

-I recently acquired a little blue stone. I don't remember its name...but it's gorgeous, and its energy is amazing. It was originally pegged as a psychic awareness stone, and I admit it makes my meditations absolutely mind blowingly vivid...but other than that it seems to have an odd personality. I'm not so sure it's a meditation stone as much as an enhancer, much like a crystal quarts. It seems to enhance ANYTHING I do when it's with me. Interesting...the experiment continues.

- Last night's Yule, the last of 3, was amazing. It centered around letting go of the pain from the past and starting clean. It was extremely emotional, especially since we'd fought the night before and dredged up a bunch of negativity from each other's pasts. Peachy, right? I screamed, cried...and laughed. That's right, in a moment of release from all my sorrows and bottled up pain and shadows and I couldn't stop laughing. I've cried so much lately I didn't have much of it left..and my next primal reaction was to laugh hysterically while I cried and let go of all the anger, bitterness, resentment, and fear...and laughed some more. We've got more struggles coming before it gets any better, I know. We both needed to let go of stale residue of pains of the past in order to have the strength to seal with those to come. Otherwise, this will swallow us whole. This seems like the perfect time for them to have found a clue to my condition. It's not an answer, but it's hope. Hope that an answer does exist, hope that there's a treatment if not a cure, hope that this will all be okay and maybe I'll be back to normal again soon. Hope may be all we've got, but it's something new.

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So the woman I thought for years would be my mother-in-law passed away yesterday. I wish I could be there more for him. He helped me through a lot of shit when we were together. Unfortunately being sick and working two jobs makes it almost impossible, and it makes me feel bad. I hope he knows I'm here in any way I can be..I hope he knows I care. His mom was a wonderful woman. Even after we broke up she always had a kind word and a hug for me, no matter how shitty of a deal she'd been dealt. My deepest condolences and most sincere thoughts to to her family, and I can't really describe how I'm feeling..sympathetic, empathetic, sad...all of the above and then some. From someone who has been there to someone who has always been there for me...*hugs*

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i need a new layout..but i suck at it...anyone else just as bored?

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Saturday I woke up sick...but a normal, identifiable sick this time...I left work early and came home to nap. Ryan offered to take me to work if I helped pull a rim off a car at the U-Pull-It, so we headed out and got a damned tire.Before that, though, the cat decided to attack the baker's rack and brought down our two cobalt glass chalices, our meade bottle from our first "date", and our handfasting candle. The bottle and the candle survived somehow...the chalices did not. It was very sad. The one I've had since I was 11 or 12, the other was a gift for our houseblessing. We had intended to use it in our handfasting. :( Oh, and my Galileo thermometer is no more. Still, I guess it could've been worse. Work was interesting with no voice and little lung capacity, but I muddled through. Ryan picked me up, and I came home to get a little sleep before work. This is where the craziness begins. Ryan was ecstatic because his grandmother had given him her coveted secret pierogi recipe, so he decided to make a batch for yesterday's Yule celebration. He started around 10pm, and was still cooking when it was time for me to get up for work. Still feeling sick, and he being exhausted, we headed for the airport. They let me leave early, and I came home to rest before heading out. Ryan was still asleep, and we both ended up sleeping just a little too long. We woke up, sped through the remainder of the cooking, super showered, and headed out. Our Google directions were terrible, so we ended up getting lost, but we weren't TOO late this time...

Yule was fantastic and full of insight for the coming seasons. As one of my last mesages was to plant my seeds int he winter instead of the spring, I was curious as to what messages would come to me on the holiday that heralds the coming of winter. I do have to say, it was an interesting night. Carm sets a beautiful table, and dinner was fantastic. Our pierogies and swedish meatballs were a hit, and everyone seemed in high spirits. We spent some time talking to Carm once everyone had gone home, then headed home ourselves.

Thir morning I woke up unable to swallow, hear, or stand. Wonderful. Ryan helped me sit up, and we decided there was no way I;d make it through a day on the curb. I called out, he went to work, and I have an appointment for 3:00. Apparently they need to "re-evaluate my condition" to see if I'm still sick. Hah. Fantastic. If it turns out to be this pituitary gland thing I'm making a shirt that says, "I'm really sick, but it's all in my head."

In any case, off I go...showet and doctor time...

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