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i should be a hair stylist!
Sunday. 10.1.06 10:03 pm
Chris and I have awesome hair tonight! I decided, since there was no way my hair was going to grow out anytime soon, and I didn't want ridiculous roots for Tara's wedding, I might as well dye it again. So...it's read once more!!! I even highlighted it myself! Pictures to come! We made Chris' black, and he looks awesome! I like the black we got this time. We'll see how well it holds.

That's it really... :)
gnight all...dinnertime

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we are family....?
Sunday. 10.1.06 8:30 am
So last night we went to Chris' aunt and uncles 25th anniversary surprise party. I like when I get to do things with his family because well...I don't see mine very often and I miss those kind of functions. I guess I never realized how important being part of a family was until I was far away from them. It makes a huge difference, too, that his family seems to like me. I've always felt welcome with them. Dinner was fantastic, cake was yummy (albeit really sweet), and I got to dance with Chris' grandmom...and slightly more awkwardly, his uncle who grabbed my hands and dragged coerced me to the dancefloor. I wish I'd actually got to dance with my boyffriend...but he'll only slowdance, and they didn't play a slow song until we were saying goodbyes. Oh well...maybe someday. Heh. I made it through half or so of SNL last night...I adore Dane Cook, so even though I have to work all day today, I wanted to stay up as long as I could. It was funny stuff! Heh bua alas time for my to catch the retarded sunday bus...which means I get to the mall 45 minutes before it opens because they can't make bus schedules for buses that specifically service the mall make sense. The last one leaves 10 minutes before the mall closes, which makes wonderful sense to those of us working there...Bah. Anywho, off I go! Have a good sunday, someone watch some damned football for me!

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long time no post!
Saturday. 9.30.06 9:51 am
So the other night I had a woman at work tell me my eyes had "beautiful contour". Heh, it's nice to get a compliment when I feel like the sheep in wolve's clothing working at that store.

Yesterday was pretty nice. Work was alright. About 430 Lauren (one of my newer models) came over and we did another set of shots. We actually did a LOT. In 2 hours we went through 4 rols, and 4 outfits. Hah! Later that night Chris, Chad, and I went out for a few drinks. After a stressful week, I really needed it. I don't really get "drunk", but I needed to be "relaxed" hah.

Anywho, Chris is takin his car to his moms, and we've got a function to go to tonight...but when he get's back we've got pumpkin bread! yay! have a good saturday all!

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never again
Thursday. 9.28.06 7:38 am
will i take excedrine pm when my heads already messed up. it didnt put me to sleep, it just made me feel exhausted and made my head more out of control, which eventually led to a pretty incoherent, incapacitated meltdown.

i know from past experience that he gets scares, and his tendency when im upset and he doesnt know what to do is to just let me get it out of my system. i also know that he has a wonderful ability to hold me and make me feel safe, he just usually leans towards option #1. last night it set something even worse off, and to me it meant i was alone, worthless, and unloved. i flipped out more, locked him out of the bedroom, and proceeded with my meltdown.

i really hope he knew how sincere i was when i said "im sorry" for things my head makes me do, especially when im like that, and unaware of it. i hope he knows how much i need him, especially at those times, and how much of a sanctuary his arms have become for me....if only theyd come to me when im falling. there was a night when we first started dating where he slept next to me holding my hand, and id never felt so loved or protected in my life...

someday ill figure out how to avoid these messes. someday ill get through to him just how much he means to me...

until then...dear diary...

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shitfest
Wednesday. 9.27.06 10:02 pm
First an update on my ebay situation...I sent the guy a message explaining what happened, all very diplomaticaly I must add, and I get a snide reply message stating "as far as we're concerned, we sent the items to your confirmed address and have no more say in the matter." I immediately went to PayPal to open a case against him, restating everything I'd already said. Now, their resolution center serves as an official mediator so two parties can work things out on t heir own. The parties have 20 days to either resolve the situation or escalate the case to a "claim" which means PayPal decides the outcome. The seller pretty much reiterated his "confirmed address" bullshit and escalated it to a claim himself. Asshole. So now I'm waiting for PayPal's decision. Then I go to ebay. He's definitely getting some extremely negative feedback from me.

In other news, I bid on and won a dress for Tara's wedding today. Hopefully it fits...according to the measurements it should.

Somehow tonight my blood sugar is 500, and I don't like that. I can't call out tomorrow, and I'm going to be exhausted. Hopefully at least the number goes down overnight.

I finally got an endocronology appointment..for December because the new woman I'm trying to get an appointment with is on maternity leave. But at least I finally have a date!

<<<>>>

In addition to all this, my depression cycle is back, and this time taking a huge toll in addition to my other stresses, first and foremost being money. I seriously considered giving up my photography today. It costs me a lot of money, and I don't see affording a new camera being in my near future at all, especially since it's going to cost us a lot of money for a new car, and this one's coming up for inspection in a few months, which doesn't give us much time to make a decision. I'm trying so hard to keep afloat, I DONT know how we're covering bills AND rent (which is due in a week), and I'm tired of falling further and further. I've always had fairly good credit, and now it's all falling apart because we CANT save and we're NOT getting by every month. The guy interested in me singing for his band gave me a demo, and as much as I TRY to learn t hese songs I can't. I don't like them. I don't like the style, I don't like the words...I just don't feel it. Do I want to sing? More than anything, that's why I'm trying to be satisfied here. I wanted to play with Chris more than anything, but they decided I'm not right for them. I was disappointed with my audition for them, but they assured me it was great, so I had some hope...all I want is one chance. One night behind a mic. I miss it. I miss the life that fills me on a stage. I just don't know how to get there again. That's why I'm trying so hard to dig what Mike's doing...it's just not me... so what do i do? I feel like giving up everything that makes me happy or passionate...i feel like id almost be better if i were a drone content to work all the time so we could get a car...ive been crying all day for no good goddamned reason, and im really tired of it...no wonder my blood sugars so high...i just cant do this anymore tonight...*sigh* i cant concentrate anymore...im goin to bed...

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feckiong ebay!
Wednesday. 9.27.06 11:00 am
So I bought 3 backdrops from ebay. I've never had a problem with ebay before,a nd I've bought a LOT of crap from the site. I paid by PayPal like I usually do, but as soon as I clicked "pay" I realized my address hadn't been changed. Oops! I immediately emailed the seller AND sent him an ebay message telling him what happened, and giving him my new address. Not long after, I got a reply saiying "no problem, I'll fix it, thanks for telling me." Four days later I get an email stating the items were picked up before the address could be changed, but that I could call UPS with the tracking number and have it changed. I was a little offset by this since I don't see how they could've been picked up by UPS less than 2 minutes afer I paid for them, and because it took him four days to tell me about it. I called UPS this morning only to find out they'd been delivered AND signed for at my old address by someone who obviously wasn't me. So now I'm pissed. Livid actually. I better not have been just fucked out of my backdrops. I sent him an email explaining my "concerns" and asking him to rectify this as soon as possible. We'll see what happens.

I wan't my fucking backdrops!

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