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because i was stuck outside for a fire alarm
Monday. 9.18.06 3:04 pm



i got bored...attempted my new lipcolours...maybe not Very Sxey...but fun nonetheless! hah!

hehe just so you know in advance...i have camwhore moments....usually when i attempt new eye colours...

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damn you myspace horoscopes!
Monday. 9.18.06 12:31 pm
damn you all to hell!
damn you, myspace horoscopes! damn you to hell!
Leo
Your current inclination is to make it appear as if everything is fine, but this may not be the whole truth. You are tempting yourself with daydreams of romantic love and magical sensual enjoyment. Try sharing a few of your fantasies with a sweetheart or close friend. However far away satisfaction may be on the physical plane, this isn't the best time to hide your true feelings.

hehe im gonna start writing my own horoscopes

"leo: get over it and take a nap or something..."

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adendum
Monday. 9.18.06 10:29 am
so after this mornings moment...i had this awesome moment of clarity.
just kinda washed over me...peaceful.
im going to try not to worry anymore...i cant change what i cant change, and bothering over it means i a) wont have time to change what i CAN change and b) could possibly just make things worse.

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feelings
Monday. 9.18.06 7:06 am
it's amazing how one dream, whether based in fact or not, can toy with ones psyche. i dont generally have vivid dreams about people i can recognize, but this one touched close to my heart. this isn't at all an accussation. just an observation on how easily our minds can flip on us. despite past incidents, and a recent weird occurance, we've been doing really well. i've been confident about our life together and all that it's capable of, and we've had discussions i've never dared even think about with past significant others, and we've managed to build the foundatin of a life together..

one dream.
one dream is all it took to shake up that confidence. maybe were not doing so well? maybe its all in my head? maybe its because im a headcase? i don't want to pull up that foundation again, and i'm really NOT considering it because of a dream...but its amazing how one dream that took less than 2 minutes can cast a feeling of dread.

*sigh* i'd hoped to get back to sleep soon, but its gonna take a little more mind clearing. my blood sugars a little high, so im definitely sleeping soon whether i like it or not. i have to call out for at least part of the day because of our maintenence inspection (so they dont let the dog out)...i'm considering giving it the whole day. i dunno, i'll decide in an hour.

i'm goin back to bed.

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free makeup and then some
Sunday. 9.17.06 9:41 pm
Today's shoot went really well I think. I'll find out for sure when I pick up a few of the rolls tomorrow. I can't afford all 8 (yes...8) so I'll have to pick and choose. Chris helped me finish up my last roll by gettin all rockstar for me. Heh. Hot.

After 4 hours of shooting I was expected to be at the mall for a 3 hour meeting where I'd learn how to sell the new Very Sexy makeup line. Now, I'm not really a girly girl, although in the last couple years I've gotten slightly more so in some aspects than I used to be. It takes me a long time to do my makeup on the special ocassion that I actually wear it, because if I'm going to do it, it might as well be worth it. I do admit though that I have my girly moments, and I like to get creative! I really like some of the colours we have. I'm a big eye makeup fan (because I happen to think thats the only part of me worth looking at) but we got free lipgloss and lipstick, so I actually got some new colours. I don't really know why that all took 3 hours, but whatever. Free is good, and it's pretty nice stuff.

So afterbeing around hot model, then staring at pictures of models in hot makeup...Jenn feels rather ugly and fat...but oh well. At least someone thinks I'm beautiful (or at least told me so once upon a time).

On that note...I'm gonna go relax!

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not drunk i swear...
Sunday. 9.17.06 3:09 am
it's just really hard tp type with a low blood sugar...shakey, dizzy, no energy to fix the typos... itll take me forever too...so thissll be fun...

tonights sugar of choice...poptarts! i ran out of juice, and hard candys not cuttin it tonight...usually less fat = quicker, but oh well...

tonights protein of choice...vering from the usual peanut butter...cheese! i think this brick is technically chris', but we've got 2 bricks of pepper jack, so i don't think he'll mind...if he does, too bad...he can go in and get it...i tend to overtreat because i panic when its been a minute and im not all better...avg takes 5-10, so that gives me several minutes to overtreat and make myself sick...its been donwe..so i munch something sugar free, and protein or fat will help the last bit of sugar slow down and hhold on for a little longer to avoid crashin again in an hour...i really dont wanna wake up at 5 or 6am to do this all again...you're not helpin the diet, pop tarts!!

i hate wakin up like this...but at least this time there was no panic attack...the last few weeks my low symptoms have included panic attacks and quick, bright, floaters, which make me really nervous...for those of you new to the game, my mom went blind at the age of 22 (to be exact almost a whoe yr younger than i am now) from diabetic retinopathy while she was pregnant with me...as someone who enjoys my sight...and as a frickin photographer, this is the complication that actually scares the shit out of me...heart problems, neuropathy, dialysis i watched her deal with, and it never really terrified me...but they mentioned ONCE a few yrs ago that they were starting to see the slightest signs of leakage (rtinopathy is when the blood vessels in the eyes get thin, start to leak, and break, causing blindness as the retinas detatch) i freaked out and nearly ended up in the loony bin ( a talk for another day)...luckily, i improved my control a lot, and the damage wasn't too bad not to heal. it was the one thing that bothered me when i was pregnant...the heart things i could deal with, but suddenly losing my art work? unacceptable. so this panic attack, floaters thing...bothers me to say the least..and doesnt helpt he panic attack.

in the last few months ive really pulled in the reins and managed to get my sugars into severely improved control...i wasnt too badly over, but it was slipping, so i worked really hard to improve it...the only problem with that is that ive yet to peerfect the balance...so being ina normal range the rest of the day is usually followed (or preceeded) by a crash late night/early morning. i am not happy to be awake right now, but its starting to get better....and bed calls.

thanks for tolerating my shakey narrative.
gnight...and good cheese

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