At my endo appointment the other day my doctor set a 2 month time window within which to make a decision. After that, if she's still not convinced, she'll send me to a different doctor. Fabulous. I really hope she makes a call on this. She took me off my bcp to make sure they aren't causing the hormone influx. We have changed pills since the onset of this, so I doubt that's it. In any case, it's a goal. Hopefully in 2 month's we'll have this resolved so we can do something about it.
In any case...I pulled my first 40 hour wrk week since I came back to work...holy shyte do I hurt. I was supposed to have 2 extra shifts, but I'm just not ready. Go ahead, tell me I have no work ethic.

Tonight we're suppoed to be seeing Coraline in 3D.

That's really it...God's I'm boring today.

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I NEED this http://tinyurl.com/besehg so bad!

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it's been a weird day...
ryan called me while i was on the bus to work to ask for his doctor's phone number. tonight he's all bandaged up after a run in with concentrated hydrogen peroxide that reacted with the acetone already on his hands. yay chemical burn. after several excruciating hours in the er he is home and highly pain killer drugged.

i got my wop for tomorrow, so imbolc will go as planned. i ended up being wop'ed today and wandered for a bit worrying about the boy and feeling a bit lost in general. a lot has gone on this week, and i'm mentally and physically exhausted, and today i couldn't breathe all day...it was just...exhausting. on top of it..i have no fmla and they're sending me to a second opinion doctor to see if i'm really not faking it. here's the bullshit of it though...the dude they're trying to send me to is in willioamsboro, nj. are you serious. new fucking jersey!?! there's not ONE second opinion doctor who will work with aetna in all of philadelphia? i had to call the lady today and inform her that i don't drive and i have no way to get to williamsboro, nj. i'm not taking njt and getting lost in jersey because aetna wants to be a dick. it's not like i'm milking an oji. i'm not getting paid for this. it took 6 months for my doctor to be sure she had a lead on it...what makes them think THIS guy is going to think of cushing's disease all on his own? anywho, the woman on the phone didn't seem sympathetic to my non-driving plight. i may be a witch, but i have not yet mastered that nose twitchy thing, so who knows. in addition, they made the appointment the day i'm supposed to be in california visiting my dad...so i'm going to have to reschedule anyway. i haven't seen my dad in 6 months...fuck you people. for a claim SWA won't approve anyway? what am i supposed to do with this?

it hasn't been all bad..just exhausting. started the last dresden files book. finally! tomorrow's imbolc ritual should be good. then sunday is...well you know what it is...STEELERS SUPERBOWL SUNDAY!

there will be a more cohesive post later...that's it for now...

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Alone with my thoughts is a position I only try to be in when it's absolutely necessary. Tonight, I was a bit relieved when he fell asleep early; I need a moment to face myself, regroup, and trudge on. My shadow self showed her ugliest today, just after I finished telling Dr K I didn't need a therapist or antidepressants. We'd been doing better. I'd been handling the outbursts more calmly. I've started meditating a lot again, and it has been helping. We've been cooking and cleaning together, and even enjoying the downtime. Mornings have featured less screaming, and I've been less paranoid and jumpy. Today, though, was a complete retrogression. Maybe it's the financial stress finally getting to me. Maybe I feel guilty because I'm not working. Maybe it's the hormones I'm overproducing. Maybe it's a fucked up Jenn's- Batshit -Crazy -Cocktail.

I got home frustrated. We still have no answers. More blood tests, she says. I'm so tired of blood tests and scans I can't see straight anymore. I JUST. WANT. TO. FEEL. NORMAL. I want this THING out of me. This demon, this sickness, this trial HAS to have an end. It's a test of faith I'm failing, a test of will and determination I'm failing, a test of strength I just DON'T have anymore. A survivor, yes. And maybe nothing more.

Why does he stay? His own test? This time he clarified he wasn't upset at me...just upset...but it was all directed at me. At my demons. I've got some things to sort through. I was unprepared. There's a lot more coming. I cannot be unprepared again. So much coming...

I don't want to attend Imbolc in a wheelchair...I don't want to watch the Superbowl unable to get off the couch...I feel like I've gained a million pounds, and I really want to be able to spar and fence without every touch feeling like something's broken. I want Me back. Today was not Me. Today was the antithesis of Me. And she was Ugly.

I never want to be this Ugly again. Never.

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My cat is in heat. Her object of affection has been a cardboard box in the living room. I fear this can only end in heartache, ad that box has no respect for her. It's only going to break her poor little kitty heart. She seems to have acquired Ryan's sense of tone and pitch with her constant serenading of said box. It's a classic tale of cat-box unrequited love.
The dog, on the other hand, has NO idea what to do. He keeps freaking out and trying to play with her. She's just not having any of it. Poor, horny animals...

In other news...go here http://thequintessencestore.etsy.com. we have LOTS of new things up and lots more to come..including some special trial and Valentine's day products.

That's it for now..Zak's taking us for pho.

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Wow, I havent' updated in forever..just havent had the energy. Last week Cat was in town sans baby, so we went to dinner and bummed around like old times. It was good. Wednesday Ryan came home, and the three of us went to play bar bingo at Bob and Barbara's. It was there that I was reminded why I don't h ave a lot of female friends...especially female friends who like to get drunk and screechy. Aside from the resulting migraine and homicidal thoughts, we had a good night...and Cat won a prize! Thursday night she cooked dinner for us, and Friday morning I sadly sent her home. I hate when she leaves us...not just because she does my laundry ;). Cat's been like a sister to me through everything...I miss having her around.
Friday night Ryan dyed my hair. It's not as bright as I had it last time I went red..but Ryan likes it. It's more of a deep auburn.
Yesterday we went out to his mom's for a haircut and went out to Pottstown to see JD! It was REALLY good to see him. I almost cried like a baby...but it was very cold out. It was hard to leave, but we'll see him again soon I hope. I miss the three of us as a solid unit. There's a lot more emotion than I have energy or words to portray...but just know how much I feel the void and wish he'd come back soon.
From there we hit the mall for a few things then headed home to dye some rope purple. I'm extremely happy with our results! We got an interesting multi-faceted purple, as nylon rope isn't a solid fabric...but I love it!

Last night we headed out to my company's holiday party. Unfortunately things got goins JUST as we had to leave, but it was good to see the people we did get to see o utside a work setting. The food was pretty good, but it was the fantastic margarita I had right before we left that made the night worth it! Hah. Like I said, though...we had other commitments we'd already paid for...so we had to leave pretty early, but I heard it was't a bad shindig. We headed out of there and took the trek to The Pleasure Garden Club, who was having a half off membership special. we had an absolutely FANTASTIC time, and the purple rope gauntlets were a hit. I have to say...I looked pretty damned good! Unfortunately there are no cameras and I was too messed up to think to take a picture before I took them off...but I'll have him retie them so you can all see! I do have to lament, unfortunately, that my favourite corset is losing it's center support. The boning started to pop our through the top seam. I HAVE had it for 5 years, but still! I'll have to see if I can fix it.

Poor Ryan had to work today, and I'm having a bit of a day. I'm not sure how I made it through last night..maybe heels are the secret to keeping my legs working? I stumbled a bit here and there, and I was in a lot of pain...but I'm working on pushing through it...at least for a few hours at a time. I have work tomorrow, and hopefully it goes well as I'm working a double Wednesday and a shift and a half on Thursday. I agreed to do these before my bad bays started getting really really bad. The past week or so my bad days have left me in bed until 6pm or so unable to move. I haven't had a "good" day in at least a week and a half...*sigh*. It's getting worse...having a name for it won't change that. We need to act on this....ASAP.

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