i havent had that dream in months....its evolved over the months...nate asked me once to let him untie me, but i dont think he really meant it...the core remains....im here...shes there...over time i was tied to a tree...birds, lots of birds...swooping and pecking.....and whispering...they whisper but i cant understand...if i could only understand the words...i tried to shoo them away and help her, but in time the dream evolved...and now im tied to a tree...shes always the same...and as in most dreams, i know shes dead but alive in my dream (there's a different recurring dream where i dont realize that until halfway through) ...shes there watching...i scream for her to go, run, save herself, but she wont...she doesnt speak...just watches with his terribly pained look on her face..like she cant help me...the look any mother watching her daughter be devoured would have...i tried to untie myself one and they loomed over her as if to threaten..."you get away, shes next"....so i stayed....i tried to listen....sometimes her look says "please, just listen to them! understand!"...its hard to listen to things that are striking and pecking...the dream evolves, but i still cant listen...

i always wake up screaming or crying....

it's not even ALMOST wednesday yet....

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i woke up yesterday with one of the worst migraines i've had in a long time...had me out cold most of the day, and it's threatening to put me down again today. the only reason i'm not asleep now is because i gave in and needed to do laundry, which means walking the block or so a few times..man i'm out of shape after not being able to do much for a few weeks...ugh, i feel disgusting...i know i've gained a bout 10lbs, but i feel like i've gained a thousand...DISgusting...

so i thought i had more to write, and i do except that i have no energy or thought at the moment...stay tuned...

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So, we finally have hot water...the only problem now is now that we have 2 pipes functioning as they should the water pressure is ridiculous. Yes, ladies and gentleman, our shower is now a fire hose. It takes some feat of waterworks to have me huddled in the corner like its bitch before I even get to conditioner. That's cleaning by excoriation...not only did I lose a cup size or two, but I'm pretty sure the shower actually CREATED new pores...then cleaned them.

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Last night ended up being not too bad. We got to Pat Shamrock's a little late, but we managed to catch most of the first band after unloading all the gear from Brian's car. From there the drinking began, and I daresay I tested my limits for not having been out drinking in a while. It didn't help that the bartender was gorgeous, inked, and gave me a few free ones. The guys originally had been told they were going third, but when they went to set up the band hosting the show had already taken over. Apparently they'd decided that they were tired or people were leaving or something, so they decided to go third instead...leaving the guys stuck with a close to empty room almost their entire set. I felt really bad for them. We got some good video (I hope) and pictures, and it was definitely a good show for them to diagnose things to tighten up for future shows, but they did sound pretty good to me. There just wasn't anyone there.

After the show the three of us sat in the parking lot for a little while discussing our current living situation amongst other things. It's been a while since we've been able to just sit around and talk. I think last night was a good step towards having that good friendship again. On the way home we stopped at 7-11 for some water and food, and as soon as I was done eating I was out cold.

Last night I had a couple extremely disturbing dreams...not scary, just off-putting...maybe portentious...I dunno...I woke up not feeling right about it...

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so i'm in an odd state of mind today....
depressed? a bit, and it keeps getting worse...resorting to unhealthy habits, putting myself where i don't want to be, letting myself just...exist...until i figure out what to do...

hopeful...less and less, but working on it..i'm working on shaking myself out of this...most of the time i realize i'm just shaking..but sometimes i manage to dislodge myself from the cave and wander into a social setting...

...tonight is chris and chad's jager party show...i won't run away this time...i'm better than that...

...going to a baseball game friday with a friend and a bunch of his people...should be fun...you see, i havent seen this friend in 2 years, and the one and only time i did we were on a plane from houston to orlando, and he had no choice but to be ceaselessly annoyed by me...good times. hah.

...i saw geoff's text books last week and decided that someday i will, in fact, go back to school....even if its just for a couple classes here and there...i need to keep learning, i crave it, and just because i either plan to be with this job for a long time or because i may not have the time or money right now for a full degree...doesn't mean i cant learn because i enjoy it.

so i don't really know what i feel right now...one moment i want to scream or cry...the next i'm looking forward to something, but i don't really know what...maybe it's a sign that good things are coming...just maybe...

in other news...i had my ass handed to me at apples to apples by an extremely worldly 7yr old...humbling, but she absolutely made my night.

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I guess I'm probably not expected to have any feelings on the matter of the recently passed...but I do. Yes, any death of someone closely associated rekindles memories of every funeral I've been to, every close friend or family member I've lost, and everyone I'm afraid to lose...but I'm not completely detatched. Chris' family, in essence, became my family, and they'll always hold a special place in my heart. You can't deny that two and a half years can bring people together, and not having a close family of my own here in PA they were mine. I feel helpless to do more. Hell, I'm not even sure they'd accept my help anyway, but I'll do what I can. I'd say it made me realize who's really important to me...but I never forgot...I'm not turning this into a personal issue, I just miss the closeness...

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