i got just what i asked for, but i never expected to be so aware of it. its an odd feeling to know ones prayers have been answered in such an introspective way. not a bad feeling. not a consciously good feeling. maybe a relieved feeling. know i know. clarity is key. i generally dont ask for things that abstract, but there it is. im still not sure how to feel...my calm during the storm.

today was a storm in the storm...but it wasnt all bad at all. half an hour before my shift end i rebooked a guy on a flight ans decided i was going to make sure his bag got on the new one. so....i ran myself into the rain to find it, was sent to several different places, found a couple guys to help me, and eventually set things in motion to make sure it got there. by the time i was done i looked like a drowned rat. i was sore all the way home from the several puddles i found myself swimming in. ugh, i hate wet socks more than i hate socks in general.

last nights game was really good. it wasnt exactly the same, but i guess ive got to get used to that. the problem is i dont know where my boundaries are. hug? head on his shoulder? playful friendly contact? i dont know...i feel like im not allowed anymore. bah!

so there it is..the good, the wet, and the awkward.
maybe ill have energy for more later...i doubt it though

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Work kicked my ass yesterday. I got signed off Tuesday, and this was weather's way of welcoming me back to the pool. "Bend over, Jenn, it's time to prove yourself!" And I think I did rather well considering all the factors (which I won't get into) I almost got gyped out of my shift because I actually followed directions and the Miscommunication fairy decided to sprinkle some "let's not turn in Jenn's bid" dust into my life. A certain co-worker isn't too happy with me because I was actually pro-active in fixing the problem, which would have been a rather expensive mistake to let go.

So, starting my shift today gave me today off, which was great. I was pretty productive this morning. I tried to go see a couple apartments, but neither of the agents was available. It's getting harder and harder to find affordable 3bdrm apartments. There are plenty on 1 and 2's in our price range, but as soon as you add that 3rd bdrm the apartment becomes a house or a condo, and that makes it expensive, so it's been a challenge. I scrounged for a while trying to find somewhere to sleep tonight (huzzah for a 7am start tomorrow), and it looks like I'll be occupying a coworkers empty place for a couple nights before she moves in this weekend. Thank gods for small, money saving favours. I think I'm gonna wander around South Street tonight. I haven't been in the city at night for a while. I can't wait to live closer to it again, and Manayunk has it's own nightlife to enjoy.

I think I've also come to the conclusion that I want my "focus" tattoo soon. I've decided I need someone to go with me though, so I think I'll either talk Kiyoko or Scot into either coming to Philly or I'll visit one of them. Maybe next time I'm in Chicago I can convince Scot to take me...and Cat can go too...hah, I'm a wuss, but only the first time. I decided on that one first because 1. it's the simplest, and 2. it's the one I've had in my head the longest, and therefore will not change.

Saturday Chris and I are going to the Phillies game. I got tickets from work (well from a co-worker), and as long as I don't end up staying all day I should be fine to make it. This will be our first game this season, and they're pretty good seats. Too bad the Phillies don't have a better record right now, hah.

Tuesday I'm going over to Trevor's again. I have some lyrics for him, so hopefully we'll get somewhere with this music thing.

I'm headed out to the city soon...I just got speechlessly introspective...maybe not being on a computer for 2 days will be a good thing....

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April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and while my story is not one of just sexual assault, I thought it apropos. I actually wrote this a while ago, but thought I'd share.

"Oh, grow up," he said to me years ago, and for a moment I wanted to blow the pot smoke back into his face and walk away. He, the thirtysomething spending all his money on pot whilst choosing to live wherever he could sleep instead of getting a job and a real place to live, was telling me to grow up. It seemed preposterous. Putting it all in perspective, he didn't know me any more than I knew him. All he saw in me was a rich girl on vacation from California slummin' it for a cute boy in a parking lot. In reality I really enjoyed all their company. In reality that cute boy was my first kiss, and I'd have let him fuck me if I hadn't been afraid my "chaperone" would catch us and turn him in because I was only seventeen. In reality I was already a survivor. I's already pulled myself through the fires of death, illness, mental breakdowns, suicide attempts, eating disorders, addiction, and molestation.
My survival story started young. At five years old I took full ownership of my parents' faltering marriage and stared into the night's oncoming headlights considering walking straight into them like an insect on the highway. From there I learned to suppress things children aren't supposed to know, hear, or feel. I pushed from my memory the "tickle game" played by my mom's one boyfriend and the "intimidation" and "which drug dealer is calling to threaten all our lives now" games played with subsequent men in her life. My mom's sickness and death, as well as my own inner struggles, gave me constant occasion to revisit the thoughts I'd had of "joining the night" years before. I tried several times, lost myself several more, and eventually tried running away from it all. That's where I met Russ, Jason, and John. Half grown but still scared. A survivor still fighting for her life against her life.
Like most things in this world, you can never leave the past behind, but you can use it to strengthen yourself for future blows. In Philadelphia I've found myself up against hurdles I never imagined I could clear, but none I let defeat me completely. I've kept my soul in the wakes of death, loss, intrusion, emotional and physical abuse, sexual assault, sickness, grief, and a storm that still rages inside me at times. There were times I just wanted to stop fighting it and let life take its course and swallow me, and there were times I gave up and it almost did.
This is my story every day; one that reminds me I've walked through fire, flood, and ice. I'm a survivor, sometimes despite my best efforts to the contrary, and the world will not defeat me.

Not today.

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so after our talk the other day i feel a lot better about things...
today i woke up in a fairly good mood compared to the last week...my hormones have rebalanced (thank gods) and ive been able to dive inside myself. its a bit refreshing. i wasnt kidding when i said id make myself better. i intend to do it. im not ashamed to admit ive got flaws that affect my relationships...but hopefully he can see im trying. :)

one thing i notice at times like these...everyones full of advice...chad said something very wise to me once...things will work out as they should without any outside influences...any advice im being given, while not unappreciated, is nothing i havent already pondered in my head...im sure theyve run through his also.

so work today....was good...but extremely slow....im still not signed off, and i still dont have a shift set, which is extremely annoying since i'd like to call apt guy back to look at one of the places were hoping to get when we move. on the way home i ran into someone i havent seen in years...someone i was sure had somehow killed himself by now...its good to see hes alive and well...and a bit straightened out. he used to worry me a lot.

so theres my day....my heads all over the place today, but in a good way. optimism that things happen for a reason and that i can make myself a better person.

i need to make myself a sleepier person at the moment though...so melatonin and soft sounds it is...gnight all!

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I guess after watching all the shitty men my mom dated and married screw her over I developed a shell of sorts. With that shell came a belief that if I let my guard down enough I'd be taken advantage of. I was never one of the cool kids (who was?), and through that I developed a "people are laughing at me behind my back for being an idiot" complex. Most of the time I wonder if I'm kept as a friend for much more than to laugh at for my stupidity when I'm not around. "Can you BELIEVE she actually thinks we like her?" The combination of these things is a sense of suspicion of what people REALLY think or feel about me, and yes, it's a problem in my relationships.

Now, take this information I've just given you and add come of the unfortunate events of our relationship...the emails I've received from other girls about him telling me how much more he loved them or how much happier he'd be with them. Add in the fact that I don't know most of his friends at all (apparently he hasn't hung out with any of them because he was afraid of how I'd react) and that I started to feel like he was even hiding his exchanges with them (I guess I should leave that one to the fact that he's not really keen to give information thats unsolicited most of the time). Stir in the sudden drop in attention, the switch from romantic feelings to friendly feelings, the peck kisses, the short forced "i love you"s, and the neglected feeling that arose from those things...and you come out with my suspicion that those attentions were "obviously" being directed to someone else.

I'm not in any way trying to excuse the resulting paranoia or breach in trust...but I'm not the only one who reacted badly to innocent (albeit flirtatious) comments from friends, I'm not the only one who made snarky comments (don't do what you usually do for friends with significant other issues), and I'm not the only one who went fishing.

As far as my fishing from others goes...it was never intentional. I vent, and when people allow me to vent to them, apparently it comes out as accusations or interrogations. I can only think of one occasion I actively went and asked someone for information. Anything else I've gotten from anyone has been offered, not solicited. I guess I need to work on my venting to make it sound less aggressive. Mostly it's rhetorical, and half the time it's my chance to say things out loud or put them in front of me in text to better sort, in my own thoughts, what seems plausible and what seems preposterous.

I promised him last night I was going to try and be better with that, but this has to be a dual effort. We have to both work on the suspicious aspects of our personalities. Maybe then he can figure out where the attentions went, because he at least agreed something changed. If that's NOT why, then we have to figure out whether or not things are changed for good. Then I guess we'll know it's time to move on.

*sigh*
I thought there was more...but I got sidetracked. One of those days.

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And it's been rather eventful already. There was a rather eye-opening conversation over Boston Market, but I'll get into that later...

Yesterday I experience the "seventh level of Hell" of any girl who's just found herself in relationship turmoil....or for anyone who hates dresses or dress shopping, or girls like me with odd proportions... David's Bridal. Yes, yesterday I talked Chris into taking me to Plymouth Meeting to David's Bridal, as it was the last possible day I could've found anyone to take me. I hate dragging him to those kinds of places, and now that we're in this stage of whatever we are I feel even worse, but he was my only ride option, so we went. We got there with relatively little hurrah, but there was a Guitar Center next door, so I ditched the idea of making him help me find something suitable and let him go wander (the lucky bastard!). My dress girl, Jill, was wonderfully patient with me. I have got to be the most uncouth, ridiculous person to help find a dress. Fortunately for Jill, the colour Christina picked for us to wear is one of the least available colours in the store. The same condition is quite unfortunate for me...who doesn't particularly look like I belong in ANY dress. BUT! I squashed my "just got my plans of ever getting married waylaid by a relationship semi truck" depression, tried not to look at the gorgeously happy brides all around me, and tried on as many dresses as Jill could unearth in my size. Several rounds of wrestling with lining, back zippers, and strapless bras later, I found it. I have to admit, once it's hemmed (ha ha Jenn's short....I get it), it's gonna look pretty damned good on me. Maybe not in the ungodly teal colour I tried on, but I'm told it looks fantastic in clover. So, I stood in the slowest checkout line in history and bought the most expensive dress I've ever owned. (Christina! Help! I'm poor!)

After our dress adventure, we headed to band practice. I got to meet Vinny and hear how he's influenced their sound. I like it.

Today Chris headed out to work, and I went back to bed for a couple hours. I haven't slept that long in weeks, and my body's been so exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally....I've been out of it. So I slept until I woke up and decided "it's Easter, dammit! I'm dying eggs!" At ACME, the cutest little boy in the world called me "mommy" (yay for sore spot number 2 this week). Dad didn't seem amused by any of it, so I tried not to talk to the baby, but he was so cute. I wish I could be that amused at the grocery store.

So my list for the day includes doing the dishes, hemming at least a couple pairs of my uniform pants, doing Chris' taxes, and working on the most multifaceted song I've ever tried to write lyrics to...seriously, Trev, we need to work on continuity. Hah.

So chores before Chris gets home and his mom comes over for pizza and movies. Not the usual Easter fare, but this isn't really usual circumstance anymore, is it?

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