bananaface's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

... a continous faker.
... a self distructor.
... a disaster.

Hannah is...
... hungover.
... upset.
... sorry.

Hannah wants...
... to be cool.
... to be calm.
... to be collected.

Hannah wants...
... to be happy.

Hannah...

... got drunk last night. I thought, hey, maybe if I don't get that drunk, I'll actually have fun. It didn't work out that way.

Hannah...

... ended up hugging Bryan and crying for half an hour. Or what felt like it. While Steven threw a beer bottle on the street and yelled about how shitty his life is and how he wants Katharine soooo bad and how he had to grow up too fast and blablabla.

Hannah is...

... really tired of his antics. Really upset that it's her fault he's drinking again. If I had chosen to drink last weekend, he would have chosen not to. But I decided being sober would be fun because I could hook up with some guy I'll never see again, and I let him drink.
And this weekend he wouldn't let us not let him.
This afternoon he called to make sure I was feeling alright. I think he remembers a little bit more about this weekend than last. I think he remembers how angry I got at him towards the end.

Bryan and I had been standing maybe 20 yards away from them, and we were in this neighborhood that no cops ever go to because it's outside the city limits. It was dark and quiet and peaceful, and the stars were the most spectacular thing I've seen in a while.

Then I heard voices. I know I was drunk, but I know I heard voices. There is a difference between someone yelling and dogs barking. So we got in our cars and left. Bryan with Shane; Amy, Kath, Steven and I together.

Steven wouldn't shut up. Whine whine whine, complain complain complain. And I just sat there thinking fuck, fuck, fuck. I was tired of liking him, tired of wanting him, tired of him in general. Then he decides he wants us to all see "The Spot". So he directs Amy to this place on the golf course with a bridge and water and reflections and ducks. It was cold cold cold and I was still drunk and stumbly and we decided to go back. Steven and I obviously couldn't walk as fast as Amy and Kath, because we were drunk and they were not, so we were walking beside eachother.

Me: Why do you like Katharine?
Steven: It's the thought process.
Me: -long period of silence- What's wrong with my thought process?
Steven: -another long period of silence- I'm too drunk to answer that question.

Whatever. I decided right then to stop liking him.

So we go to drop Steven off at Nathan's, and he comes and gives each of us a kiss on the cheek, then he goes to Katharine and kisses her on the mouth like 17 times. Really just like 3. But whatever.

She doesn't like you Steven. Get over it. Stop being so goddamn pushy, it's a real turn-off. She doesn't like that when she's around you she drinks and smokes and does things that she wouldn't normally do.

Whatever. I don't know why I'm so upset about it. Thinking about liking him right now really makes me sick. I'm really unhappy with him at the moment. I told him I didn't want him to drink anymore. I really wish what I thought mattered to him a little bit more. I really wish he understood that not only do I like him, I love him, and I care for him, and I want him to be safe and happy, and I want him to be sober. I like him so much better sober.

I like me a lot better sober, too.