Absinthe...the mysterious, intriguing, kicks your ass concoction. Think that should be my first shot o' liquor?

Speaking of underage drinking, my 'little sister' told me she tried marijuana. This was a couple of months ago. She went to this rock concert with a friend over the weekend, supposedly without guidance. I happened to visit her house one day and she whispered to me on her front step that she was a bit hung over. She had smuggled beer into her room and drank 'em without her parents knowing.

By the way, she's thirteen. Ah, she's a good kid. Not going to be a druggie or an alcoholic, just that she has a certian image she's into right now. She won't be doing it again. The beer? Maybe, but the drugs? Nope. Got high hopes in that girl, she's got high goals. Wants to be better than everyone and she's knows the path to get to that.

Heck, I'm not even sure of the legitimacy of that story. Or if she was even 'hung over' at all because I really don't think a few beers would've 'dropped' her.

Alrighty, that's enough of storytime for today. I am going to study, study, study (with a few breaks of course *whew*) and then off to bed at 9--latest, 10 pm. Night!

Wish me luck! ('-^)=b
-----------------------------
the Dot

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A great yet not so lengthy time ago, I was half-heartedly going through the tables of available classes for the next semester. It was mid-August and I'd finally gotten around to forcing myself to register. You can guess my level of enthusiasm then at the prospect of continuing my college education at that particular institution. As the search continued, I realized I really did not want to pay for anything listed. There was no financial aid available to me from FAFSA, family or otherwise. I paid my own damn way and honestly, I didn't think those classes were worth my money.

I wanted to shoot myself in the head. The quality of education sucked that much. "Most bang for your buck"? Not in my book. You get exactly what you pay for. I went from the Undergraduate Dean's List, with my lowest grade being an A-, down to a semester GPA under 3.0 and obviously, no spot on the Dean's List.

I did not go through with registration.

No one knew. The next few months passed uneventfully with a bit of acting on my part. Shockingly, my mother actually paid the minimal attention needed to notice and start getting suspicious.

As a rule, I don't like to lie. I'll admit it: I'm a goody-two-shoes. One of my few role models is Mother Teresa. I try to be as good, kind, understanding, and loving as possible. Sometimes that causes problems, because I AM human after all and a girl too. I'll talk more about that another time.

Instead of lying, I would omit or say little white lies that were intentionally misleading. I didn't need her all up in my business or any more of her brand of "pot calling the kettle black". I can't say I was successful, but I didn't completely fail in my deception either. See, her habit has always been to notice things and then do nothing about them. A huge red and yellow warning sign can be flashing right in her face, but she never takes enough interest or give enough of a damn to do anything. All she cares about is herself. She is selfish and stupid. So be it. Makes it all the easier to get my plan off without a hitch.

I needed a change of scenery badly and there was more than enough money in my account. You're only young once and when is the next time I'll be free enough to just up and leave the country so easily? So I planned a little voyage overseas and again, told no one about it. Researched all the necessary documents for my visa, hostels, financials... I needed at least one person in the family to know where I was going. One day, I let my aunt into my plan. She helped me figure out the best dates to leave and even bought my tickets for me. Next, I told my father. That went surprisingly well.

I began to drop hints around my mother. In accordance with her habit described above, she pretended they didn't exist. When I finally told her straight out, she told me "No" and thought that was that. Little did she know, I wasn't asking for permission. I let it go and continued with my preparations. I mentioned it again and again, as usual she took no notice.

We had dinner together the night before my scheduled departure. Midway through the meal, I took out my ticket information and showed it to my mother. She took one look and said with a very rarely, if ever, seen parent-like attitude "We'll talk about this later."

She finally realized I wasn't joking and I was going whether she liked it or not. There was nothing she could do to stop me. "If you can't beat them, join them!" You can say she did that. She even lamented at one point that night while I ran around packing my suitcase, "Why didn't you tell me earlier? I have friends who know people there! I could have set things up for you!"

Really, mother? No, you wouldn't have. That was hi-larious!

So I went off on my trip! Had a great time and fell in love with the city, country, the people. I would love to go back again and would be if...well, that's a story for another day. I can tell you it was an experience like no other and the decision to leave is not one I regret. It changed me and I am happier now.

Hope you enjoyed today's story! Thank you for all the comments on my last post. =)

Toodles~
Silver.

Plugs: Midnight Monkey, Amelie, Nuttz, ayl4life, invisible

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The more I thought about it, the more I realized that we've got a lot to do. Not as in making this happen, but making it possible at all. As in persuading them and so on. CYI is so very new and it's got the pace of a snail. They're not getting along very quickly.

Today only reassured me of it.

Anyway, here goes. Most of the partners (us, not the students--called participants) were new with only a few who were here last year, but I got to know all of them. I'll make introductions if you don't know them yet. I'm sure you (of all people) know that I have connections to the community. J.Y. knew that too and so did Jo. However, I believe J.Y. has forgotten that and you know we can't count on Jo-Jo remembering that I can help. ;D I realized that the teachers and K. don't know this and couldn't possibly think of it.

I had already been in the room before they started their meeting ( I didn't even know it was a meeting and they hadn't kicked me out). They were talking about the press release and you know that's my fort. So I stayed. S. (one of the teachers and almost main in-charge) shot me a few confused glances so I left.

Later, and before my little 'epiphany', I asked K. a few questions that she probably thought were none of my business and she answered, but with a little uncertainty, almost snobbish air. I'm surprised she didn't tell me off with a "We'll deal with it" "Don't worry", because I'm sure she wanted to. I had been asking her those kinds of questions over the course of the day.

I don't want to intrude. That's pretty much it. I could offer to help, but it may be unwanted. I know firsthand how much I hate it when someone looks down on me because of my age and I don't want them to take it that way, what with me being older. So after my little 'epiphany', I held back a little since I she couldn't possibly understand why I was 'acting that way'.

I say I think J.Y. has forgotten because a little while later, I asked her those same type of questions and she gave me that vague "yeah, you don't really need to know" sort of answer.

Not only that (whole 'not knowing my potential' situation), but age also plays a part. I know J.Y. is very smart and she's still learning, K. is also smart (though I'm not as sure, only time will tell), and Jo-Jo is the ultimate physical form of those ice-breakers he loves so well. However, when it comes down to it, J.Y. and K. are younger than me and it's their first time in such a position of 'power'. They're actually the 'superiors'/'supervisors' in relation to others their age. That gives them a sense of what their true potential could be (which leads to at least a little bit of vanity--face it, it's true. How would YOU be?) as well as uncertainty to a certain degree (leading to quick defensiveness and some doubts within about their potential). That makes it hard for them to recieve advice from others, especially those their age or whom they now believe to be 'lower' than themselves.

No, they are not bitches. They are just young ladies, on the way to adulthood. Frankly, they are children. They're learning, we ALL are. That's how we evolve. How we learned to speak, walk, dance, run, swim, die. It just depends on how one 'takes' to the fact that they are still learning, that they are not 'all-knowing' as they'd like to believe.

--------------------------------

The above excerpt was going to be a part of an email, but then I remembered my mother's words.

"Be careful of what you write. Email = no privacy. Not even computers. All electronics!"

It's part of her paranoia--which I believe is escalating--and her reason for this new one is that though you may delete a message, you do not have control over what others do. They may keep your message and pass it on or use it against you. I've known this for a long time and I think most of us have similar thoughts about it.

When I started writing this, I had just thought of the reciever as one of my oldest friends, someone I've know for about ten years, give or take. She hadn't been there and I just thought I could tell her some things I had figured out or whatever. We had a 'meeting' over lunch last week about an idea we had and we were to work on the proposal this weekend.

But as I continued to type, I realized I was just putting my thoughts to 'paper' and I hadn't really thought much into her reaction to this beyond understanding and sympathy. So I have copy & pasted it here instead.

I think this is the first glimpse ya'll have of my mind, beyond the cute teenager-y giggly insanity that is the dot. To tell the truth, I have been 'acting' for most of my life and frankly, I'm getting tired of it. I can't wait until I am all out into the open and everyone has to take me as I am or not at all. Of course, I know it will actually never stop, I will have to act for the rest of my life. In front of in-laws, strangers, and what-not. ;) I think all living beings do, to a certain degree.

Ok, that's enough. My old ailment has returned, that aching betweent he shoulder-blades. Too much typing? Maybe. XD Oh, and the last paragraph or so I typed up there, I already knew I wasn't going to send the email. And of course, it's edited. =P

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I remember when I first saw the favorite movies thread in the forum. I said, "Across the Universe!"

I think I've told ya'll I love musicals right? Well, I was in the bookstore today and you know how they play songs all trhoughout the day. Suddenly, the soundtrack for 'Across the Universe' comes on and duh, it was one of my teen moments. Like gushy in-my-own-head 'Oh, my gosh'-ness.



You'll find the lyrics for the video in my reading room. Or you should anyway because I'm going to post it up the second I finish this entry. I expect I'll be listening to this all night long or however long my mother lets me replay the thing anyway. ;)

Here's de link for the soundtrack playlist preview: [Click ME!]

Enjoy~!

-------------------

Note: At the end of the video is a whole list of other videos. You can go check 'em out. ;) Click the little right triangular thing on the side, the grey one and some more come out. I almost missed that. =P

Night!

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Do you believe?

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...is probably going to be my only one. Before I ever thought of this, I always thought, "No, I'm not going to have any. Really!" Ever thing has a reason, I don't do anything without a reason. And yes, "because I want to/feel like it!" is a reason. ;)

Anyway, one and only reason (until I get tossed in jail or whatever...) is *dundundun*

Not skipping grades through high school. Really how long can you go being bored out of your mind, day after day, after being bored out of your mind just WAITING for life to begin ever since you were born? Yes, it is a really long question. Let that bounce around in your head a few times, I reassure you, it makes sense. Alright, if not to you, then to me.

I really wish I had. If only I had known how this was going to kill me. I always knew I had patience. Heck, I've waited 17 years for my life to start. I'm considerate and I understand that everyone is different--I live in NEW YORK CITY, a.k.a. melting pot. And I'm not vain, sure, everyone knows there are things one is good at, but I'm not going to go so far and say I'm QUEEN. I have a certain level of maturity because of the way and enviornment in which I was raised, but I'm not better than everyone else. I don't deserve to live any more than anyone else, etc.

(Yes, I am going somewhere with this)

*deep breath* I am going to violate the good student law by saying this...
I can't stand stupid people. Ok, that's not exactly true. It's just that I'm tired of having to sit through class going over and over the same stuff because some idiot doesn't get it (or says he doesn't, which is another story). Not to mention the idiots and jackasses we have for educational purposes and guidance.

I've been disappointed over and over all my life. It's like those poor girls say about they're horrible boyfriends, "I always thought it wouldn't happen again. Next time will be better." But it never is. Like I said, I've been waiting 17 years for my life to start. I was waiting for my eighteenth birthday. I guess, I never enjoyed 'childhood' because of it. *shrug* And high school is a big-fat disappointment.

Haha, you know how it is. It's hardest when the end is close. I only have eight monhs left and I'm just dying.

Have I mentioned I hate monotony? Yeah...I thought of this regret for a while now. I wondered about going straight to college sophomore year. I've heard of little geniuses who did. What could I have done to do that? I wish I had the nerve to bring it up back then. And now it's too late. I HAVE to wait. TT.TT

=)

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A regular trip on the subway. No more seats so I settled for sleeping standing. The moment I close my eyes, a gruff raspy voice barks out loud. I look from the edge of my eye. Oh, it's just a bum. The recognizable array of stained clothes, variation of bags, and an easy confident air showing his experience in public speaking on public transportation.

"Hey y'all!" No one answered, as usual. "Look at alla you. In MAH house." Silence. "I don't got good sense? Hah, my rent's two dollahs!" I tuck my chin inside my jacket and my mouth quirked. Two dollars was the price per trip on the subway. True that.

"Look at them all." He pointed at the window where we were pulling into the 14th St. station. "Once those doors open, they're gonna come rushin' in, like they owned the place." Tight white lips scattered around. No one was going to SMILE. "I've lived here for nine years. Yeah, me an' mah wife, but I left her. If you were with me, you woulda left her, too!" Beginnings of smiles all around. Still not showing them though.

"362 pounds." He declared. "She wears size 64 pants. Ain't nobody make size 64 pants!" He turned around to address those behind him. "One day, she said she had somethin' to show me." Uh oh... "She pulled off her pants and six stomachs rolled out! I said, Which stomach is it in, two or three?"

He continued to entertain us for a few more stops and ended with "Thank you all for listening. Have a nice vacation. Have a good day. Thank you for listening."

Chuckles all around. He left satisfied.

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To set one's heart on a challenge and despite the pain one will continue to go through, go on to (try) prove 'em wrong.

To distance oneself from the cause of the pain, if they are set in their judgements, let it go.

Which shall I choose? What would you pick?

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