So my grandmother is in the hospital. My dad's mother.

She was never all that healthy. She stayed indoors mostly, watching Chinese dramas day in and day out. Her memory slowly started to go. Her hearing got worse. She was still very happy and...a normal grandmother.

Now she's unconscious in a hospital bed with a tube down her throat and needles everywhere hooked up to various machines. My aunt told me today that most likely...she won't wake up.

I'll never hear her voice again. Never see her smile again. Never hear her laugh or call me "little daughter".

But one thing I don't need to feel guilty about: Even though I was not very close to her, I did make an effort to visit her on my own. Unfortunately, I only started to do that recently in the last year or half year or so. The total visits can probably be counted on one hand, maybe two. But I made an effort. And I came to see her. I think I visited her last month. I'm happy about that. My last memory wasn't a bad one. I try not to end visits or even day-to-day meet-n-greets poorly, because you never know if it is the last. I was always subconsciously afraid that I'd leave my loved ones, or vice versa, on a bad note and have guilt like we see on TV. I'm glad I don't have that.

So the diagnosis as of today--and by the way, the real doctors aren't even here bc it's a holiday so it's mostly been interns. >.> Can you believe that? They'll be back tomorrow for a full reexamination, but my aunts had me come in (I stayed the whole day) just in case she couldn't wait that long--is that she had a mini-stroke and then a heart attack. Her kidney(s) is(are) failing bc of an infection. Yesterday she was breathing by 75% ventilator, 25% her own power. Today it's 100% ventilator. So my aunt says--and I agree--it's better that she doesn't wake up bc she'd be disoriented and fighting the tube/machine that was breathing for her. No one wants to spend the rest of their days with a tube down their throat, unable to speak, and stuck in a stupid hospital room with needles and machines everywhere. Definitely not my grandmother. She pulled everything out several times when she first came in. Got the nurse so angry. *laughs* But that was before her stroke/heart-attack.

Yeah, she came in for something else and luckily, was still in the hospital when it happened. Same day she was supposed to leave. If she had gone home that day...my other aunt says she probably really would be gone now.

The only question now is...when.

Any suggestions for good songs to listen to? No preachy stuff about how good life is, please. Just good songs that you like and maybe might fit. I don't know. At this point I'm up for anything. Good music in general. Preferably not about death. Sorry, randomjunk. XD LMAO. I don't need to run now, do I? *runs*

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I'm fighting, fighting so hard.

Why, why do I have to choose?
China, Asia
America
I do not belong to neither
But I am not myself without them either.

American born
I say
No way
They say.

Asian blood
I feel
100% not
They say.

Kristeva was right.
Abject
Neither subject nor object
On the border
With no choice before me
Only the hopelessness
Of reality.

I know
Time is a healer
One that builds a mountain
Of experience
Which narrows the border line.

But when will that line disappear?
Will it?
How long until then?

I do not fit here.
I do not fit there.
I do not fit anywhere.

I can rhyme no longer.
Seuss help me.

*yawn*

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My grandmother passed away seven days after my last entry.

Things haven't changed much. =)
But I had a few family days with my dad's side of the family!
(I don't do that very often)
And I learned some things about my family/grandmother.

Incredibly, my mom made negative fuss about it.
(Meeting dad's side of the fam)
(Not that I'm much surprised that she did)
Even when my grandma was dying,
my mom told me not to go so often,
that it was the thought that counted,
that I needn't go because my grandmother couldn't see me.
Then afterwards, we had a visit up to her grave
a few days after the burial
and my ma still made a little fuss,
saying I didn't have to go
that it didn't matter
because I was a female grandchild.

Eh.

Anyway, good news!

I'M GOING ON A PLANE TOMORROW
FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN LIKE, SIX YEARS =D
I'M GOING TO HONG KONG
WHICH WAS MY LAST PLANE RIDE, TOO

HURRAH
HUZZAH
FOR VACATION!!!

Yes, my internship is over.
It ended yesterday. =(

Comment!!! Let me know ya'll are aliiiiive!

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It's 15 hours non-stop
and the last 8 is kinda like squealing wheels against a brick wall.
Why?
Because you have to decide
whether to get a headstart on fixing jetlag
or throw caution to the wind
and watch all the movies/TV shows/comedies/dramas you want.

*interruption*
effin byotch
she's effin crazy.
*end of interruption*

The more important question:

What do you all know about
the hostage incident in Manila, Philippines
involving 21 tourists from Hong Kong?

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And that's it.

Well, that and I miss HK. =(

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Update on Posterous: Remember how I made two. Well the second one ended up linked to my first so I just changed it from public to private. The password is my NuTang name. It's just a new story I'm writing. Note me for the link. =)

Secondly, my mom got me a netbook because I really wanted one. There was a silent auction and she bid too much. I bet we could have gotten a deal at Black Friday. Anyway, I was doing an assignment when I dropped my book on it and...two keys broke. Well more like one of the tiny little hooks attaching the key lette to th plastic thingy underneath broke. So I need to find replacements for the plastic thingy connecting the key letter to the rubber thing. They can still be halfway attached which is why I can still type right now, but the keys come off easily. I JUST started using it last week. Siiiiiigh. It broke TODAY.

I still want a boyfriend.

My phone got updated to Android 2.2 Froyo OS. Yay. Still just as slow, possibly faster than before. Not so yay. The home screen is stuck with the stock bowser app on the front when I never use that one but the xScope browser for Android. I can't change it, boo hoo. It's still mega slow which no longer annoys me as much = testament to my forcing myself calm and it's actually working. I don't think I'll be throwing it against the wall anytime soon.

I want a new phone.

For those of you interested in Asian stuff, I watched ISWAK. Yes, I know it's an old series. But I finally watched it. I like it. I still don't think Ariel Lin is particularly beautiful but that does fit Xiang Qing. Watching TKA now. =P

Other Asian News AND not so Asian news: I MEAN IT, EVERYONE CHECK THIS OUT: M.I.C. is a male band that just debuted in China. They are awesome. Great singing and dancing talent. None of the wannabe stuff. They are real. Company auditioned close to 30,000 ppl, narrowed it down to 2,000, then again to 20 ppl for secret training, then finally to the five we have now. Okay, their original songs (digital versions) aren't that great but only due to the producers, etc. no fault of their own. They are awesome LIVE. They are great doing beatboxing/scatting, of course regular old singing IN ENGLISH, dancing (Jian Ci is jaw-dropping amazing & sexy doing Jazz Funk), etc. Their choreographer is Jesse from USA who has worked with Beyonce, Britney Spears, Pink, Madonna, etc. Must check out their performances for Apologize, Sweet Dreams, American Pie, I can't remember the others. If you can stand sitting through a TV show in Chinese, watch M.I.C. on Happy Camp (the show) by going to MyChnTube channel on Youtube. Watch M.I.C. vids on MadeforMIC channel on Youtube!

Oh, I just realized today: when you get enough sleep, it's easier to concentrate and do stuff. Time doesn't pass so fast. Or rather, I'm just not so slow-mo anymore. My brain worked better with eight hours of sleep during the correct time frame (night). Better than it has in a while. XD

Hey, I haven't been a normal human being in a long while. Ain't my fault I never learned this. You can't just be told, you must learn and understand. Words mean nothing.

If y'all see any "ererfere"s or misspelling during this entry, my keys fell out and I was trying to put it back in its place. =P

Yo, invisible, why'd you make the entries scroll? I'm not in the mood to go back and poem it all up. Wait, huh? Suddenly, I don't have to scroll anymore. Does that mean I've been poeming for no reason?

Tired. Maybe I'll just take a nap and get back to work.

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But that's not what this entry is about.
=D
I just happened to come across
this phrase once or twice before.

Anyone heard of Posterous?
(I imagine there will be both y's & n's)
It's another blogging site with the focus on
extreme simplicity in posting
(by email).
I don't know if I should start using one.

Technically I have a WordPress acct,
but I haven't used it beyond...three entries?
NuTang is my longest continually used blog.
I have Blogger due to my Google Account.
But it's hard to post from the get-go
(same with the 'Tang)
which leads to less posts.
Plus, I think of my Blogger as
less personal, more of a public image
that I allow everyone to see.
(It IS a public blog afterall.)

What else do I have?
I think that's pretty much it.
(Do I even remember the user/pw for WordPress?)

So, yeah.
I've been hoping for something easy to use
that I can post to from my phone.
I don't use email as much
(even though I have a smartphone =P)
but Posterous's use of it sounds interesting.
Blogger has a post-by-email option, but...
I don't know
it's just not as appealing?
Also, I don't really like the fact
that anyone can just come across it
by using Blogger's "Random Blog" button
that will just send the person to any random blog
once they click it.
I feel like it's an invasion of privacy.

I don't even want to think
about using Tumblr
because I seen several people use it
and share their posts using Facebook.
I'm just against using anything
that is "popular"
especially among the more...
less-likely-to-use-their-brain crowd.

Or maybe I'm just itching to try something new.
=P

Every time I look at Blogger
I just feel tired.
Like there are just too many options
and I don't want to deal with all that.
Plus, the dashboard and its orange-blue-ness
is just not appealing.

And I can't move to NuTang
because it would be too easy
for them to find out that this is me too.

Siiiiiiiigh.

Oh, and I went to my grand-aunt's wake yesterday.
It made me feel better
that I had a good enough memory
to remember her face correctly.

I will always remember her that way
smiling at me and calling me a good kid.

Tell me if I should try out Posterous. =)

Check it out at Posterous.com

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To read both:
The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus
The Crimes of Sheila McGough
by next week

Today is Saturday
(already???)
Thus, I have tonight
tomorrow
and the day after.
Grrrreat!

Ah, well
only Dr. Faustus
it is.

hungry...but it's 10:30pm. maybe some toast...

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