The more I thought about it, the more I realized that we've got a lot to do. Not as in making this happen, but making it possible at all. As in persuading them and so on. CYI is so very new and it's got the pace of a snail. They're not getting along very quickly.

Today only reassured me of it.

Anyway, here goes. Most of the partners (us, not the students--called participants) were new with only a few who were here last year, but I got to know all of them. I'll make introductions if you don't know them yet. I'm sure you (of all people) know that I have connections to the community. J.Y. knew that too and so did Jo. However, I believe J.Y. has forgotten that and you know we can't count on Jo-Jo remembering that I can help. ;D I realized that the teachers and K. don't know this and couldn't possibly think of it.

I had already been in the room before they started their meeting ( I didn't even know it was a meeting and they hadn't kicked me out). They were talking about the press release and you know that's my fort. So I stayed. S. (one of the teachers and almost main in-charge) shot me a few confused glances so I left.

Later, and before my little 'epiphany', I asked K. a few questions that she probably thought were none of my business and she answered, but with a little uncertainty, almost snobbish air. I'm surprised she didn't tell me off with a "We'll deal with it" "Don't worry", because I'm sure she wanted to. I had been asking her those kinds of questions over the course of the day.

I don't want to intrude. That's pretty much it. I could offer to help, but it may be unwanted. I know firsthand how much I hate it when someone looks down on me because of my age and I don't want them to take it that way, what with me being older. So after my little 'epiphany', I held back a little since I she couldn't possibly understand why I was 'acting that way'.

I say I think J.Y. has forgotten because a little while later, I asked her those same type of questions and she gave me that vague "yeah, you don't really need to know" sort of answer.

Not only that (whole 'not knowing my potential' situation), but age also plays a part. I know J.Y. is very smart and she's still learning, K. is also smart (though I'm not as sure, only time will tell), and Jo-Jo is the ultimate physical form of those ice-breakers he loves so well. However, when it comes down to it, J.Y. and K. are younger than me and it's their first time in such a position of 'power'. They're actually the 'superiors'/'supervisors' in relation to others their age. That gives them a sense of what their true potential could be (which leads to at least a little bit of vanity--face it, it's true. How would YOU be?) as well as uncertainty to a certain degree (leading to quick defensiveness and some doubts within about their potential). That makes it hard for them to recieve advice from others, especially those their age or whom they now believe to be 'lower' than themselves.

No, they are not bitches. They are just young ladies, on the way to adulthood. Frankly, they are children. They're learning, we ALL are. That's how we evolve. How we learned to speak, walk, dance, run, swim, die. It just depends on how one 'takes' to the fact that they are still learning, that they are not 'all-knowing' as they'd like to believe.

--------------------------------

The above excerpt was going to be a part of an email, but then I remembered my mother's words.

"Be careful of what you write. Email = no privacy. Not even computers. All electronics!"

It's part of her paranoia--which I believe is escalating--and her reason for this new one is that though you may delete a message, you do not have control over what others do. They may keep your message and pass it on or use it against you. I've known this for a long time and I think most of us have similar thoughts about it.

When I started writing this, I had just thought of the reciever as one of my oldest friends, someone I've know for about ten years, give or take. She hadn't been there and I just thought I could tell her some things I had figured out or whatever. We had a 'meeting' over lunch last week about an idea we had and we were to work on the proposal this weekend.

But as I continued to type, I realized I was just putting my thoughts to 'paper' and I hadn't really thought much into her reaction to this beyond understanding and sympathy. So I have copy & pasted it here instead.

I think this is the first glimpse ya'll have of my mind, beyond the cute teenager-y giggly insanity that is the dot. To tell the truth, I have been 'acting' for most of my life and frankly, I'm getting tired of it. I can't wait until I am all out into the open and everyone has to take me as I am or not at all. Of course, I know it will actually never stop, I will have to act for the rest of my life. In front of in-laws, strangers, and what-not. ;) I think all living beings do, to a certain degree.

Ok, that's enough. My old ailment has returned, that aching betweent he shoulder-blades. Too much typing? Maybe. XD Oh, and the last paragraph or so I typed up there, I already knew I wasn't going to send the email. And of course, it's edited. =P

Not just electronics--everything. Writing lends itself to permanence, and that permanence may end up biting you in the ass someday and there's nothing you can do to deny it because the evidence is right there on paper, e-mail, etc.
» ranor on 2007-11-04 10:52:51

Oh, wow, that was a LONG entry. :S

I have no idea what to say as far as this 'other' side of you. It's all up to you how you want to portray yourself, we're just along for the ride. :P
» randomjunk on 2007-11-05 05:31:16

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