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Choking
Tuesday. 6.1.04 4:52 pm
I feel like I'm choking. I don't know who I am anymore. Will someone help?

I'm glad this morning I was kept busy with running movies and shit. I really didn't have time to think about my dream last night. And it kind of faded. But I still remember it unfortunately. The feeling is gone. The feeling of fear and being trapped has been repressed. It's really amusing how I was soo fucking shaken up this morning but the moment I stepped through that Blockbuster door I blocked it all off. I seem to do that a lot. I know what my dream means. I know what each person symbolizes. So I'm not going to explain. I don't feel like it. I don't want the feelings to come back. In other words, yes, I'm running, but I really don't give a shit right now.

I look to my dad for advice. I look to my mom for comfort. It took a dream to make me realize that. I look to Mistress for security. And I look to Priscilla for love and friendship. I look for hope in others. It may not seem like it but family is the most important thing to me. I'm trying to better my relationship with my parents. I talk to them more and I go out with them more, not to mention I actually enjoy it.

Fuck. I'm about to cry. I love them so much. I know what I'm about to say isn't true but sometimes I feel that they don't love me back. Or maybe it's because I feel like I can never please them and I'm always a disappointment.

I can't wait until my therapist comes back from vacation.

It's starting to make me uncomfortable being so dependent on Mistress. If I go a day without talking to her, I get really fucking depressed. Which is probably one of the reasons why I'm so down right now. I feel like the reason she doesn't call is because I have done something wrong and I managed to disappoint her in someway, so she's punishiing me. You know how long it has been since I have felt like this? Two fucking years.

I don't see a life after high school.
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