I'm dead to the world. That part of me that was happy seemed to have died once again. I've been dreaming. I started dreaming about May. I think I know what she symbolizes now. Destruction. I'm so completely fucked up right now. I haven't felt the touch of happiness in what seemed like years. My anger is growing, my self hatred is consuming me, my depression overwhelms me. There's only silence left in my place. I hardly ever talk now, and what I say, means nothing. I say the things I say out of habit. I laugh because it's the right time to laugh. I talk because that's how I'm suppose to respond. But I'm so dead inside. I can't feel anything anymore. I don't feel like doing anything. My migraines are coming back. My smiles are forced. And each day it becomes more difficult to pretend that I'm happy. The world is a blur. I'm losing my passion for everything. It's gotten to the point where I want to scream, but I can't anymore. It's not because no one can hear me, it's because I can't. I've lost my voice. I've lost my ability to cry out for help. There's just nothing. I can't even cry anymore. Things were said. Even if he did apologize, it doesn't take back the fucking shit he said. I can't find it in my heart to forgive. You can never take back the things you've said or done. There's just a line that you don't cross. Well, I crossed it. Went way passed it. Never going to find my way back I don't think. I know why I dreamt about May. I know exactly why. The feeling is so fresh in my mind.

I can't see the good in the world anymore. Everything seems to have fallen into darkness. Why hope? I'm tired of hoping for something good in this world. That there is such thing as "good." I'm tired of believing in my idealistic thoughts. It only pulls me down.

I'm what the world has made me. A walking dead shell.

I've given up on the fact that I can help people, because I can't. What difference have I really made in people's lives other then Priscilla's? And plus, she'll do fine without me. I'm pass the stage where I want love, friendship, kindness, whatever. Really, I don't want much of anything, except to just fucking die. My emotions have gone far beyond the point where I can just cut and release them. Or punch a wall or something. They've exploded inside of me.

If you ever read this Bettie. I'm sorry for being so distant with you today. I just...I can't do it anymore...I don't know how you handle things..but I just can't. I can't. Not anymore. And I'm sorry if I seem distant when you come back. And remain distant.

I've become the very thing that I hate.

There's no light in the darkness this time. It's just pitch black.

I need something to believe in. But there isn't anything to believe in except for lies.

I'm going to sleep. Hopefully I'll never wake up again.

Seriously, when i read the first couple of sentences in here i thought this, "Zoloft again? " i really do think that Zoloft made a huge difference in the way that you percieved the world and now, its really gone and your perception of life has chagned to the worse and given in to the depression. thats not good. i really think that the zoloft helps man. maybe you should be back on it, and yeah it sucks to depend on a chemical to make you "right" but if thats what it takes man, do it. it's not your fault that you have a chemical inbalance, so take it man. this here, scares me... dont be a "walking dead shell" be alive dude, by any means possible. Please dude, i'll call you tommorow.
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