I don't even know what to write here. I don't even know how to sort out my emotions. They are all muddled together and they don't make sense. I'm scared to cry. I'm scared that if I start crying I won't be able to stop. I sit in my room each night after work staring at my wall and letting it all rush to my head until I lose touch of reality. Work occupies my mind and is the only source of bringing me back. But now, it feels as if I'm living two separate lives. When I'm not at work I feel like I'm living in a fucking dream. When people are around, I put on a big smile, joke, and laugh and pretend that the break up wasn't a big deal. The way I treated Bettie on Thursday was not disrespect to me. I have always been that straight forward and assholeish with people I consider are close to me. And it really fucking pisses me off that she said that she only saw my submissive side cause she was my girlfriend. The reason why she saw my submissive side was not because she was my girlfriend. It was because I trusted her and loved her enough to show it to her. It's that fucking simple. Why? Because that's the part of me that leaves me vulnerable as fuck. And I don't like being vulnerable to fuckers that I don't trust or remotely care about. I fucking "regressed" because it hurt too fucking much. What the fuck did she want me to do? Reveal how hurt I was and beg her to take me back?

And you know. The thing that hurts the most isn't the break up or the fact that she picked her present girlfriend over me. What hurts the most is that she doesn't consider me a friend, and after all of it she just wants to throw it all away. It's like friendship isn't even a possibility to her. I'll be honest. Completely and honest. It's like the thing between us was just something that came to her life for just a brief second and now she's cutting those bonds as if it never existed. That doesn't make logical sense. But that's how I feel. That's what hurts so much. I'm back to being just another stranger that she happened to talk to. I'm back to being nothing in her life. And it fucking hurts like fuck. It hurts so much that I'm numb to everything else.

It may seem like I've regressed back to how I was in November but quite honestly I haven't. I care enough to care. I smoke because it's a bad habit and I'm addicted. The longest I've gone without smoking was like a week and a half. If I've really regressed to the person that I was in November, the person that she met, I would be trying to block off all this fucking pain. But I'm not. I'm feeling it. I'm just trying not to let it control me.

Honestly. I miss her. Obviously. I want to talk to her. I want to be her friend. I don't want to say goodbye. But I'm so scared of getting even more hurt then I am now. I'm scared she'll reject my friendship. I'm scared to hope and yet I'm hoping. I'm scared that if we do becomes friends, I wouldn't be a true friend to her. I'm afraid that she won't be honest. I'm afraid that it'll just be a way for her to make me feel less sad or whatever.

I honestly don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know what to think. It hurts even more to know that I really didn't even know her. It's like I was falling in love with someone that only existed in my imagination.

It just hurts.

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