Wow.

I think I just figured out my biggest fear.

Losing the people that mean a lot to me.

I still have this feeling that everyone that I'll ever open up to will eventually leave.

That's why I like being with Lewis. I can be cold and detached. I don't have to open up to him and he doesn't have to open up to me. We have this silent agreement. We don't expect each other to stay friends forever.

I was perfectly happy with not giving a fuck. Being by myself. Shit, I was perfectly happy without feeling the need to bloody express myself all the god damn time. And I mean the mushy sentimental kind of expression.

At least I'm not angry all the time anymore. Yay! But but, I miss my dark and mysterious side! It made me all..mysterious. Hehehe.

I also love being able to feel. But sometimes it gets too much. And I'm feeling good happy emotions. Yay. As well as everything else. It scares me, this change. I've spent my whole life trying not to let this kind of thing happen, because it leaves me vulnerable to pain and all that stuff. In three months, my fortress was cracked, and now it's tumbling to the ashen ground. I want so hard to just throw the walls back up, to save myself from even the possibility of being hurt. But I can't. I can honestly say that I can't build up my walls anymore.

I would rather risk getting hurt than pushing everyone that I love and care about away. I've seen the pain that I've put my parents through, that I've put my friends through, and they don't deserve that. Well, it's not that I push them away, I just don't let them in. They deserve better. I don't want them to always smack dead straight into a cement wall. The consequences of letting them in is worth it. Even if I'll get hurt. There's so much that so many people can teach me. You have to take the bad in with the good. Even with pain, you learn.

When did I become such an optimist?

I find myself wanting to talk to Bettie more and more now that I've gotten over her. It's bizarre. I don't like ending things on a bad note. I want to know how she's doing and I'm curious to see if she's changed at all.

I HATE Chhai so much. So fucking much. Ughhh. Filthy filthy guy. I hate him soo much. And I hate David. But I hate Chhai the most. Fucking bastard. I'm soo happy that I've rid myself of him.

Okay. Enough bullshit. I'm done emoting.

I feel better.

Dropping me a line.
And to think I was basing my not talking ot you on my thinking that you hated me. You're bigger than that though, Why in heavens do I underestimate people? [email protected] But I am giving you that assuming you don't know my email anymore. (I could be underestimating you again) {I wonder how you are as a friend} B.J.
» Bettie (207.235.211.61) on 2004-11-02 04:33:02

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