i'm happier than i've ever been in a relationship before and it's almost like we've gone past just being in a relationship. but i'm so in love with him and still i cry about it. just thinking about him right now brings tears streaming down my face. i cant even bring myself to the point that i'll just cry myself to sleep either cause it hurts when i close my eyes. i'm not sad... at least not that i can think of. i have no reason to be. but i cant stop crying when i think about him. even if i dont even know what i'm thinking about i start crying and it feels almost like i'm crying acid now cause when the tears roll dowm my face it burns my cheeks really bad. and i just dont get it... what's wrong with me? i thought that since i'm happier than ever before i wouldn't have to deal with this anymore and yet here it all is again. is it cause of something sad that happened a while ago that just finally sunk in or am i really crying for anthony? I JUST DON'T KNOW!!! i'm confused... and my confusions growing so to the point where now it hurts me. it makes me cry even more and i just want it to stop!

I NEED A HUG!!!

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

I feel really pukey so I don't know what to put

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

Anthony got me the actual engagement ring. I fucking love it. It's pretty big, and since it's got 3 diamonds in it I'm kinda afraid to wear it to school cause I have this thing that I tend to lose my rings at school and it's a bit too big... but I love it and I wear it anyway cause it's from him. I fucking love him!!! I can't wait for my 18th birthday to come so I we can actually sleep together. I sleep so much better when I'm in his arms. I just feel bad, cause everytime I move he wakes up and I can't help it that I move when I sleep. And when he wakes up it tends to wake me up. But yea... oh well. I'm happier and I feel safer when I'm with him.

Comment! (4) | Recommend!

WARNING!
if you are one who reads to critisize then do not read or comment
this is about my dream and a longing
(includes "lesbian thoughts")





okay, it's been a while since I put in a dream log..... the last one wasn't marked as such, but I wrote about a dream in it. (back in about the second or third month I had my nutang).


On one note... I'd also like to include that this dream is the same as my longing so I talk about them in equal amounts yet mixed. Also this isn't my dream from the night recently passed... it is from two nights ago.

as written in my hand journal

Friday
(12.23.05)

(5:09am) Hmm. This is slightly new for me. I long to be with another. To kiss and touch... to make love to another. Someone other than my dearest Anthony. He's hardly even in my dreams now, not for the past week... at least not as a main person. They vary in my dreams and thoughts, faces and bodies changing almost every time I close my eyes. One has stuck in my mind more than ever lately... one who I've been gone from for a while. One whose body I've always been attracted to, ever since we met years ago. I've been longing to touch her for the longest time, yet I know it must wait longer. I dream of kissing her passionately... to massage her tounge with mine. I want to run my hands gently over her soft skin. To lay with her... our naked bodies against eachother. I constantly see her below me as I kiss her neck, move down and kiss her chest. Cupping her bare, perfectly shaped breasts in my hands and tracing around her hard nipples with my fingertips and the tip of my tongue... listening to her heartbeat and increasing breaths... and to gently nibble on the tips of her nipples. Then to slowly move farther downward, kissing down the center of her stomache to eat her out... barely touching her with the tip of my tongue, then massaging deeper and deeper & listening to her soft moans of pleasure as I slide my finger into her. Adding to all of it even more. I long to feel her body in my arms, to tease her and pleasure her. But I know this won't happen anytime soon. No girl out here (that I feel strongly for) is that willing... and even if they were they'd be "just experimenting." Thus I must wait for the longest time.

Always,
Monkey

Comment! (3) | Recommend!

So now I shall break into confessionals. I've become nearly addicted to it since our first time... yet I continue to follow through out of love and my heart's will. But he loves me for me.... doesn't he? I know it's a common fear, but a fear for me none the less. What if it is just for sex... how would I know? But I don't wish to think like that of him. I love him with all my heart. And I believe that this one is for real. I know many of you who read this are rolling your eyes at my thoughts ("Like she hasn't said that before.") but this time is unlike any other. I fear not to be myself around him, but to wear my mask as I have around every other. They never cared for me... only the image of me. {with a few exceptions and those ended on my feelings not being equal.} He doesn't care what I look like, he tells me I'm beautiful all the same. And he does not wish for me to act a certain "proper quiet" way when we go out... but for me to do as I wish, and if I wish to draw attention to myself or to us to do so ~ for he is not embarassed by me. I'm part of their family. His father cares for me and talks with me often when he drives me home... keeping up on how things with my mother and I are, always offering to help if we need it. His mother is completely cool with me, and I feel comfortable around her. He told me that on our first date, after I was brought home, she looked back at him and said "she's a keeper." It's kinda funny.... I remember that so well... I usually forget things like a night at the movies pretty quickly... but I still remember, and that was back just after my birthday. And he stays with me as much as he can... even if it means walking home in the cold in the middle of the night. (<<< okay, around 10 or 11-ish usually even tho we're on Winter Break, cause mom has to work). I can't believe all of this is actually happening to ME. I never thought I'd have a relationship so perfect. And it's been only a few months short of a year. Plus... at the top of the Stratosphere, out on the deck (on Nov 19) he kinda proposed to me. Not really, cause he didn't have a ring... but still I said yes. A ring is but a material object... something anyone can posses, but love.......... that's by far a different story. Only one can posses one's true love and he has mine and I have his. That's all I need.

Monkey

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

alright, well to start off ~


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!


But that isn't why I came here.
I have a question...



When, durring sex, there is only passion and love; not just lust, is it then that one has passed beyond merely having sex..... to making love?

And does this mean that thy bond of love between two has reached its highest strength yet?

Comment! (4) | Recommend!