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I've realized over time that as insecure as I am... I'm not the "typical" insecure of most girls. It comes to many things... things I always think to myself but have never really put out. Like weight... just about everyone worries about weight; too heavy too light... looking at the numbers on the scale. I'm uncomfortable with it too... except I don't care what the scale says... I see 145-150 and it throws me off too... size wise I look about 115-120 but I'm also 5'6 and not flat as a board. I like how small I am... especially with how horrible and inconsistent my eating habit are, how inconsistent I am with exercising and the fact that I had a 9lb baby... I'm smaller than a lot of girls my age who exercise regularly, watch what they eat and haven't carried a child. However I do want to lose a few inches... just here and there that I see that could be tightened up or used to be firmer.

>>> I will lose 3 inches off my waist/ tummy by my trip to OKC in April
>>>> I will focus on toning my arms/ developing my upper body strength to the point that I like how my arms look by April as well (the backs of my upper-arms jiggles quite bad for how little I am)

I also always hated my chest... I felt it wasn't big enough and never compared to models and even smaller-chested porn stars. My wish was fulfilled by pregnancy... I went from a comfortable B cup to an almost D... problem is pregnancy, lactation, nursing and then weening takes quite a toll. While I have the size I always wanted I hate them even more now with very feint, probably only noticeable by me, stretch marks and the fact that they almost look like they're beginning to sag because they basically flattened once my milk was gone and the extra skin still remained. I've done research though and decided to go out on a whim and try something

>>> I will use this Adorna cream until the little container is empty and see how I feel afterward... it is supposed to help fill my breasts back out to being perky and full like they were pre-pregnancy. I know it's a long shot but it's come to the point that I'm so uncomfortable with them I've even considered surgery a time or two... I just want some sort of a result before I hit the point where I'm done having kids/ before I decide it's time for a second.

I could pass as high-maintainence (sp?) by certain standards HOWEVER the people who put that label on me don't know that my manicured nails: I take the time to do them myself, my pedicured feet: I take the time to do myself, my well-kept eyebrows: I take the time with tweezers to do them myself [all three are done in the middle of the night when I am the only one awake so I am not on anyone else's time] my straightened and treated hair I've learned to do in about 3 minutes... 6 if I have to dry it, my make-up I've learned to do in no longer than 5 minutes, my expensive-smelling perfume is actually from Victoria's Secret and my day-to-day is from Wal*Mart... I'm no where near where these people place me to be... the majority of my day/ time is spent anywhere but on myself.

>>> I need to figure out how to settle my thoughts (hence the many many private entries) to be able to focus where I need to be focused. In the next year (365 days from today) I will be making $5,000 a month to be able to support myself and Bubba.

I don't even remember why I started this, honestly. I know I've got something burning on my mind, but I'm trying to draw myself away from that.
... I guess I shall go... I have a Pika-blanket to work on...

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I've always laughed when people say the world is going to end. I've heard that so much in my 22 years that I think I'm just used to it. Starting with the fact that the world "ended" back when I was in 4th grade with Y2K.

But I feel like I've started to go a little crazy. Over the past week or two my mind has started going 'Friday the 21st is coming up quick... what if the world really did end? Is there anything I haven't done that if the world were to burst into flame (I'm pretty sure it's fire that's supposed to take us out this time) I would regret not having done?'
And oddly there is one or two things that come to mind that I've begun to wonder if maybe I should go ahead and get them done the night before (that Thursday).

The only problem I've hit is that, if I do go through with them, that Saturday when I wake up and the world is still all around, alive and as well as can be currently... there's a possibility that I'll have jeopardized a very beloved friendship. And that would make the event of that day (8:30am-7:00pm so not just a short event) very VERY awkward.

I have to make myself decide. I might just do one and leave the other to be found the next time the world is about to end...

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