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Who'd've thunk that something I blew off right after high school would be such a huge part of my life now and be helping me get my life to where I want it to be. I love what I'm able to do, helping others be able to get the same sense of self security and confidence in their future.

Do you have 4 minutes?

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Over everything else right now I am looking very forward to a call or email I should be receiving in the next few days, our tax return and April.

I made a decision for "us" that Zek isn't all that thrilled about. With the car in the condition it's in [currently completely undriveable and in need of a few thousand dollars worth of repairs] I have decided that we are just getting a new car if wee can find a payment that's matched or lower then the current monthly $358. I have also decided on what car we are getting because it is the one that is the most affordable right now (at just under $13k). Zek's upset because the 2013 Nissan Versa S I've chosen is a "stupid little piece of shit import car" because it's not a Dodge, Chevy or whatever other expensive crappy gas mileage cars he wants. I've told him it'ssavings will make up for the past year's rip-offs from our current. [Funny how when we got it he said having a Lexus made him feel higher-status... it's technically an import car since they're by Toyota]
The Nissan gets almost 4x the gas mileage we've been getting lately... we'd hit 15mpg in a week if we're lucky, we won't have to put oil in it every 2days- 200miles, a NEW Nissan won't be ready for a new transmission, torque converter, ignition coils or new heads anytime soon AND it'll actually be in pristine condition for me to FINALLY get my license with and hopefully bring our insurance down - especially once I have my license and switch the car/ insurance into my name. Plus the money saved can be put to us finally moving or to him getting the stupid Chrysler 300 he wants so bad - and gets mad when I say it's the "poor man's Rolls Royce"

^^^^ That's the call I'm expecting any day now. Luckily through my LegalShield associate benefits I don't have to do my own shopping around or haggling; they're doing it for me. Plus once I hear from them we can find a way to the dealership they suggest, test drive this baby and then fax the contracts over to my attorney to make sure I'm not being financed for 5 years on a "dealer prep fee" (aka expensive ass - up to $250 in some places - car wash and vacuum), possibly knock even more off of our bill and be on our way out.

Our tax return I'm excited for for a few reasons and that kind of mixes with April too. With it I believe there will be NO MORE t-mobile for us with all the problems lately, I can take advantage of the discount I get with either Sprint or AT&T (I was right the first time Cheryl, it's not Verizon and I'll let you know as soon as yours is available for you) AND I can finally get a new phone!! The one I've been using was Zek's [Galaxy S 4G 1] until I warranty swapped mine for an HTC that I HATED so I swapped him... it already had one crack in the screen and has since gone swimming a few times and the bottom half of the screen is pretty close to shattered, plus my battery has some sort of short where it's ballooning some and causes my phone to over heat, shut off and misread it's charge at any given point even without being used. Needless to say I can't wait to get my brand new pretty white Galaxy3 and a lime green flip case for it.

Plus tax return brings summer shopping for Bubba in his forever growing wardrobe and I love shopping for him. As well as my registration for the LegalShield Destiny Now! Convention in April and my plane ticket to Oklahoma City for the convention! I'm so excited for 2013 being MY year... no one's going to take that away from me!


... now I've just gotta get into better shape after trekking TI's parking garage staircase from 3rd to 7th pretty much winded me yesterday.

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Things have been... difficult. Interesting. Even amazing at times. But difficult.
I think we've talked enough now that we've come to a mutual ground: we're not getting better.

It's probably bad that the reason that bothers me is because everyone said it wouldn't last... that we were (and still are) too young. But it's not even that. We didn't take the time to learn each other before we leaped.
We knew each other for only nine months when we made the decision to bind our 'love'; had only been "dating" for about a month and a half and had only REALLY been talking for about two months longer than that. Looking at that, I guess to me it's not really a surprise. We gave it our go... it's been two years. I have to say that, yes, I still do love him. It's just that [cliche] I'm not at all IN love with him. I always thought that was a stupid line that was just used and never made any sense; now that I'm there though, it does. I couldn't imagine my life without him being a part of it. But I can't see that part as more than a friend. Things just keep getting worse between us and I don't want it to be pushed to the point of lingering bad blood; he's still the only father that Bubba knows.

I do enjoy the time that we're together. I never enjoy the way that ends. It's rare to come home from a day out without an argument. And I try to talk it out but that's all it ends up being... that I talk. There is no conversation. There is no understanding. Lately, it feels like there isn't even any trying. We've gone out twice now (the past two Saturdays) and they came to a close great. We didn't argue at all. But when we were out it felt like we were out as friends. When we came home, last Saturday we were both exhausted and went right to bed (and the stomach flu made itself known to him) and the Saturday before that we came home and I was a wreck cause my body didn't know what I had just done to it and I'd been awake since 6:30am.

Does it make me horrible that I'm willing to let this go, to let "us" go, to save our friendship? We are great as friends (kinda) but it feels like there's a wall blocking a certain level of understanding that's keeping us from working as a couple now that we've come to actually know each other.

Other factors have come into play helping me understand a little more on why it's become best for us to walk away but those are more our own personal demons coming to play.

And I AM still trying to make it work. I hit my points like today, like right now, where I'm just done. But majority of the time I'm still trying to see and understand what and where we went wrong and what we could possibly do to correct it. And trying to understand why he finds it so hard to actually talk, without accusation, without guilt and without blame. It gets to this point and it really REALLY hurts.

I'm glad that I have one person I can truly talk to, even though we only see each other once a week. Sometimes I'm at the point that I'm passed the talk and when he sees me like that, like I was just this past Tuesday, and asks me what's wrong... it makes me wish I could lie to him. I hate what we are going through and I want everyone to see me as the truly, deeply happy person I want to be; the happy person I once was. Just sometimes... sometimes it just makes it hurt worse to smile.


I just have to keep reminding myself to Breathe

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