So we meet again, my mind and I. We seem to have this meeting at the most twice a month; at it's longest interval (lately) about every month and a half. However, and this is how I know it's been a slow month for me, this will be the third time in just October.

We meet like this because, for some unknown reason, my mind feels overworked, exhausted and like it's overflowing. However when I give it any period of time in my day I can't seem to focus on any thought at all and it almost feels like my mind is so very full that it's empty. I don't know if that makes sense at all. Maybe I really am going crazy/ losing my mind like a good friend joked about... and if I am how did he know before me? Eh... I suppose I would be the last person to realized something like that happening.

But I'm here again. I must say that, honestly, I open up NuTang at least a couple times a day... meaning to write but feeling like my thoughts are repetitive, even within my personal/ pw entries. So I'll just close it again and either let my thoughts fester, hope to get into a conversation that'll take my mind off of it or try to get busy and find something to occupy myself. I think going from never being home before I got pregnant (in '09) between work at the studio, "work" at the hooka lounge, parties and just hanging out to being a stay at home mom for the past almost 3 years, with no car and no reasonable way to get around with Bubba when Zek's at work has begun to drive me to my breaking point. I absolutely love being a mom and wouldn't change that for anything... I just wish it didn't come with the price of being a hermit. Plus when Zek is home and we can go out it seems like we're always fighting or getting at each other. I love what I have with LegalShield... but I'm really getting to the point that I think I want a job/ to actually work again. I miss being around people all day and getting to have different conversations and building new relationships with the people I'm around.

It'd help me meet my goals (financially at least) much faster too... I just can't reason with myself to go out and make money just to turn around and spend it all on childcare that I don't even trust just so I can go out and make money... it seems like another pointless circle to me. So I stay home and know that my baby is around a loving, nurturing, safe environment instead.

I don't know I'm just trying to make sense of the different things that are going through my mind right now. I don't even know if it makes any sense. And, honestly I'm just thoughtlessly typing as it comes... not even looking at the keyboard but instead typing with my face smashed down into my mattress. And just very warily looked at the screen afraid of the nonsense I'd see typed and have now learned I've gotten much better at typing over the past few years that I'd thought.

I'm going to return to having my face smashed into my bed now and retreat to trying to make sense of the rest of my thoughts.
... plus I'm hungry... someone should bring me a burger of some sort... just no onions. Yea... a burger... that sounds good...

Buh-bye

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.