Alright, this is probably gonna be my last update on here for a while ~ I've realized that the summer's so boring that there's nothing even to put in here. No I'm not leaving for any sort of depression again ~ there's no reason for it... life's just fine and me and Anthony are two months strong now. And no I'm not moving as I've had to so often lately, even if we were I'd refuse to. I'm just taking a slight hiatus and seeing if things get anymore interesting. I'll still come on and comment my friends every once in a while and check my comments/ messages, but no new posts. I'll also, most likely, be more than available to chat on myspace if you have one. (www.myspace.com/midnightmonkey) <~ check out my video on there, Puffy AmiYumi kicks ass. IM me or call me as you wish and I'll most likely be available to chat for a bit. Now as given away by the subject, my dedication to Auden and Skyler. May they remain in love forever, and teach those who were so cruel to them and those who are cruel to me and others. (take care.) ~I know I'm posting it about 4 days later then whence I recieved word of it, but all the same you should know~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To every homophobic person on the planet,
I hope you feel like shit.
I hope one day you realize you push people too far sometimes,
you make people feel like shit enough to go to extremes.
They should've killed you.
But instead they took their own lives,
feel better, they're a weight off your shoulders,
one less happy couple you have to watch be happy together,
because you're too closed minded to let them be happy.

Fuck you.

THEY RISKED IT ALL FOR LOVE....



Auden, along with his boyfriend Skyler, were found dead in Skyler's room this morning, the 20th of July. Amongst their bodies were painkillers, alcohol, and a 9mm.

"If me and Auden cant be here together, i dont want to be here at all. Im so stupid, how could i have let her find out about me and Auden. I cant just sit here and let him be taken away from me. Right now, im staring a bottle of oxycotton and a bottle of JD. These pain killers dont work well anymore. I want to be with Auden for ever, no matter what the sutiation is. I cant do that if his dad is taking him to London. I sould just end it now. I know doing this is going to hurt alot of people, but id rather hurt them, then live a life in pain. My parents need me too. They need to know how much ive grown up. Seventeen years is long enough. Im glad Auden is going to do this with me. We need to be together. We're ment for each other. No one will ever understand us but each other. This was ment to be."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
you only have yet to learn

Comment! (5) | Recommend!

YAY! ... this completely sucks!!!!!!!!! I'm serious, it does.
Yesterday morning when Anthony left, around 9:15, I went in and laid down to try to get some sleep. At first it didn't work so great. I kept having the same dream over and over:
that I'd fainted in my room and when Anthony came over he found me and called 911. (I'm just gonna give an outline of what happened... mind you, I'm terrified of hospitals & haven't been to one since I was born.) An ambulence came and picked me up and just when they were putting me into the back of it I came-to. I didn't realized where I was at first, just that I wasn't in my room, and that I was strapped down to whatever bed I was laying on. Then I saw all the stuff around me and lifted my head some so I could see what was going on & through the still open doors I saw the red and blue lights and realized what was going on. I saw Tony and started calling for him... asking him to help me, to get me outta there. But he just closed the doors and said to take me away, that I was sick.
After that I woke up in a massive cold sweat with tears streaming from my eyes.
Finally, around 4pm I laid back down and slept decently until just after 8. When I woke up... I felt like shit. I came out into the dining room (where the comp is) and when I sat down Jr said that I looked like I felt like shit, and that I was paler than usual. So I went in and took my temp... the two of them average out to exactly 101.4*. And my throat hurts so bad I can hardly even drink water... let alone take medicine or eat. I'm so skrewed.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

Just when i thought i had to make it alone
You were right there by my side
Making a stand holding my hand, the way you do
Then to remind me of a "me and you"

When i'm with you all my fear dissappeares
Like if i reach i'll touch the sky
You've got my back, pick up my slack when i can't see
But nothing keeps me up like knowing we'll be

Friends forever
Face whatever
Friends forever yay!
We're never gonna be apart

You and me we are so oddly the same
The way we think, the way we play
Right from the start, so off the chart, about this thing
But we didn't know at first that we were making

Friends forever
Bond together
Friends forever yeah!
We'll always be there

Oh yes there also can be times that get rough
And all that can be said is "sorry"
That we were wrong and said some meaningless stuff
And we'll go on together through any nasty weather yeah!

Friends forever
Friends forever
Bond together
Friends forever
Friends forever
Friends forever
Bond together
Friends forever
Face whatever
Friends forever
Bond together

Comment! (2) | Recommend!

Fate tied out on the end of a string
I panic
Each way I turn is another wall
I go to take a step, but everytime I fall
I thought and thought
And worried more and more
Over what though?
I found it to be better now
Everything's fixed
A single line sealed with a kiss
I know my truth now
And believe in his
The string grew out,
But the knot held strong in a single spot
Soon at the top to tell us all
Another twist in the story,
Through all panic
All fear
I've learned what no one knows
And now I know what I need to do.
Worry not about the past.
I can only change what I've done with what I do
The grim has returned,
But I turned his sithe from me
And ignored the offer.
Instead I pushed through,
With a slight bit of venting done.
(There's plain evidence of that below )
I didn't hold back from what I needed most,
And I didn't hide
And so I've learned that this is true.
So in my story, there's another twist.
Pulled from my heart,
Now closer than ever.
Thoughts and dreams running wild.
Secrets still kept from those who'd care.
In silence I wait.
For another night is yet to come.
A single line thought, sealed with a kiss.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Your soul is caring.
Other people are your concern, even if you
don't know them. If you see a person trip you
worry is he is okay. You put your loved ones
first and you're very mature. When someones
sick you're nurturing and always try to help
family and friends when failure strikes them.
You can be called the motherly one, if you are
in a group of people, which doesn't have to be
bad. Love is something that's already in you
and you have a lot to give whether you believe
it or not. Your friends probably love you very
much and come to when they need help since
you're reliable. People can feel secure with
you and generally like you.


How is your soul?(pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

It's all going to happen just like I'd thought it would... isn't it? I fucked up ~ I did one thing wrong, and it's ruining everything. I knew this would happen... I always fuck things up. I give up. If this goes how I feel it's going to then I'll hold myself true. I only have two people that never hurt me at all ~ Ryan and Taylor. Ryan's engaged, and his fionce and her friends are the reason this is all happening... so that'd be impossible. And Taylor ~ he's really protective. ([and I'm the one that fucked up both of those relationships too]) What the hell is wrong w/ me!?
If this does all happen, Anthony can't be the one people get mad at. I did this to myself. I let my curiosity get to me again ~ and again it's thrown me into a fit of tears. The ones that aren't from sadness, like a child's dog ran away. Rather, the tears that come from the bottom of your soul. The ones that contain every tiny thing that's in your heart... anything that's ever happened to you is in every drop. Like the tiniest cut that you didn't even know you had until someone pointed it out to you ~ and then it just bleeds. It's nearly microscopic, but it just keeps bleeding. Bleeding like these tears from my eyes. A never-ending liquid mass. All of my anger at my self and at others, the hurt that I've put upon my own heart, how I still can't believe that I gave in to curiosity; EVERYTHING is coming out.
It's all spilling from my eyes... to the point where it hurts. I just want to lock myself away in my room and act like none of it ever happened ~ like nothing even exists to hurt me- that my heart's never been torn to shreds- that NONE of this is even REALLY happening. But at the same time I want ONE person that TRUELY cares to be here. Someone I can tell anything & they woun't give their opinion... they won't tell me to get help or that I need to talk to some one professional. Right now all I need is a friend that'll listen. I'm always listening & when I feel like I'm talking too much I stop, cause I know no one REALLY wants to listen to me go on about how hurt I am & how I don't deserve a lot of what I've got... that I don't deserve Anthony ~ or even, really, to live. I'm tired of listening... I put everyone else before me & all of their problems before my own and then I build up inside. I build up to my breaking point & then I cry.
I don't want anyone to see me, or even to know that I exist... and I cry. I go past a mirror and look away ~ but I still know that they're there. The wet tracks from my eyes and the faded black of my mascara outlining them. More than that, the shame that's poured upon my heart and soul & written across my face. The pain that I try to hide, but everyone manages to see ~ past mask and all. So I sit in the dark, in my room and cry. Only to calm me down some do I light a candle and let it burn. Burn like I wish everything on my mind would. Burn like my eyes from the tears shed. Burn like my heart from this pain. Just.... burn. And I think of all that just disappearing. How I wish I could just leave & go somewhere where I don't know ANYONE. That no one's even heard of my name, or a girl called monkey. A place where I don't remind anyone of someone else. Where I can just be ME. Not the "me" that everyone knows ~ but truely ME. Never with a mask turned to to hide behind. Me as I know myself. Just............ me.

Comment! (5) | Recommend!