grrr, sooooo much shit on my mind right now ~> i dunno what to think, feel, type, or even say. All I'm gonna put for now is this: <~to Van~> no matter what happens baby I still love you. I know this whole thing is probably gonna make you really unsure, it's already gotten to me. I just don't want this to effect us at all. And no, I didn't want you to go earlier, I wanted you to stay here so i could help, try calm you down some, and just to plain out be with you. No matter what I will love you all the same as I have since the day I met you. I wish I could've gone with you instead of having to stay here.... I might've not been this upset by this whole situation. Seeing you shaking that badly scared me, that's why I'm this worried. And tomorrow, I'm not gonna let go. I love you Van.

Love ~> Lori

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Okay, referring to my previous entry; skrew Jonathan. He ended up turning into a complete jerk when Van came over. At that point I realized that he's not sure of himself at all and that he's just trying to impresseveryone. Cause he was really sweet when it was just me and him..... but when Van joined us Jonathan started acting like he's all bad ass and stuff and it just completely changed my opinion on him. (by the way... Van is the guy that's actually the reason me 'n Jonathan met) However I've realized that Van hasn't changed a bit..... whether it's just me 'n him ~ jonathan, me 'n him ~ or my bro, me 'n him. No matter what he's still the same person ~>~>~> I guess thatz why I like him so much.

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YES!!!! The first week of skool is over! I got my Lit. book today, I had to carry the damn thing all the way home. The fucker was heavy. I walk to and from skool, and now I've realized that the walks aren't too bad. I'm soo happy, I finally met my "annonymous skateboarder" yesterday. Ya kno what, I'm actually gonna go for now ~> it's about 1:25am and the Tylenol PM is now kicking in. Goodnight. (btw, my "annonymous skateboarder's" name is Jonathan ) He's sooooo mondo sweet!

Love,
Monkey

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it was ok, i guess. I felt way outta place when I first got there, all thru 1st,2nd,3rd, and 4th hour. I guess my schedule is good...... but I'm gonna see if I can get transferred out of PE into Dance. My schedule is as follows:
1st - Advanced Choir - Nelson
2nd - Biology - Cooper
3rd - Phys Ed - Evans
4th - Algebra 1 H - Snyder
5th - Health Ed - Conover
6th - English 1 H - Parham
My teachers are ok... I guess. Mrs. Nelson's pretty kewl ~> she's always smiling...? Mr. Cooper's madd awsome! I have a feeling that biology's actually gonna be fun. Ms. Evans seems like she wants to make my life a living Hell; hence the fact that I wanna transfer outta her class (the dance teacher's really nice) Mr. Snyder I'm actually not too sure about, but he seems................... ok. Mr. Conover is kewl; he's 6'8", that's a foot 4 inches taller than me. (major neck cramps when I gotta talk to him) And Mrs. Parham's pretty kewl. She was the one that I had when I first got to skool.... then 6th hour....... then for a while after 6th hour. She's nice and she lets A LOT slide that most teacher's will kill ya for.
And anyone who knows me pretty well will understand this ~> why do William's always look so damn hot? Except this one is taller then me, a sk8er, and his eyes are gorgeous! Not to mention his brother,Daniel (but he probably goes by Danny cause Daniel ssems too "proper/formal" for him) ~ looks to die for. I love how he does the hot-pink w/ black thing. I wanna meet at least one of them. -tear- But I probably never will cause I'm so damn shy. O YEA!!! And I have 2 friends at skool ~> Asia and Ryan. I met Ryan cause he reminded me of Justin (<3) when I saw him, and then Asia cause she asked to sit and we struck up conversation. Well I gotz ta get. Love ya all ~> Monkey

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God, coming back here to Vegas I now realize how much of an outcast I truely am. I don't belong here... or anywhere at that matter. My whole life has been nothing more then a dream. A stupid mind-twisting, never ending, glorious dream. My true friends aren't a dream though... and I have proof of that past time when I was with them. I came to know my surroundings in Florida by walking... with or without music, I'm now here and I still walk. Only now is different. When I went walking in my neighborhood in Fla people weren't suprised to see me... whether I was on the road, the sidewalk, or down by the lake; I even met a lot of people by walking so much. But here I walk... I'm dead, I am mearly a spirit that only one person can see, I'm ignored. Though when I'm not ignored I am stared at as if I shouldn't be here... almost as if I have no right to walk, breathe, or to even live.

I feel like such a freak. I walk to gather my mind, and to sum up my thoughts, but I'm distracted by those around me. Everyone talking and hanging out with friends, having fun and making the most of life... and I silently walk by, the tears collecting heavily at the bottoms of my eyes. I feel almost like I don't even have Donovan any more, almost like I was parted from him in a dark forest... and I can only hear him by thought of his voice. I fear it was mt fault that we have grown apart so much since I've been back, and feel I should kill myself for the pain that's been caused mearly by my memory. But I hold strong, and I live my meaningless life.

"Sleep my friend and you will see, the dream is my reality." <~ Metallica's
'Sanitarium.' The song that reminds me even more of my past life... how much fun I had there, with my friends... NO, my family. I felt like I belonged, and the feeling proved itself to be. I DID belong there, I was no outcast... and life was fun for the most part. But I know I had to leave. I did not want to be the reason of his death, so I refused to speak of my refusel to leave. Even now I still don't speak of it... I only type. My face holding no expression, my mind containing no thoughts, and the only thing you hear from my direction is my fingers hitting the keybored as the words and emotions flow mindlessly through them.

Here I feel dead, but know I am not. No one knows truely of my emotions about this. Not even by reading this. By this you know the words that have come from the tips of my fingers. If you listened hard enough you might softly hear my silent weeping. I doubt it though. Only one has... no one else ever will. Only you my friend know of the truth my soul hides. Those many long hours we spent on the phone speaking of nothing, only listening to one another cry. You know me so well, and I miss you so much. I miss those "conversations" we had. And I miss how we knew so well, without anyone ever saying a word. Only you my friend do I truely love. (only you my friend have ever truely known me and hear me cry honest tears)

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