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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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So I realized yesterday that it's been quite a while since I've even come on NuTang. I think about it every once in a while but never actually do, probably mostly because of how much it's changed since back when I first joined. It was a very small community back then... seemed like everyone knew each other back then too. The map was the home page and the person you were always guaranteed to see online then was lebattment (I know I spelled his name wrong)... or Aji with some very random post. It's crazy when you really think about it... that was back when I was in seventh grade; I've been out of high school for two years now.
It's really weird reading over some of my past entries to... wondering to myself how I was so caught up in someone who just ended up using me. Yeah, that fell apart and life's gotten so much better. I'm not confused about everything anymore. Instead not only am I in an extremely good relationship; and I'm a mommy now! Like I said, the differences are crazy.
I also, very obviously, don't live with Anthony anymore. I have a nice place with my sister now so no worries about flakey friends when it comes to rent and bills and everything of the sort. The only really bad change is that I also no longer have a job. However, yes, the timing on losing my job was just as good as it was bad. It gave me the time to really focus on taking care of myself through the end of my pregnancy, which was very hard to do with working.
With everything being said, Zek and Zaidrien are the two absolutely best things that have change in my life. Zek really is the other half of me I didn't know I was missing until I had to go a day without seeing him and felt like I was going to go insane. My little Zaidrien Michael, it's only been eight days and I don't know how I considered all my partying and everything "living" now that I have him.
[Zaidrien Michael ~ 05.20.2010 06:43pm 9lbs1oz 20.5in]
From the lost little girl that I was when I signed up, the girl who was depressed, lost and confused, to now... I see how much I've grown. Now that I'm a mother I almost wish I could go back and slap myself and tell me to get my act together. But I know that if I'd never fallen so low/ so deep... everything that's become in my life probably wouldn't seem so amazing and I wouldn't be so happy & satisfied with where I am... because I doubt I would be here.

My bubbie just woke up. It's time to switch back into present day and tend to him

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+ wow... it's literally been years since the last time i put something up on here... i can't believe that. And I used to be on at least once every day... and I'd get upset if I didn't get to update anything. It's been so long and so very much has changed... and I really didn't realize how different it all is now til a few nights ago when i got on and started reading stuff from back when I first started on NuTang back when I was in 7th or 8th grade

+ so... to start things off the two major events that were missed in my absence... I'm not only 18 now but I'll be 19 the end of next month and i actually finally graduated! I graduated as part of the first full four year class to come out of Canyon Springs High School and the LLPA on June 10, 2008. I was so proud of myself!!! And I actually almost managed to not cry til I realized that it was really happening and that high school really was over for me and my friends and I would be going our separate ways. Only a month later I was out (kinda) on my own... splitting an apartment with Anthony and 3 of our friends. It kinda sucks tho cause I got so used to how everything was in the apartment with the 5 of us that now, since our lease just ended last month, living with Anthony at his aunt's house is just kinda weird. I'm never there tho... but that's a tale for another day lol

+ I'm also working now ^-^ I work for JcPenney portrait studios at two malls and two stores depending on where my manager needs me based off our appointments. Work isn't as hellish as everybody always made it seem... granted right now it's gotten a little annoying cause I've hardly been getting days off and I'm still going out and having my fun at night with my friends just cause I'll never give that up... especially when it comes to going out to play pool with family and it makes it even better that the pool hall we go to... the bar tendor is family too ^-^ it's always nice to find a true down-ass juggalo to chill with. But yea... other then the bit of sleep deprivation work's actually pretty nice... I love the chicks that I work with. And... even tho I'm usually a guys' girl and I don't get along with females I hella love the girls I work with.

+ Damn... I don't mean to cut this short just b/c it's been so long since the last time I was on here I've really gotta get off to bed tomorrow cause I'm going to Anthony's uncle's with him tomorrow well... later... for easter and I have absolutely no idea when we're gonna be headin out... heh... I'm not even home [I haven't been in almost a week =/]

je t'aime
Singe de Minuit

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+ It sucks when you lose people... especially when it gets to the point that you lose that one or two people who you thought you'd always have. The people you thought you'd always be able to talk to about anything... all the time. Those few people you knew you could never be upset around... even if your world was going up in smoke and you just wished you could disappear. What makes it worse is that you kinda go into this semi-delusional denial before anything... and whne that wears off, the fact that that person, or those people, who you truely love and never wanted to leave is/ are gone... it hits you so hard it's almost kinda crippling.

+ And it sucks because I feel like I've lost two of my best friends now. One I know I can't see... but we don't talk anymore either; and it's not just that "we don't talk as much as we used to" kinda thing... earlier this week is the first time I've said hi to him in months, and I know he's not going to send anything back. And the other... he was my sanity for most of the time I've been out here; I knew I could always go to him abouteverything... even if i just needed to cry for a while and didnt want to explain why.

+ It just hit me... like... really hard slap in the face hit me... that... they're gone ... and that I'm lost and hurt without them. I keep thinking about them when I'm not really thinking about anything... and I find myself wondering what it would be like if I were to see either of them again. What sucks even more than all that is that they were the two people I thought I'd never lose... no matter what. It seems as though, now, my nightmare has come true. When Anthony's not around... I truely am alone... painfully alone.

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A thought came to me Saturday night. Anthony and I were down on the strip... trying to find something to do and we went by the highway and had to stop for the light...
I was watching the lights of the cars, it had just gotten dark, and the highway was pretty much packed... but it wasn't traffic-jam packed. I started thinking about the long nights I've spent on the highway, moving between here and Florida and I just started crying.

What if I go back to Florida, and it doesn't feel right? ... what if it doesn't feel like home anymore?
Then... where would I belong? Cause this sure as hell doesn't feel like home...
I won't belong anywhere

I ended up having to force myself to look out the window instead of the winshield, cause I didn't want Anthony to see me crying.

... but what if that is what happens?

... I won't know where to go :(

Monkey

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