Things have been... difficult. Interesting. Even amazing at times. But difficult.
I think we've talked enough now that we've come to a mutual ground: we're not getting better.

It's probably bad that the reason that bothers me is because everyone said it wouldn't last... that we were (and still are) too young. But it's not even that. We didn't take the time to learn each other before we leaped.
We knew each other for only nine months when we made the decision to bind our 'love'; had only been "dating" for about a month and a half and had only REALLY been talking for about two months longer than that. Looking at that, I guess to me it's not really a surprise. We gave it our go... it's been two years. I have to say that, yes, I still do love him. It's just that [cliche] I'm not at all IN love with him. I always thought that was a stupid line that was just used and never made any sense; now that I'm there though, it does. I couldn't imagine my life without him being a part of it. But I can't see that part as more than a friend. Things just keep getting worse between us and I don't want it to be pushed to the point of lingering bad blood; he's still the only father that Bubba knows.

I do enjoy the time that we're together. I never enjoy the way that ends. It's rare to come home from a day out without an argument. And I try to talk it out but that's all it ends up being... that I talk. There is no conversation. There is no understanding. Lately, it feels like there isn't even any trying. We've gone out twice now (the past two Saturdays) and they came to a close great. We didn't argue at all. But when we were out it felt like we were out as friends. When we came home, last Saturday we were both exhausted and went right to bed (and the stomach flu made itself known to him) and the Saturday before that we came home and I was a wreck cause my body didn't know what I had just done to it and I'd been awake since 6:30am.

Does it make me horrible that I'm willing to let this go, to let "us" go, to save our friendship? We are great as friends (kinda) but it feels like there's a wall blocking a certain level of understanding that's keeping us from working as a couple now that we've come to actually know each other.

Other factors have come into play helping me understand a little more on why it's become best for us to walk away but those are more our own personal demons coming to play.

And I AM still trying to make it work. I hit my points like today, like right now, where I'm just done. But majority of the time I'm still trying to see and understand what and where we went wrong and what we could possibly do to correct it. And trying to understand why he finds it so hard to actually talk, without accusation, without guilt and without blame. It gets to this point and it really REALLY hurts.

I'm glad that I have one person I can truly talk to, even though we only see each other once a week. Sometimes I'm at the point that I'm passed the talk and when he sees me like that, like I was just this past Tuesday, and asks me what's wrong... it makes me wish I could lie to him. I hate what we are going through and I want everyone to see me as the truly, deeply happy person I want to be; the happy person I once was. Just sometimes... sometimes it just makes it hurt worse to smile.


I just have to keep reminding myself to Breathe

I'm glad you have a good friend that you can confide in. And this place. It will always be there, waiting, like the best friend it can be. I'm also glad that you're coming in to your own, even if the steps are really, really small; you're growing up. =)

re: yeah, you suck at reminding me and I suck at making myself go lol =P I thought I was ready, but apparently not. At least I have the appropriate attire for when I am finally ready to do this.
» LostSoul13 on 2013-01-17 10:19:00

I kinda know how you feel :/
» Midnight on 2013-02-04 03:15:06

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