+ It sucks when you lose people... especially when it gets to the point that you lose that one or two people who you thought you'd always have. The people you thought you'd always be able to talk to about anything... all the time. Those few people you knew you could never be upset around... even if your world was going up in smoke and you just wished you could disappear. What makes it worse is that you kinda go into this semi-delusional denial before anything... and whne that wears off, the fact that that person, or those people, who you truely love and never wanted to leave is/ are gone... it hits you so hard it's almost kinda crippling.

+ And it sucks because I feel like I've lost two of my best friends now. One I know I can't see... but we don't talk anymore either; and it's not just that "we don't talk as much as we used to" kinda thing... earlier this week is the first time I've said hi to him in months, and I know he's not going to send anything back. And the other... he was my sanity for most of the time I've been out here; I knew I could always go to him abouteverything... even if i just needed to cry for a while and didnt want to explain why.

+ It just hit me... like... really hard slap in the face hit me... that... they're gone ... and that I'm lost and hurt without them. I keep thinking about them when I'm not really thinking about anything... and I find myself wondering what it would be like if I were to see either of them again. What sucks even more than all that is that they were the two people I thought I'd never lose... no matter what. It seems as though, now, my nightmare has come true. When Anthony's not around... I truely am alone... painfully alone.

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A thought came to me Saturday night. Anthony and I were down on the strip... trying to find something to do and we went by the highway and had to stop for the light...
I was watching the lights of the cars, it had just gotten dark, and the highway was pretty much packed... but it wasn't traffic-jam packed. I started thinking about the long nights I've spent on the highway, moving between here and Florida and I just started crying.

What if I go back to Florida, and it doesn't feel right? ... what if it doesn't feel like home anymore?
Then... where would I belong? Cause this sure as hell doesn't feel like home...
I won't belong anywhere

I ended up having to force myself to look out the window instead of the winshield, cause I didn't want Anthony to see me crying.

... but what if that is what happens?

... I won't know where to go :(

Monkey

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okay... he's amazing... that's all I can say to explain it. He's simply amazing.

We went out today... I didn't really know where we were going... he was driving, and I was just relaxing... hoping my headache would go away. ... I swear it was like a headache from Hell or something w/ how bad it was.
When I started paying attention again, cause my headache had faded a good deal, we were following Cheyanne cause he wanted to see where it went. We ended up in what looked like a car/ truck bone yard... it was really creepy. And there was one car that was just following us... which creeped me out even more. We finally came to a 3-way and turned to the left and the other car went to the right... I think both of us were relieved. Well... we ended up on ... errrr... Lake Mead I think and he was still just driving w/o really telling me where we were going... just that he could get me home in half an hour once we left.
... so I wasn't too worried about where we were going. Heh... then we were on a street w/o any lights except the few other cars, and I saw mountains... really close. He pulled off the road into the dirt shoulder and turned off the car. I got out and looked back the was we'd come from and it was just amazing... I could see almost the entire valley.
... I've never seen Vegas from outside all the lights... I've only seen it from the streets down in all the chaos. Up there... it was so relaxing. We just sat there on the hood of his car and talked <3 I swear... I'm falling for him all over again. It was so amazing, and so sweet that he brought me up there... I loved it. We stayed up there for like 45 minutes or so... I wasn't really paying attention... I just know that we left at 10:30 cause I had to be home by 11... and we were supposed to be at a park that's not too far up the road from where I live.

and on the way home... he bought me food <3
I love him soooo much... I really do ^-^

be jealous! hehe... cause he really is amazing, even if I do freak out sometimes

forever,
Monkey

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So.... I'm here now. And it's hot. Not quite as hot as Vegas, but it's still hot. Yesterday was... interesting. Or at least the morning was lol. I didn't sleep before we left, and I woke up around noon-ish the day before we left.
... I become kinda weird when I don't sleep and I'm tired. Last time I was like that I got off the bus and had a day in Six Flags - Magic Mountain ahead of me... so it wasn't really a big deal. This time I had a 9 hour drive ahead of me :P It wasn't good for my butt and legs... they're still pretty red... my back is a bit better tho. But I made the first hour-ish interesting... I was taking pictures like crazy, just cause I felt like it and the camera had a full battery. The picture frenzy stopped for a while after we got passed Hover Dam tho... didn't start up again until I was really bored. ***pictures in module... it's a long scroll, but hey... I warned you***

After driving for 3 hours we stopped for breakfast. That was the best fucking breakfast food I've had in a while. I wasn't really set for a lot of food... I wass expecting "breakfast" to mean McDonalds or something like that... we went to a truck stop restraunt... omg I forgot how good that food is. I wasn't really hungry for the whole rest of the day because of breakfast. Lol... there was one thing that I have to admit I liked tho. In Vegas I'm pretty much [physically] your average seventeen year old white girl... but out here [we stopped Kingman] I'm different from truckstop chicks. Usually they're strong-willed, don't look too well kempt, kind but still kinda tough... I'm your average big-city seventeen year old chick. I got attention from he guys in there... a kind of attention that I don't usually get... and I liked it. Idk... I'm weird.

Well, the rest of the six hours was kinda dull... we didn't really stop. Only once for the bathroom, an hour-ish later we stopped for gas, and once wee got close to Tucson we had to stop twice cause mom made a wrong turn and the exit we had to take was closed.

When we got here we put our stuff into the hotel room and got kinda settled... and left about 10 minutes later to go meet up with Cheryl. The place she worked at is no average pizza joint... "it's a pizza restruant." It's bigger than what I expected... and it smells really good [to me]. Then went to Fry's... the store just around the corner from Mama's [where Cheryl worked at] and then to Cheryl's. It's nice... small... but good as a first place. While we were there it rained ^-^ even if it was only for like 10 minutes or so... it's more than what we get in Vegas... it's only rained once or twice there this past school year. Well I'm gonna go. See if I can occupy myself for a while...since nothing's happened today since I woke up [2 or 3 ] hours ago. Plus Anthony's gonna be calling soon.

Always,
Monkey

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well, today was pretty nice. I didn't get as much done around the house as I probably should have, but I still have a few hours before we leave to get stuff done, so I'm not in too much of a rush.

Harry Potter was good... not as amazing as everyone hailed it to be, but it was good. But I guess that's what I get for comparing it to the book throughout the movie... and it starts out wrong anyway, so I was kinda upset straight from the begining. The movie in it's own was really good tho. I was a good deal more focused in on the movie then I was yesterday when we went to see Transformers. And from previews... heh, we're gonna be seeing a lot of movies the rest of the summer. When previews first started in thearters for The Simpsons Movie he told me we were gonna see it, so on July 27 we'll be at the movies. And the one about Santa Clause's brother... I know it doesn't come out for a while, but it looks funny and he said we'll see it.
... I like this. Ever since he got his car we've been able to go out and spend time together, with out needing to find a ride. And since he has a job he doesn't' seem to mind going out too much.

Well after the movie we stopped by my house for a bit cause I needed to do something and he was hungry, then we went out again. Didn't know where we were going tho and ended up just driving down Alexander for about 20 minutes, then turning around and going to his house. We hung out there for a while. It was nice... just laying there in his arms... listening to his heartbeat. I didn't want to leave. I just wanted to lay there with him and fall asleep... he could've dropped me off on his way to work ^-^ but I didn't... and still don't have my packing done, so we couldn't do that. We didn't leave until after nine... which is about the time he's usually laying down [since he has to be up at 4 in the morning] and didn't get to my house till around 9:30 since we had to stop at the store for Ma. When we got to my house I still didn't want to let go. I swear, I didn't want him to leave. We ended up saying bye about 10 times... at least. And me not crying... yea, that didn't happen. But he said that he's still gonna call like he usually does while I'm gone, so that makes me happy. And I have a really big hug to look forward to when I get back, so I'll just focus on that... try not to think of the time I'm not gonna be able to see him.

Poo... listen to me go on. How am I ever going to manage on the choir trip next year... I don't even want to say bye to him for a few days. That trip she's planning is gonna be at least a week. And then, after I graduate, me, Ma, and Cheryl are gonna be going down to Florida for a while... longer than a week probably, how am I gonna manage that? Geez... I guess I sound pretty pathetic... but 2 years and 2 months together... and we haven't had to be away from eachother for more than two or three days in two years. What do you expect? Well, I guess I better go and get something done in the kitchen... see if I can maybe even make the stove shiney again.

Always,
Monkey

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