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The more I stay here...
Thursday. 5.31.07 7:14 pm
The more I hate it.

I can't do SHIT in my own house without my grandpa bitching.

IT'S NOT EVEN HIS HOUSE!

I take a shower, he bitches. Apparently there's some sort of leak into the yard. He accuses us of "running water".

What, we're not supposed to flush the damn toilet? Take a shower? Wash our hands?

I feed the cat. He bitches, he doesn't want another cat. NO ONE ASKED HIM TO TAKE CARE OF IT! It's here because my neighbors bitched at my dad's, and here's a better place for him to be. I understand he doesn't want plates all over the yard. Maybe if he weren't such a fucking asshole, I wouldn't have assumed that he was being an old bitch and throwing the plates out every day.

I drop something or knock something over. He bitches. This is why I've hated staying in my room for so long. I stay in it now, and just don't move around. I sit on the bed all day.

I do this. He bitches.

I do that. He bitches.

I put freezer food in the freezer. I leave plenty of space for whatever the hell it is he needs. He puts my stuff in the fridge, and it spoils.

I have a stereo that I almost never use, because ZOMG IT ARE LAUWD or other idiocy that might happen.

I get told, "oh, ignore him", or the best "respect him, because he's old".

OLD PEOPLE DON'T DESERVE RESPECT UNLESS THEY'VE DONE SOMETHING RESPECTABLE. MANAGING TO NOT DIE IS NOT CAUSE TO BE RESPECTED.

I really should leave next weekend. Else I'm going to do something I regret.

If I stay at my dad's, I'll be miserable and bored. I'll get bitched at for god knows what that I didn't do.

If I stay at my moms, I'll be miserable and bored. I'll get bitched at for fucking being alive.

Somedays I wonder if I should just do something to myself so I don't have to be here... but then I realize that I'd get bitched at for that too.

I'm going to get bitched at over retarded shit no matter what. All I have to do is fucking look at someone the wrong way.

Most everyone has been telling me to get out, it's not a good place for me to be. It's never been a good place for me to be, and now that I've been away, I realize it.

Random people on forums: "You've totally reverted to the I-hate-myself-and-no-one-could-ever-love-me-or-find-me-attractive-or-want-anythi ng-to-do-with-me Ikima that you were before you met Dave and started to be happy with life.

Get out before you're full of depression and self-loathing again. "

People on NuTang.

Of course my family would bitch that "zomg you're never here stay and do all of our shit for us". Or "zomg it's sooo far away blahblahblah *whine*". Or "I don't see why you're leaving we're not that bad". It's all fucking bullshit. I have no reason to lie about any of them.

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ARGH.
Tuesday. 5.29.07 9:14 pm
I swear, every time I come home, I realize that it's just about the worst place I can be.

I'm always stressed, feeling like I'm going to do something to seriously injure myself, and it's just not a positive place.

I hate it here, I've always hated it here, even before I left for college.

I should leave. Then maybe I won't be so upset all the time.

I mean, try to be a nice person while I'm at home, I try to get along with everyone, and I always get shit for it.

Always.

I can't look at someone, lest I'm glaring at them or rolling my eyes. I can't talk, lest I'm getting "smart". I CAN'T FUCKING EAT, LEST I BECOME MORE OF A FUCKING WHALE.

I CAN'T USE THE GODDAMNED LIGHTS FOR FIFTEEN FUCKING MINUTES, BECAUSE IT'S DARK OUT AND I WANT TO JUMP ROPE IN THE GARAGE BECAUSE IT'S COOL AFTER DARK.

GOD. FUCKING. FORBID. THAT I WANT TO EXERCISE, NOT DIE OF FUCKING HEAT STROKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN DAY, AND NOT GET KIDNAPPED BY SOME LOONY AT NIGHT.



GOD FUCKING FORBID I FUCKING LIVE.

Sometimes being at home makes me wish I were dead.

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*sigh*
Saturday. 5.26.07 5:52 pm
She asks why it is that I'm almost always mad when she's around.

...

That's a pretty stupid question, if you ask me. Then again, she's Ms. "I don't ever do anything wrong I don't see why you treat me the way you do." ::rolls eyes::

I can't so much as LOOK at anything edible without her making some sort of "ZOMG FAT!" comment.

Of course, then she tries to act like she was talking about something else.

Stupid woman.

We went to 7-11 today. I walk in, and my aunt begins to say that I should see Borat, because it'll "make me confident to wear anything, haha." I look at her and say "Well, It doesn't matter how confident I am or could be, it would be shot down in five seconds," and keep walking. She asked what I meant, but had I told her, she just would have told her majesty, and I'd have never heard the end of it.

So I was in 7-11, going to buy a strawberry steamer, because they're rather tasty, I don't have them that often, and I haven't had anything to eat today. I begin getting some steamed milk, to thin out the steamer (the strawberry is a bit thick), and of course, OF COURSE, her highness starts bitching about "ZOMG CALORIESZ!!!1". I pour out what I've got, and walk away, because I'm so fucking tired of her doing that. I can't even so much as LOOK at anything edible without her going on a tirade about "ZOMG UR TEH FAT A;OIJF;OWIENFAWIEFJ;!"

So then, of course, because she *can't* look so horrible in front of her sister, she starts going on about how "dirty" the machines are, and blahblahblah, trying to make it look like that was why she didn't want me to get it.

She always pulls bullshit like that. And then, she tries to go "well if you wanted it you could have gotten it", like she's trying to blame it on me that I didn't get something.

I think for the rest of the time I'm home, I'm not going to eat ANYTHING. At all.

Not like she'll care, she'll still call me fat, and whenever I get within 3 feet of anything edible, she'll bitch.

*sigh*.

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Maybe I'll stop eating.
Friday. 5.25.07 6:26 pm
It would make her highness happy, but that's not why.
I'd lose weight, but again, that's not why.

In the past... 3? months, I've bought food. Not a problem, nothing abnormal about that.

First, I get a chicken sandwich from Wendy's. It's raw.

Second, I get a box of 100 calorie cupcakes. I bought them at least two weeks before the sell-by date, and a week later, I go to eat one, and the remaining three packs were moldy. Glad I noticed the fuzz hanging off of it before I put it in my mouth.

Third, I bought a jar of fruit from The Great Satan.

You'd think, oh, well, I'm eating progressively healthier, there shouldn't be much wrong with it. Besides, it's a jar of fruit. What could possibly go wrong?

So I'm eating this jar of fruit. (I wish I had a camera.) Anyway. I'm eating this jar of fruit. and I see what looks like a stem floating about. Odd, I think, but it happens. Then I realize it's a weird looking stem. So I poke at it with my fork.

IT'S A GRUB/CATERPILLAR THINGY!!! Sure, people eat them all the time, and sure, it was tiny, but sheesh! I buy a jar of fruit, I don't want to see a grub floating about in it. It didn't fall in, because I was eating out of the jar. It wasn't on the fork, because I looked at the fork before I put it in. It started floating about after I stirred up the jar to get a cherry from the bottom. I thought maybe I was being weird, but i poked at it, some more, and saw it's head and it's four little legs that were black...

Now I'm too paranoid to eat the other jars, I think it's going to be something else that goes on my "Do Not Eat" list... *sigh*

Another reason I should probably give up eating: It seems whenever I'm home, I have food in a freezer. At my moms, someone (read: my grandpa, he's really the only person ever here) puts it in the fridge, even though it's freezer-only food, and there's plenty of room for it in the freezer.

At my dad's, someone eats it.

*sigh* Can't even keep food in my house.

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Grrr.
Thursday. 5.24.07 2:09 pm
So, on a not so grumbly note, asshole jr. apologized, so any plans on "teaching him a lesson" have been dissolved. For now.

A&N (it seems no one knows what A&N is... go figure) is having a sale. Their swimsuits are on sale for 19.99.

I remembered seeing a swimsuit there that looked like it wouldn't make me look like a stuffed sausage.

Then I remembered her highness saying that I'm too fat for a swimsuit.

Sigh, what to do, what to do. I need/want a swimsuit... but if I go to A&N, her Queen of all that is Eating Disordered is going to want to come, and if I start thumbing through the swimsuits, she's going to start hemming and hawing, and going on about how I'm too fat.

Stupid woman.

It's a "3-day blowout", but it doesn't say when it starts. The circular says it ends the 27... 27-3 = 24... :p That's my argument. Yes, I know, day-long sales are inclusive, technically that's four days... hush.

We brought Stinkzilla out to my moms, because they wanted to tether him down/cage him during the day, which would have been horrible. I haven't seen him since. :/ We heard him out meowing last night.

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Teach me a lesson??? Ha.
Wednesday. 5.23.07 10:48 am
So the little asshole decides that I need to "learn my lesson," so he leaves the phone cord unplugged.

Oh noes, no internet access for half a day. I'm SO hurt.

Dumbass.

I don't know what sort of "lesson" he's trying to teach, but whatever it is, it's a shitty one.

And the tone in his voice? Oh, he's fucked. He wants me to "learn my lesson", but now it's going to be time for him to learn his...

Oh, and will he learn it.

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