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ARGH.
Tuesday. 5.29.07 9:14 pm
I swear, every time I come home, I realize that it's just about the worst place I can be.

I'm always stressed, feeling like I'm going to do something to seriously injure myself, and it's just not a positive place.

I hate it here, I've always hated it here, even before I left for college.

I should leave. Then maybe I won't be so upset all the time.

I mean, try to be a nice person while I'm at home, I try to get along with everyone, and I always get shit for it.

Always.

I can't look at someone, lest I'm glaring at them or rolling my eyes. I can't talk, lest I'm getting "smart". I CAN'T FUCKING EAT, LEST I BECOME MORE OF A FUCKING WHALE.

I CAN'T USE THE GODDAMNED LIGHTS FOR FIFTEEN FUCKING MINUTES, BECAUSE IT'S DARK OUT AND I WANT TO JUMP ROPE IN THE GARAGE BECAUSE IT'S COOL AFTER DARK.

GOD. FUCKING. FORBID. THAT I WANT TO EXERCISE, NOT DIE OF FUCKING HEAT STROKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN DAY, AND NOT GET KIDNAPPED BY SOME LOONY AT NIGHT.



GOD FUCKING FORBID I FUCKING LIVE.

Sometimes being at home makes me wish I were dead.

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*sigh*
Saturday. 5.26.07 5:52 pm
She asks why it is that I'm almost always mad when she's around.

...

That's a pretty stupid question, if you ask me. Then again, she's Ms. "I don't ever do anything wrong I don't see why you treat me the way you do." ::rolls eyes::

I can't so much as LOOK at anything edible without her making some sort of "ZOMG FAT!" comment.

Of course, then she tries to act like she was talking about something else.

Stupid woman.

We went to 7-11 today. I walk in, and my aunt begins to say that I should see Borat, because it'll "make me confident to wear anything, haha." I look at her and say "Well, It doesn't matter how confident I am or could be, it would be shot down in five seconds," and keep walking. She asked what I meant, but had I told her, she just would have told her majesty, and I'd have never heard the end of it.

So I was in 7-11, going to buy a strawberry steamer, because they're rather tasty, I don't have them that often, and I haven't had anything to eat today. I begin getting some steamed milk, to thin out the steamer (the strawberry is a bit thick), and of course, OF COURSE, her highness starts bitching about "ZOMG CALORIESZ!!!1". I pour out what I've got, and walk away, because I'm so fucking tired of her doing that. I can't even so much as LOOK at anything edible without her going on a tirade about "ZOMG UR TEH FAT A;OIJF;OWIENFAWIEFJ;!"

So then, of course, because she *can't* look so horrible in front of her sister, she starts going on about how "dirty" the machines are, and blahblahblah, trying to make it look like that was why she didn't want me to get it.

She always pulls bullshit like that. And then, she tries to go "well if you wanted it you could have gotten it", like she's trying to blame it on me that I didn't get something.

I think for the rest of the time I'm home, I'm not going to eat ANYTHING. At all.

Not like she'll care, she'll still call me fat, and whenever I get within 3 feet of anything edible, she'll bitch.

*sigh*.

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Maybe I'll stop eating.
Friday. 5.25.07 6:26 pm
It would make her highness happy, but that's not why.
I'd lose weight, but again, that's not why.

In the past... 3? months, I've bought food. Not a problem, nothing abnormal about that.

First, I get a chicken sandwich from Wendy's. It's raw.

Second, I get a box of 100 calorie cupcakes. I bought them at least two weeks before the sell-by date, and a week later, I go to eat one, and the remaining three packs were moldy. Glad I noticed the fuzz hanging off of it before I put it in my mouth.

Third, I bought a jar of fruit from The Great Satan.

You'd think, oh, well, I'm eating progressively healthier, there shouldn't be much wrong with it. Besides, it's a jar of fruit. What could possibly go wrong?

So I'm eating this jar of fruit. (I wish I had a camera.) Anyway. I'm eating this jar of fruit. and I see what looks like a stem floating about. Odd, I think, but it happens. Then I realize it's a weird looking stem. So I poke at it with my fork.

IT'S A GRUB/CATERPILLAR THINGY!!! Sure, people eat them all the time, and sure, it was tiny, but sheesh! I buy a jar of fruit, I don't want to see a grub floating about in it. It didn't fall in, because I was eating out of the jar. It wasn't on the fork, because I looked at the fork before I put it in. It started floating about after I stirred up the jar to get a cherry from the bottom. I thought maybe I was being weird, but i poked at it, some more, and saw it's head and it's four little legs that were black...

Now I'm too paranoid to eat the other jars, I think it's going to be something else that goes on my "Do Not Eat" list... *sigh*

Another reason I should probably give up eating: It seems whenever I'm home, I have food in a freezer. At my moms, someone (read: my grandpa, he's really the only person ever here) puts it in the fridge, even though it's freezer-only food, and there's plenty of room for it in the freezer.

At my dad's, someone eats it.

*sigh* Can't even keep food in my house.

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Grrr.
Thursday. 5.24.07 2:09 pm
So, on a not so grumbly note, asshole jr. apologized, so any plans on "teaching him a lesson" have been dissolved. For now.

A&N (it seems no one knows what A&N is... go figure) is having a sale. Their swimsuits are on sale for 19.99.

I remembered seeing a swimsuit there that looked like it wouldn't make me look like a stuffed sausage.

Then I remembered her highness saying that I'm too fat for a swimsuit.

Sigh, what to do, what to do. I need/want a swimsuit... but if I go to A&N, her Queen of all that is Eating Disordered is going to want to come, and if I start thumbing through the swimsuits, she's going to start hemming and hawing, and going on about how I'm too fat.

Stupid woman.

It's a "3-day blowout", but it doesn't say when it starts. The circular says it ends the 27... 27-3 = 24... :p That's my argument. Yes, I know, day-long sales are inclusive, technically that's four days... hush.

We brought Stinkzilla out to my moms, because they wanted to tether him down/cage him during the day, which would have been horrible. I haven't seen him since. :/ We heard him out meowing last night.

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Teach me a lesson??? Ha.
Wednesday. 5.23.07 10:48 am
So the little asshole decides that I need to "learn my lesson," so he leaves the phone cord unplugged.

Oh noes, no internet access for half a day. I'm SO hurt.

Dumbass.

I don't know what sort of "lesson" he's trying to teach, but whatever it is, it's a shitty one.

And the tone in his voice? Oh, he's fucked. He wants me to "learn my lesson", but now it's going to be time for him to learn his...

Oh, and will he learn it.

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Sheesh.
Tuesday. 5.22.07 4:12 pm
I swear, the more I stay here, the more I feel myself slipping back into a place I don't want to go.

I just kicked in my mom's door, because my little brother is being a fucking twat. Sometimes I just flat out hate him.

I was out shopping with the supermodel(aka my mother) yesterday, and I start thumbing through swimsuits. The queen of all that is anorexic/bulimic then goes on to start saying that I'm too fat for a swimsuit. WELL EXCUSE ME FOR FUCKING EATING, AND NOT THROWING IT THE FUCK UP.

My neighbor is complaining about my cat (that's not really mine, I've posted about this before... it's not mine, because I'm never there to take care of it, but yet, when it needs something, or causes trouble, it's mine. Go figure.) chasing the birds in her yard. He's a cat. A young cat, at that. He's going to chase birds. I don't know what the hell she expects him to do, sit around and have tea with him?

We could keep him in the house, but then King of all that is Whiney (aka my dad) would whine that zomg there's a cat in the house zomg blahblahblah WHINE!!!!

It shouldn't be that hard to move the birdfeeder so the cat can't jump to it. Fuck, I'll buy her a cat-proof bird feeder. I can't control what my cat does if I'm not there, and certainly not while he's outside.

I don't know why I keep saying he's "my" cat, given that when I want it to be my cat, I'm never there to take care of it, so there's no way it could be my cat.

Now she asks if there's somewhere I want to go or something I want to do.

I want to be the fuck away from here. FOREVER.

The more I stay here, the more I want to hurt myself. She volunteers me for things at times, because she said blahblahblah, so I should do it when she said I'd do it. Regardless of what the hell I'm doing for the day. When I say that I don't feel like doing it today, she bitches and bitches that she told so and so that I'd do it today. When I tell her that "I REALLY don't feel up to it today", SHE FUCKING ACCUSES ME OF WHINING!!!

She's trying to use the keys to get into my room... but I have both of them in here.

I try to be a good person, I try to do well by everyone, and whenever I'm home, it bites me in the ass. There's nothing I could do here that's good except for die.

Even then, people would bitch about it. They'd find a reason. It'd be my fault. It's ALWAYS my fault. No matter what. Someone could break into the house and kill me, it'd still be my fault. No matter what, it's my fault. I'm sure they can find a way to blame the shootings, Falwell's death, and any other "disaster" on me. (Falwell's death isn't really a disaster, but since they pretty much eat his shit as gold...)

She always tries to guilt me, she's "always been" " a loving mother", "supportive", other bullshit that's only halfway true. She only loves me if I've lost weight, and even then, that lasts for a day before she starts bitching that I'm fat. Sure, she's supportive financially, but other wise... no. She's always criticizing me, comparing what I do to other people... She's never really supportive.

But yet, I'm not allowed to get upset, lest I be moody. WHY THE HELL IS IT THAT I'M ALWAYS "MOODY"??? It can't be that someone's angered me, or they've just been plain awful, no, it's that I'm "moody".

I hate it here so much...

Of course, again, it's always my fault. They seem to think that they're not capable of upsetting me, always that it's someone else and that I'm "taking it out on them".

Such. Fucking. Bullshit.

They don't care, it's obvious, I wish they'd stop acting like they did.

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