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OF FUCKING COURSE!!!
Thursday. 6.7.07 11:42 pm
EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS MY FAULT!!!

Never because she's fucking insane.
Never because she's always belittling me.
Never because of whatever.

Nope. Always my fault.

Somehow I'm the insane one, that always twists things around.

Somehow it's because I'm "always on the computer," and "don't get enough sleep." (what the fuck else am I going to do here? It's not like I'm allowed to do anything) Never mind that when I'm at school, I get the same amount of sleep and spend the same amount of time on the computer. "Oh, you must be getting enough sleep and not 'playing' on the computer as much, you sound less stressed" I SOUND LESS STRESSED BECAUSE I'M NOT AT HOME!

Somehow, it's because I take what the people on the internet say "seriously." (Why the fuck would I care what some person I don't even know has to say?) I'm always crying when I'm online. Never when she's around, just when I'm online. How that works, I don't know. If I always cry when I'm online, then I must be online a lot... I mean, seriously. Why care what some loser on the internet says? They're not family. They're not the people that are supposed to care about me, love me, and all of that other stuff.

It's always my fault. ALWAYS.

She "only wants the best".

She "only is looking out for me".

Never because she starts shit, gets me upset, and then comes back to rub it in.

Never because I grew up always hearing I was fat.

Never because I grew up always being compared to anyone.

Never because I wasn't allowed to do anything.

Oh, now I'm fucking possessed.

Oh no, It's NEVER their fault. ALWAYS MINE.

Oh, now I can talk to her. I've never been able to talk to her, she's always pulled the negative out of whatever it was I was saying, and harped on it. ALWAYS.

I can talk to her, sure, and she won't ever shut up about whatever it is I talked about.

She says not to let others upset me. Other people don't upset me. Just her and her stupidity. I can't remember the last time someone that wasn't her upset me. Aside from that stupid teacher over the summer... but I don't care about him, because he's just a teacher. Who gives a shit about him.

I come home, I try to be happy, I try to be nice, I try to be polite and courteous, and I get treated like shit.

THEN IT'S ALWAYS MY FAULT!

I'm always the one that's insane, I'm always the one that's irrational, I'm always the one being ridiculous. Me.

I'm the one with demons that needs to be prayed for. Of course, it's always me.

It's my fault I'm can't go anywhere, and if I do, I can't go by myself or with friends.

It's my fault I'm fat.

It's my fault that I wanted to go to a good school.

It's my fault I didn't want to end up like everyone else in this dead-end piece of shit town.

It's my fault I want something for myself in life, and am trying to move on and not be like her.

It's my fault the house is falling apart. Yes, I'm always home and can fix anything! I can take apart the house, and reassemble it, down to the last molecule! With my hands! Blindfolded! While I'm in school, even!

It's my fault there are boxes of her shit around. I'm to blame that she can't file, and keep up with things. I'm the reason her car is so trashy. Yes, everything in her car belongs to me.

It's my fault that I was the first born, so when she set up all of her financial dealings, they were made POD to me. It's my fault that my brother was born 7 years after me, and she's been too lazy to go and have things switched over.

It's my fault she has so many bills. I didn't tell her to buy an extra house, a random building, chunks of property... She pays my tuition twice a year, and any "necessities" that I might need, like ink or phone time. It comes to be a decent amount, sure, but at the rate she's always complaining, I may as well drop out.

It's my fault she works so much. Sure, she's paying my tuition. I appreciate that, I do. Then all she does is bitch at me about everything! I go away to school, I come home, I get bitched at for my hair. My weight. My clothes. If it can be bitched about, it is.

It's my fault that I actually care enough to come home, even though I know I'll get shit, end up depressed, and not eat. Oh yes, I'm never home, ever, and I'm so horrible for wanting a summer job not in town. I can have a job doing her work.

It's my fault she never does her work. She has a "9 to 5", but takes off for hours at a time, going gallivanting about town. Then she bitches "ZOMG DON'T GO THAT WAY THEY MIGHT SEE ME." Then she bitches at me that I don't do her work, that she gets paid to do. She lets the house fall apart, but then bitches at me that it needs to be repaired.

It's my fault she compares me to everyone else. Why can't I have a job like Dave or Debi? Why do I have to go away for school? Why can't I be like so and so? Why can't I do this? Why can't I do that? I bet Dave does all the work his parents want him to do without leaving early. I bet so and so does this, I bet so and so does that. Even when I was younger "so and so's kid did this that and other". Oh, but wait, she's NEVER compared me to anyone. EVER. It's all in my head, I'm insane. Yes. That must be it. All in my head, crazy Jessica, always the victim. Always. Crazy Jessica, always upset, it's all her fault, she's making it up.

It's my fault that when I was little, she told me things like "Solitaire is the devil's game, you'll go to hell if you play it", or tried to scare me with "Do you want to be listening to that when Jesus comes?" Yes. She's not the cause of any of my problems at all. Nope. All my fault. Always. I'm the crazy one, I'm the one with problems.

It's my fault that they treated my brother like an angel. He gets away with murder. He won't go away, doesn't shut up, doesn't listen...doesn't get called fat for so much as looking at something edbile... but again it's all my fault, I'm the one that makes everyone look so bad in my eyes, I'm the one that plays the victim. I'm the horrible person. Yup, that's me. Jessica Horrible. The victim.

It's my fault that she says shit that upsets me. It's my fault that she says all of this ridiculous crap, and then tries to act like she's talking about someone else, or I misunderstood her. It's always my fault that she lies. That she is always so bitchy, and then comes to rub it in and won't go away. It's always my fault... I'm such a horrible person, I deserve to be so upset. I deserve to be in such a mood. Since it's all in my head, I deserve everything that I get. I'm such a horrible, awful person, obviously my life is horrid because of such. I'm the cause of all of my problems, always.

She says I don't have to put up with crap. I shouldn't be distressed and unhappy she says. God didn't want us to be unhappy. THEN WHY THE HELL DO I KEEP COMING HOME?! She keeps telling me "I'm above" whatever it is that causes me stress. She keeps blaming my problems on the computer and the internet. Never herself. Never anyone around here. Oh no. It's all in me. My fucked up head.

THEN SHE GOES ON SPOUTING RELIGIOUS BULLSHIT!!! To be so fucking religious, she sure is a fucking hypocrite. She's always been like that. I'm go great, I listen to gospel music! I'm so great, I "believe" in god! I'm so awesome, god fixes all of my problems! Then why the fuck is she such an awful person? No "god" would let anyone be like that.

She claims to be SOOOO supportive. Yeah, financially. I haven't talked to her about anything "serious" in years, because I don't trust her. I haven't hugged her in forever, because she disgusts me so. But yet, this is all my fault. Of course. She says I can talk to them about anything, but they never pay attention, and when they do, just to the negatives, which they never shut up about. Why should I talk to them?

She always claims to be sooo concerned. My dad calls. I don't feel like saying hi. I can't really talk right now. So she's telling him "I don't want to talk to him", like I'm the bad person. Like I'm mad at him or something. I'm not, I just can't talk right now, I've been crying that much. It's all in my head. Always. I'm just that horrible, awful a person.

All I want to know is what I've done to deserve this? That's all. Was it that I was born? If I die, will it stop? Or will they come to my grave everyday and continue to bitch at me? Would they be at my funeral, over my casket, bitching that I can't die, they have sooo much for me to do, their paperwork, house repairs, and other crap? I'm certain they would be. They wouldn't be sad at all, no, just upset, because I'm not here to be their mule.

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AUGH!
Thursday. 6.7.07 3:32 pm
I swear, this woman gets on my last nerve.

I may well be 10 instead of 22.

I mean, sheesh. I tell her I have plans for stuff, and she bitches about them.

I'm trying to leave a week early, because we're going to a wedding, and if Peter is coming too, it'd be easier to take my crap up a week earlier, come back, stay at a hotel, and leave from there.

She seems to have the idea stuck in her Falwellite head that we NEED to stay at the house for the wedding. Because she doesn't want me staying in a hotel with "them two," as she puts it (with disdain in her voice, fucking bitch).

Home is an hour away from the hotel. There's fucking NOTHING to do here. We have ONE dialup line. At least in the hotel, we'd be able to walk to places to do things, more than likely have wireless internet access should we want it, and it would be closer to the wedding.

It might also sound awful, but I don't particularly care for Peter to come to my house. I have my reasons.

Anyway. She refers to Dave and pet0r as "them two" like they're diseased or something. WTF. It's Dave and pet0r. I've known Dave since freshman year. Peter was the first person I met in college that didn't live on my hall. It's not like I'm calling her up and telling her I'm staying with two random people that she's never heard of, and I've never met. But yet she refers to them as "them two". Like I hang out with a bunch of thugs, drug addicts, rapists, and other people of questionable character.

I should just leave and do what I'm going to do. I'm 22, FFS, the only reason I even bother telling her of my plans is because she pays most of my bills, and because I stay at home, and they seem to get whiny if I don't tell them EXACTLY where I'm going and EXACTLY when I'll be back, and who I'm going with...

She bitches that I need a life, to stop sitting in the room all day. Well that the fuck else is there to do? I can't go anywhere with anyone. If I do go anywhere, I have to take my brother, or chauffeur her around while she bitches and carries on in the back seat... It's less stressful to stay in my room.

Then she goes on about how she doesn't want me to leave early. She has work for me to do (that she'll bitch about, and I won't ever see). I need to tear down the house and rebuild it to the exact molecular placement with my bare hands. I need to do crap that she's had months to get done, but waits for me to come home so she can bitch at me to do it. Last I checked, my name wasn't Bob Villa, Tim Taylor, or that other handyman person with a show.

She doesn't want me to go because she "needs" me to take a three hour trip with her. She doesn't "need" me to go with her. She's made bigger trips by herself. Last I checked, she wasn't 17, going to a place that's an hour away. She doesn't need me to hold her hand whenever she's in the damn car. There are plenty of people who wouldn't mind going. My aunt and grandma always like taking trips places. Why can't they go? My brother hardly ever gets to go anywhere. Why can't he go?

She needs to fucking grow up, and she needs to back the fuck off and let me live my life for myself. It's the only way I'm going to learn anything. Otherwise, I may as well drop out of school, break up with Dave, go fuck everyone in the town and have 7 kids by 15 men, and catch every STD known to man. Oh, I forgot, I'd have to go to the local black college for business, drop out, and get a shitty job at the local asylum or something like that.

She's trying to pull the same shit she always pulls. I'm tired of it. Last time I was leaving a few days early, she decides that I should get my hair done the day we're supposed to leave, and also cancel my dentist appointment for that day. When I call her to tell her my hair is done and I can make the appointment, she doesn't answer the fucking phone. So I had to have Dave drive through the ghetto to pick me up and speed over to the dentist. I get there and find out that she's canceled the appointment, and I'd made it there no more than 5 minutes after the start. Then she tries to go on about oh, well Dave can go back without me, or they can take me back, or I can wait until Friday, bullshitbullshitbullshit. It's bad enough that we stayed a day longer than we wanted to, just to appease her, but then she says he can go back without me? He drove four fucking hours just to get me, what kind of inconsiderate bitch is she to tell him to go back without me?

I just love being home, so much. You can always tell when I'm here, because I have such long posts full of how I hate myself, my life, home, and all that entails. *shit-eating grin*

Of course, then she comes by to rub in her bitchiness. ::rolls eyes::

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Haven't made one of these in a while.
Monday. 6.4.07 3:35 pm
I haven't made a link-o-matic post in a while... so now I will.

Top 10 reasons why sex is financially rewarding Cute list, especially the #1 reason, for people with kids... Granted, I have no kids, but it's still funny.

Top Five Tower Defense games Everyone loves tower defense games... I think there's a "beat dave and get a ton of PPS" thread in the forum for one, as well.

Has anyone seen the 2012 olympics logo? It's ugly. :/

Oooh, See-through Transistors! Niftykeen.

This is a cool photo-essay about What the world eats It shows you different families from around the world, and talks about their weekly food expenditures. It's interesting how a lot of the Westernized countries have so much soda and fast food...

Hokay, I are done.

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Update!
Sunday. 6.3.07 7:04 pm
I managed to get it off. I swear, I can't do anything without someone hovering.

*sigh*

Anyway. A zip tie, is a piece of plastic that can only really move in one direction. They're used for closing trashbags, tying cables together, blahblahblah.

It pisses me off about my mom how she has no qualms about eating in public. To have the disorders she does, you'd think she wouldn't eat in public. She's so gross about it. :/

I mean, there's nothing wrong with eating in public, I always feel exceedingly self conscious about it, but she's like I was that day I had the candy apple in the mall... WITH EVERYTHING! :/

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Funny, but not.
Sunday. 6.3.07 2:02 pm
My genius brother has managed to get one of those gargantuan zip-ties around his waist as a belt... now he can't get it off.

I'm amused by this, but at the same time I feel bad for him. I explained to him how to get it off, hopefully he'll figure it out.

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The more I stay here...
Thursday. 5.31.07 7:14 pm
The more I hate it.

I can't do SHIT in my own house without my grandpa bitching.

IT'S NOT EVEN HIS HOUSE!

I take a shower, he bitches. Apparently there's some sort of leak into the yard. He accuses us of "running water".

What, we're not supposed to flush the damn toilet? Take a shower? Wash our hands?

I feed the cat. He bitches, he doesn't want another cat. NO ONE ASKED HIM TO TAKE CARE OF IT! It's here because my neighbors bitched at my dad's, and here's a better place for him to be. I understand he doesn't want plates all over the yard. Maybe if he weren't such a fucking asshole, I wouldn't have assumed that he was being an old bitch and throwing the plates out every day.

I drop something or knock something over. He bitches. This is why I've hated staying in my room for so long. I stay in it now, and just don't move around. I sit on the bed all day.

I do this. He bitches.

I do that. He bitches.

I put freezer food in the freezer. I leave plenty of space for whatever the hell it is he needs. He puts my stuff in the fridge, and it spoils.

I have a stereo that I almost never use, because ZOMG IT ARE LAUWD or other idiocy that might happen.

I get told, "oh, ignore him", or the best "respect him, because he's old".

OLD PEOPLE DON'T DESERVE RESPECT UNLESS THEY'VE DONE SOMETHING RESPECTABLE. MANAGING TO NOT DIE IS NOT CAUSE TO BE RESPECTED.

I really should leave next weekend. Else I'm going to do something I regret.

If I stay at my dad's, I'll be miserable and bored. I'll get bitched at for god knows what that I didn't do.

If I stay at my moms, I'll be miserable and bored. I'll get bitched at for fucking being alive.

Somedays I wonder if I should just do something to myself so I don't have to be here... but then I realize that I'd get bitched at for that too.

I'm going to get bitched at over retarded shit no matter what. All I have to do is fucking look at someone the wrong way.

Most everyone has been telling me to get out, it's not a good place for me to be. It's never been a good place for me to be, and now that I've been away, I realize it.

Random people on forums: "You've totally reverted to the I-hate-myself-and-no-one-could-ever-love-me-or-find-me-attractive-or-want-anythi ng-to-do-with-me Ikima that you were before you met Dave and started to be happy with life.

Get out before you're full of depression and self-loathing again. "

People on NuTang.

Of course my family would bitch that "zomg you're never here stay and do all of our shit for us". Or "zomg it's sooo far away blahblahblah *whine*". Or "I don't see why you're leaving we're not that bad". It's all fucking bullshit. I have no reason to lie about any of them.

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