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catharsis
Sunday. 3.24.13 2:19 pm

I wake up to sounds of the ocean...the water rushing against the sides of the house, the waves making soft, gentle sounds. I wake up and think I must be at the beach--that, at some point, I entered a long and realistic dream that I didn't even notice.

Can't be.


This morning, the ocean came to me.

Flooding is always kind of daunting, but it happens too often, here, to be a terrifying affair. Sometimes, I find myself wishing I had a kayak, during the worst times, but...generally, it's okay. You get to enjoy living in a waterfront, for a few hours. All the plants look healthier, afterward.


I dreamt about Mike, for the first time. It was flooding in my dream, too, and he was helping me with a garden. He said, "I don't want to do this, anymore," and I just told him I was keeping the dog and that he would have to move out. I prefer that ending to what really happened, since, in this ending, I get a dog out of it and probably am still able to think of him fondly. I hate when things end badly. I hate when someone treats me so poorly that I can't like them as a person, anymore.

I'm not so much sad for myself as I am about the situation as a whole. It's a shame. My friend with a very distinct name and I were talking, the other night, and he asked how I was, and this was my conclusion: I'm a lot better than I was, because now I'm not really looking at my problems from an emotional point of view, so much as I'm looking at them as...problems from my past that now create present distance between two people who could have had a great friendship. I still think about the monster, sometimes, but now it's more like cleaning up the stadium after the Superbowl. How did I really feel about him? Is it really better that we aren't talking? Is he taking it too far by avoiding even looking at me?

I think I did like him, but that maybe it was more like having romantic feelings for a shadow of a person. Sure, there were present things about him that made me care so much, but...I think, somewhere deep inside me, we were still strolling around on a sunny day with our fingers laced together. And that wasn't him, anymore. I don't even know if it was me, anymore. Maybe not. I think we diverged, somewhere, but it was a difficult thing to admit. And, I think I was right to begin with--that it's best that we don't talk. Maybe never again. Maybe just at group events, and nothing substantial. Maybe it's even better that we aren't making eye contact. I feel like we're two magnets that can be held towards each other at a great distance, but, get them just a sliver too close, and they spring together before you can think about it.

And that is no way to live.

I'm cleaning it all up.

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remember that entry when I mentioned that I'm oddly attracted to bio majors
Thursday. 3.21.13 10:18 pm

He has adorable freckles and blushes when the manager asks him if the girl in the picture with him is his girlfriend. Just friends, he says, genuinely.

Quiet, well-spoken, observant. Immediately I'm attracted to him.

Wouldn't it be funny...

"What major are you?" Him.

"Spanish."

"EspaƱol," he responds.

Yyep so...

"What's yours?"

He asks me to guess.

No I don't like this game. Because I think I already know, because it's always the same thing, regardless of what college they go to or what they look like or how they dress--

"Give me a category."

"Sciences."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GO AWAY

"Biology major, pre-med concentration." I say with no anticipation.

"You would be correct."

OF COURSE I AM.

FUTURE DOCTORS ARE LIKE GIANT PIECES OF FLY PAPER.

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If you want to know why my entries come late at night:
Tuesday. 3.19.13 11:42 pm
Clarification: Two presidents, two different organizations. A, K.

9:30

Maybe just till ten.

Realize that there's no time, tomorrow, to make bread for bake sale; consider e-mailing president (K) and asking if I can't bring it at the time of the sale. Realize I don't want to go to that trouble. Set out ingredients, mix dry, read over recipe once more, and hatch a plan to get it in the oven by 6:20am and frosted by 7:40. Will carry it around campus till 2pm, when I can set it in the office and reheat the lunch I left in the fridge.

Smile when considering the fantastic lunch I'll have tomorrow.

Make a smoothie for tomorrow morning in anticipation for the hard shift I forgot to not look forward to.

Drink the remnants of the smoothie in the blender. Other half of dinner.

Delicious.

Proceed to cook beans so sandwiches are already half made. Drain, cool, pack. Fill out scholarship applications. Frown, because I never win scholarships.

Frown, because I'm already a junior and no one wants to give a junior a scholarship.

10:30

Just a few more minutes.

An e-mail from the president (A) asking me to create fliers, send an announcement e-mail to our school activities system (which sends out a mass e-mail with everything to do on campus), create a Facebook post, and do whatever else I like.

Okay.

Glance over fliers. Write Facebook post but save till tomorrow. Write e-mail and send right away with a polite "Please" to get the event high on the activities list. Hatch a plan for revised fliers and wonder about gluing label-free pill bottles with slips of paper promoting our Facebook to our fliers.

Choose not to mention the past part in my reply, since I'm still thinking it over. Imagine it might come off as weird...but also think it might be just inventive and catchy enough to work.

Update Facebook group, announce our transition to pages, Like the new page, ask about adding other executive members to the administrative level on the page--don't expect a reply tonight.

Smile.

They hired the right person.

10:45

Realize it's been a month since an e-mail about my California trip graced my inbox. Haven't replied. Take time to research events, take interest in giant science academy, note that, and ask if surfing is burdensome. Take time to talk about father quitting smoking, weather, other happy things.

Lots of love,

Sent.

11:30

Shoot.

Download photos K sent for recent event. Crop out the ass of someone who didn't realize how translucent her yoga pants were. Mentally nickname her Miss Booty and complain about her throughout photo editing process. Add light, darken shadows. Crop. Straighten. Cuss at whoever took these. Crop. No one wants a photo composed mostly of grass and sky. Who are you. I'll find you and teach you photography. Menace to society, crop, straighten.

Finally upload photos. Remind members to tag themselves.

Wash dishes, pack backpack. Pack warm weather shoes for after work.

Wonder how I'm alive.

00:00

Wednesday.

Get e-mail response from A. Apparently am rocking her socks. Cackle gleefully at own job well done.

Take a moment to brag.

12:10

Another e-mail from A's club. Check calendar and reply with availability.

Hardly ever available, anymore. Constantly have to choose date and time for dates and social appointments, now, because people otherwise think I'm trying to get out of it by always saying I have plans. Hope someone will try planning something in June. Not much to do in June.

Set alarm for 5:50.

Pass out.

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flowers come after the storm
Sunday. 3.17.13 3:14 pm
also some casual language??



BOOM GOES THE FRIENDSHIP.

Let's take it from the top.

New York Dude was on Spring Break, right? And he decided he wanted to come down to Charleston for a day, which made me super skeptical, because it kind of felt like he was just trying to see me?

But anyway, I told him that was neat, and he asked if I wanted to do something. I told him to let me know what he was doing, and I'd let him know if I had time. But, I also told him I had a kayaking retreat, and that I might be too busy, so I would just catch up with him whenever afterward.

That was that.

So, yesterday was his day down here. He called at eight and told me he was headed towards downtown, which was a problem, because I wasn't ready at all. Kayaking is exhausting, and I spent most of my afternoon getting myself home and eating sandwiches to get my calorie count back up.

I told him I wasn't ready. He said fine, he might go grab a beer somewhere while he waited.

So I got there, about forty minutes later, and he'd decided to SIT IN HIS CAR AND WAIT FOR ME. I figured he'd gone to a bar and was happy to waste some time there, based on what he himself had said.

Whatever floats your boat, though, right?

So we grabbed food at my favorite local coffee shop, and sat out on the patio for an hour and a half or so. It was fine. I didn't feel anything towards him, but it was good to see a friend, and I hoped that was good enough for him, too, since he said it would be.

What I've learned from myself in messy situations such as these, though, is that people lie. Mostly in the hope that this lie might hold onto someone a little longer.

But you aren't holding onto someone in the first place, if you have to lie. That's what I learned from this particular situation.

He confronted me via text, once he got home. He seemed pretty level-headed, so I told him most of the truth. I don't think maybe people are brave enough to come out and say, "My feelings have changed," but I tried to be as honest as possible about the situation.

And I guess that opened all sorts of new doors for him. He took the same approach I used to use, of asking questions in order to get closure--which doesn't work, by the way, as long as someone is in your life. At least, finding peace with everything that happened doesn't, which is something entirely different...and also entirely more useful.

I answered them as well as I could, but I think he was just waiting for me to tell him the truth, just like I was always waiting. I don't like you anymore.

As much as my reasons were SO apart from that, he just wanted to hear it. And I get that. As much as it sucks, you just want to know, one way or another, and having someone avoid that tiny but enormous kindness is just...ugh.

I empathize. I do.

It's just a bad place to be. I told him this was casual so we wouldn't ever have to have this talk, forgetting completely about my own past disappointments in that area. They call these situations messy for a reason.

From now on, I'm just going to reject people who want something unofficial. And I'm not going to suggest that life, either. There's this website called Unfuck Your Habitat, which I've been following to see if I can't be a bit neater, but I think the problem is that I need to unfuck my life.


I hate when people are supportive of decisions like these, though, because I know a lot of my friends have been waiting for me to say all this for a long time. You have to let people make their own mistakes and learn these things on their own. It isn't going to stick if someone else tells you it's best--you have to go through it all and know for sure that it's true. Everything I've done, I've done because I haven't yet learned that it's best not to. Encouragement and discouragement, as sweet as they sometimes are, are like weapons with things like these. So please keep that in mind, when reading and responding to this. I did it all on purpose, and this was the only path I ever should have taken to figuring all this out.

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