I don't know what to say.

Or I do, but I don't want to.

And I have the feeling that it's what some people really wanna hear.

And I kinda just wanna slap myself and go to bed right now so I can toss and turn for a few hours.

[And I want to cry but I don't cry very often so that would kind of be an awkward moment between my outside self and the soul I currently possess. It always is. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe I'm schizophrenic. Maybe there are two conflicting, crazy people in me who feel weird seeing each other cry. That would explain it.]

Clear my mind. I need that. And writing about it won't work, because there's nowhere private enough.

[I'm probably not even private enough as a whole, so why am I bothering to hide? I don't hide.]

And it's not helping that I have people talking to me. I don't mind Logan, because he's just my best friend and nothing more, and he knows he's not gonna BE anything more, so he isn't trying anything.

But. Ugh. He-Who-I-Shant-Mention-So-Often-Anymore is, frankly, pissing me off. He's prying where he isn't meant to pry, then getting mad when I won't give him the answers he wants, and I'm just like, AGH.

GET OVER IT!

[In other words, I mind Kevin.]

So, we're just gonna be friends. And that's all. And I hope he can accept that, especially since I haven't really said anything otherwise, truly.

I just...don't...feel anything there.

[Nothing more than friendship. Seriously.]

And Logan was at the party, tonight, and I didn't feel anything there, either. Just best friendship.

[Nine months to figure this out.]

And the need to be a bitch. I felt that, too.

But I held that tight and resisted. I'm trying to get better at not being an asshole.

And I think because of that I'm pretty proud, even though in other ways, tonight made me feel even worse about who I've become.

[-sigh- My friend. I'm always jealous of something, just more than willing to hide it.]

And he's all right with just being friends and no more. I didn't even bring it up, actually. He just knew, I think, somehow. I think this is him, stepping aside.

[This is the one I said I wouldn't mention a whole lot, in case you're lost.]

He was never a contender.

He doesn't have my mum's approval; she already thinks we were doing wrong things, so of course she won't like an Us, so lucky for her.

And she adores...

[Well, let's think this out.]

What the fuck is a bird doing chirping.

GO TO SLEEP, WEIRD BIRD.


[EDIT]


My dad called, Friday. He has to stay in Germany for another week or so. He had to go from seeing his mum for the last time to an extended stay in a different country. He's been trying so hard to get support from me. He doesn't have his son, he doesn't have his wife.

I can't imagine how lonely he must feel.

He sure as hell is going to have his daughter by his side. I don't care how often he leaves me to deal on my own, or how often he hurts me, or...whatever.

I'm not fucking leaving him.

Dad, I'm here.


Oh, and the bird stopped chirping.


Smart bird. =.=

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o.o;;

Oh no. OHHHHHHH NOOOOOO.

I have to say. I, like, hate love triangles. Hate them. You know why? Because it all has to be really strong emotion.

And this is worse!

It's a freaking SQUARE.

T.T

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So, I was reading the latest entry by AmbyrJayde, like I'm sure many of you already have, when I realized that I do have a point which is...well, kind of on-topic.

I go to a high school where the population is about half black, half caucasian. And you'd think that would be cool, because it shows how far we've come in society--to a place where there's truly a balance within public schooling and other settings, as far as black people and white people are concerned.

However--although I want to make it very clear that I realize the black community has gone through serious trials and still see the repercussions today--there is still an offset, but not in the direction you'd think.

I haven't very often heard any racist comments from any of the white kids at school. There are a select few who do tend to offend as such, but...most of what I hear in response to innocent commentary is simply upsetting.

Instead of the black people having racism used against them...it has been used against me, and at least a few others I know. The world is so sensitive towards black people that now anything any other race could say about black people is considered "racist," even though what I've heard is moreso an attack on a person, not a race.

And it's disgusting, how this has turned into such a touchy subject. Not everyone is going to like what I have to say, but I know I have reason, because seeing a white kid get called "cracker" isn't right, period. It's not right when people of the same race are able to call each other "the n word" (which I seriously am not comfortable using in an argument, even, sorry if that seems immature), because where's the line then? Where does the term turn into something that doesn't degrade, and doesn't hurt, and should there really be a line? It's not a good word. Words like this...they're tabooed by society with reason.

...And it's not right when I have to watch people yell at others just because they don't think we're also taking racist shit all the time. White people ARE discriminated against. I have no problem with celebrating holidays within, mainly for, or caused by the black community. It's fine, because I realize that holidays are there for a reason.

I don't have a problem with people teaching what kids need to know. Discrimination is a bad thing to do. We need to know the mistakes of those who came before us, and how those mistakes were overcome. We need to give people a chance to celebrate who they are.

So, no. I'm not proud to be white. I think that's stupid. Why should I be proud to be something a blind person wouldn't be able to fully grasp? Nah. I'm proud to be Irish. We had a struggle when we first came to America, and even before then! And I'm proud to be Native American. They were massacred and traded in for nothing more than slaves to the English, right up until they lost value. The culture is amazing. I'm proud to be German, DESPITE Nazism, because the culture aside from that terrible ordeal is so interesting. I'm proud to be French (I don't know what the hell happened to the French. o.o;;)! I'm proud to be English!

I'm proud because of where my people have been, and what they went through to give me a better life. I'm proud because of the strength they had, and the culture I inherited, and all the little pieces that came together in my puzzle.

And so at the same time, I think that's as far as black pride should have to go. We're all just shades of tan. What's the difference? What makes one culture go beyond regular pride?

I have to question this. And I know there's a difference because there's still a struggle.

And yet. It seems as though there have been boundaries overstepped on both sides.

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UGH.

I so wish I could hate him, right now. ARGH. AHH. JEEZ.

And even moreso I wish I could write what I'm thinking, but I won't, because that would be stupid.

So I'll simply say...

It was good to spend time with Britney. :) She came over kind of semi-unexpectedly, because I didn't get her text telling me she was heading over. So, of course, I was still in my sleep clothes (loose button-down and some boxers--boy clothes are so comfy) and glasses. x.x We made a pretty big lunch (a bunch of my special noodles (but not drugged like the word "special" is making it sound) a quesadilla, brownies, and...well, that's it, actually) and ate that while watching the last part of Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story and taking a bunch of little pictures.

Then we went upstairs. She looked through my pictures and helped me on a little project, then decided we should go swimming. We decided to call Kevin, Meagan, and Manal, because they're all rad.

Today was the first day Kevin and I really...I dunno. Clicked as more than just two people or friends. We're getting to the point where we're clicking like a straight boy and a straight girl do. His singing makes me calm down and I can feel the vibration of sound in my ears, but only with him, it seems, during song. Otherwise, there are certain voices which, while speaking, can do it.

In other words...his voice. It's nice, and deep, and soft. :)

And...I dunno. It was weird, when we were alone in the pool, and my friends were at a distance, and he just plopped me onto his lap and held me there. It was...cute. Nice. Pleasant. Not...thrilling. I mean, I didn't get the butterflies and the giggle snorts. To be blatantly honest, he reminds me quite a lot of Logan. I can't...eh. They were both kind of afraid of me, in a way. Like, I always got my way.

I don't like getting my way all the time.

You have to get me pissed at you to really have my respect, I guess. Anyone who can make me mad deserves a spot in my line of friends.

It all goes back to confidence.

Although...

Kevin is kinda like, Fuck all the other guys and be with me for real. I'll treat you right.

And on one side, I'm kinda like, Hmmm, that sounds good. Someone stable with the ability to be there when I need him to be, no matter what. Someone tender, and sweet, and good with my friends and others, but still able to demand what he needs...

But then...

It's...I'm...

I just don't feel the click. No butterflies. No grinning after talking. No happiness after a reconciliation after a fight, or even just after seeing the person...you know what I'm talking about. Or, I hope so.

...I just feel normal, right now, and I spent four hours half-naked in a pool with him.

It's...well.

There's nothing I can do about this. I still like him, just not enough to be in a committed relationship.

Bah! :)




(2:17:16 AM) Kagrbo: I kinda...wanna ask...
(2:17:27 AM) Kagrbo: If you've ever been high around me.
(2:17:34 AM) Kevin: Never.
(2:17:50 AM) Kagrbo: ...I'm glad.
(2:17:56 AM) Kevin: *nod*
(2:18:11 AM) Kevin: I know there's time when you've prolly questioned it.
(2:18:14 AM) Kevin: But no.
(2:18:19 AM) Kevin: And I dont plan on being so.
(2:18:30 AM) Kevin: Ever.

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All right. I admit, I haven't been fair. (Yeah, this is about Kevin again, because I'm all torn apart by these guys.) I haven't really given Kevin a chance, because I'm a closed-minded bitch, yadda yadda whatever.

Am now.

He totally admitted that he told his friends about me, which is sweet in the first place. We have now been talking for 13 hours straight, which gets him even more points for keeping my attention span. Furthermore, he's been so nice and gets along with my friends.

So nothing should be wrong. :) I'm gonna meet his friends and be the girl he probably wants more with.

I hate that he wants a real relationship. It's weird. I didn't understand that he'd think of me like that until the other day. And so I guess that's how it's going to be. Hmm.

He's going to help me re-learn guitar. And then we'll probably have that moment where he scoots closer to show me how exactly to play a fret, and his hand will go over mine to guide my fingers, and then I'll look up and we'll kiss. I can already tell. He's the type of guy to get taken over by these things, because he likes girls who play guitar, and ride motorcycles, and get random cool body art.

Which is also something I didn't peg him for.

See...okay. Kevin's the guy who wears all the preppy clothes (Aeropostale, American Eagle, Hollister, et cetera). He's on the soccer team. He...OMG, HE WEARS SPERRY SHOES.



x.x Which are so outside my style it isn't even funny. NOT EVEN FUNNY, GUYS.

So, it should be obvious by all this, including the history of drug and alcohol use, that I do not easily approve. I'm the girl who wears red Chucks and a random black tee. I don't...agh. It's not easy to understand why we're interested in each other when we're from different worlds. And most nerds tend to not like preps a lot, and quite a few preps tend to put nerds down randomly. So.

This isn't normal. Sorry, it's not.

But I'm going to a different school and I'm gonna like him relentless. So, what the hell. Nerdy artist meets preppy soccer-player. We can work it out.

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Today's one of those days. The bad ones, where everything seems wrong. Mum doesn't trust me still from one mistake I made, a few months back, and it's just...impossible. I wouldn't have done it if I'd known ahead of time how long I'd have to pay for this.

She doesn't trust me with anyone. She thinks every boy I know, I have sex with. She thinks they're here when she isn't, and that we do things I wouldn't DO, because I have a system of morals, and that's something I'm fo rizzle against.

It is NOT COOL to stereotype me like this. I KNOW I screwed up. I KNOW I need to win back her trust.

But you'd think that would already be done. It's been months. I haven't done anything stupid [that she knows about] since. And it's just been terrible trying to clear my name, because she makes all these assumptions that I'm doing something behind her back again, and then she deems them true because I seem nervous or show signs or whatever, so then I get in trouble for nothing.

Know why I'm nervous, Mum? Because I know I'm going to get in trouble and I'm trying to think of exactly what I need to say. YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE.

Yeah, anyway.

Yesterday.

Kevin and I went to Cherry Park. And it just sucked. I mean, it was nice being with him and having time to laugh and hang out. But. Everywhere I looked, there was another memory. The walking path. The rock in front of the playground. The place where my smelly blue polka dot blanket once was. It was all just as I'd remembered but so much worse because it was cloudy and he isn't someone who I can actually see myself with, long-term, and I couldn't help but let it slide into my mind how happy I was back when the park was sunny.

Even though I wasn't happy in general. I don't really know if I ever am. Yeah, I guess so.

Haven't been, lately.

I just need ooouuuttt.

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