lots of words then yelling then parenthetical happiness
Wednesday. 2.22.12 12:52 am
Funny I should mention that particular shirt, in the last entry.
My life is really busy. I have two jobs, I volunteer once a week, and I'm taking on eighteen hours per semester...and that still probably isn't enough to get me out of undergrad on time. I'm constantly learning one semester ahead so that, when it starts to get really, really hard, I at least have some sort of knowledge basis. My tumblr dashboard is composed of a couple of friends' pages and several medical tumblr pages, with sketches of tendons, bones, and vessels, and links to old medical books about malformed hearts and other oddities (which I download and consume on a regular basis). I read psychology magazines in my spare time, and probably average five hours per night on sleep. I work out two hours, six days per week, and love to read Japanese literature, as of late.
The point of all this, my dears, is that I don't have a terribly large amount of time for...well...people. So I kind of wish that there was this awesome type of relationship where I could NOT talk to the guy for weeks--sometimes months--and still come right back to where we left off. THAT, for some reason, IS MY IDEAL.
...Probably because it always works for me! I wander back when I need the extra cuddling and romance...then I wander away again! Very easy concept, don't understand why barely anyone else wants this. Of course there are conversations in between, but I just don't...NEED more than that.
Sure, okay, fine, the idea of coming home each night and crawling into bed with someone else is...nice-sounding. It sounds nice. Nice it sounds, as Yoda would say. But just...
I feel so limited in my own ability to go out into the world, when I have someone else attached to me. I hardly enjoyed Italy at all, when I went, because I was in a relationship with someone and was constantly worrying about his feelings and keeping in touch with him. I hardly enjoy conversations with the same person, if they're so regular, too...it doesn't matter who it is. I see their patterns of speech and start to expect the responses, and it just drives me to insanity, after a while (the problem with a photographic memory--if our main mode of communication is text, I remember everything they've ever sent, and statistics start to reveal themselves; it even bothers me to read my own writing).
So either someone needs to learn to keep up with me and kind of come and go as he pleases, too, or I need to learn to deal with anchors on this particular boat.
--Because, let's be honest, I'm out at sea in every sense of the phrase.
--Just...now is not the time for any sort of emotional connections. Now is not the time to start having feelings. The time now is not.
...SO DON'T LET YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDS CALL YOU "MY BOY." NOT EVEN WHEN THEY'VE BEEN DRINKING.
(I told my dad I declared psychology with a pre-health major, tonight, everyone, and he surprised me. His whole face lit up. He and I talked for hours about the medical field and psychology/psychiatry as they are today. I'm so thrilled.)
Monday. 2.13.12 1:31 am
"You can't come back expecting people to be the same as you left them," I told him, my left hand playing with the collar of his blue button-down. In his state, he didn't realize the darkness of my statement. On the surface, we were both talking about my lack of expectation, coming back to him; beneath, I was excusing myself from the changes he'd failed to notice in me.
I was told that I was "just glowing," tonight.
There were a few weeks when I was a wreck. No one knew how to help me, which really sucked, because I did need to be fixed.
(It wasn't over a certain person, in case anyone out there reading this is someone I know personally. That was 1) an expected and quite planned explosion, and 2) easy to get past, since I wasn't attached (regrettably, perhaps).)
(But I was kind of sad, for a couple of days, over that particularly.)
I had a small support system, mostly consisting of a fairly new friend--Ben--who knew just what to say and how to react. I don't know what I would have done, had he not been ten minutes away. We're very platonic, but do end up inevitably spending a lot of time together.
So he spent a lot of time talking some sanity back into me.
--Also, he introduced me to a really good grilled cheese sandwich vendor.
Anyway. The point, here, is that I ended up pulling myself back over the edge of this giant, crazy cliff, albeit not without a good amount of help. I think the thing that really did it was realizing that I owned my life and my actions. It's a big responsibility, but at the same time very empowering.
Being so low, too, made me really see the good in little victories and moments. I stopped being so scared to try at things, which is how I beat my personal running record and started using the weight machines as much as any guy in the gym. If I keep going as much as I have been, I'll have a six pack by junior year.
A visible one.
On that same thread, I stopped expecting immediate results. Something about leaving facebook, instant messaging, and most texting made me expect a lot less to come instantly and without effort. (I write my close friends letters, now, and sometimes we talk on the phone for a few hours. It makes me feel much closer to them.) Now, I notice the slight increase in the firmness of my calves, and that's a huge victory. Even the ache in my upper back is a promising result. Nothing comes overnight--which is something I knew, on the surface, but never took to heart.
It's a shame that it took so long, but I'm just so excited for my day, tomorrow, even though it's going to be the most insane, busy day I've had all year. I still feel like a kid waiting for Santa, because I'm excited to see it all pay off, in a few weeks, whether it be through a paycheck (I'm currently working two jobs) or a good grade. I'm also very, very excited to go exercise, after getting off from my second shift.
I'm completely broke, and it doesn't matter at all.
encounters of the platonic variety
Sunday. 2.5.12 10:14 pm
Grabbing dinner; swinging on a porch swing, on a dock overlooking the ocean; walking to buy ice cream and eating it on the way to the dorm; laying together, in my tiny twin XL bed, in the dark, without a single uncomfortable silence.
When I put it like that, it sounds like a date.
The three of us had a lot of fun, though. :D
I woke up at noon, six hours after checking them back out of the res. hall, to a beautiful bell tower of the church where I tutor kids once a week. They say I have an amazing view.
Well, I had to make sure the view matched the life, right?
Thursday. 2.2.12 1:42 am
I'm making two lists. One will be all the big things I want and don't want out of life, whether they be what I want from myself or with what I want to find myself involved. The other will be short-term goals.
Big lists. I just never gave myself much thought, and now it's in hyperdrive. Being single is nice. Being single is REALLY nice. A relationship with the right person is, too, but I always notice that I stop thinking so much about my own direction.
And relationships end. They just do. Especially when you're still in college. So I like being single. It's...stable.
Can I just mention that I smell really great, right now? I only shower four times a week, give or take, but I just climbed out of the shower and actually opted to use lotion...I'm sitting here, taking a break from studying, just enjoying my own delicious-smelling presence.
Let's be honest. Showering every single day sucks. AND, ON TOP OF THAT, it's not so hot for your hair.
But hey, if you're going to destress and pamper yourself for a night...a good hot shower and freshly-laundered boxers is the way to go.
Now I just need to find someone good at back massages.
Oh and PS it's been around seventy degrees, down here, for the past couple of weeks, with an exception or two. That means tree climbing and enjoying the ocean breeze, after class.
Ahhhhhhh. No wonder we all walk like we're on island time.
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