I fought the urge

So hard

Not to just

B
r e
a
k

d
o
w n


But I think I am, anyway.

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Seth got on me about my friendship with Sarah, tonight...that was kind of crossing a line, too. It wasn't his business, but he insisted upon it, anyway.

I'm trying, you know? I'm trying to make things better, but we'll never be the same, and I'm aware of that. It isn't that we don't like each other--I love her like a sister--it's just that we're changing. She isn't so loyal, anymore, and that kind of hurts.

I guess it's just hard to mold ashes back into a full piece of paper.


The bruise Will gave me on my elbow is aching nonstop, and he's kind of being an asshole about it. It'd at least be nice if he'd really said sorry and not tried to wipe spit on me again RIGHT AFTERWARDS. Because my elbow hurts. :[ Sarah says the bone is bruised. Agh.


Anyway. It's really nice outside. Even now, I'm betting I could go out in something for temperate weather and feel all right. The days have been generally sunny with some clouds. It's nice to feel the sun again. It's also nice to not have to stare at it through my eyelids to get my daily fix of happiness, haha. We all have our diseases, you know? Everything, these days, is an ailment.

I usually have pretty neat ones. :D Even my illnesses are unique and quirky! Ohoho!

Trying to not talk about what's making me frustrated, right now.

So I'll talk some about my classes.

Today, in first period, all we did was test. First it was a big test on all the elements up through period seven on the periodic table (I think I probably got in the 90s, if not a perfect score), and then the second was a quiz on our chapter, which was hard and I think I bombed it.

Everything kind of balances out.

Anyway, I found out what I'll have to do while in Italy--

BY THE FREAKING WAY, EVERYONE!

I'm going to Italy. :D

In...four days. We're going to all the big places, then a little island where we'll lay out in the country and eat cheese with some wine. I don't think I'll drink the wine, even though it's supposed to be amazing and I'll be of age. I'm just not...into drinking. Some alcohol every once in a while is all right for of age adults...but I don't see the use in it beforehand. Drown your sorrows? Buy ice cream and drown them in that. Just tastes good? HEY, so does apple cider!

...No one should NEED the stuff. That's all I'm saying.

Topics flying everywhere. I'm getting off for the night.

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Yes, it bothers me.

It bothers me that I'm making a blog about this, because it shouldn't be about this. I shouldn't be thinking about it. It's nothing dirty, nothing profound, nothing intelligent at all, really.

It's just...a want. A need. I don't know how to explain it, but it's one of those things where you just get it once you feel it and I obviously felt it because I'm trying to describe it.

I think it's like getting hit by a car.

I mean, you're crossing the street when all the sudden you turn around and your heart jumps out of your chest, because there it is. The car, and it's coming right for you.

I just happened to jump out of the way.

I jerked my face away, and my heart was pounding, and my eyes were open, but I was happy.

But then , if it was this great just to have a close call...I feel like now, I need to know what it would be like to really get slammed into. To experience that full-force, heart-pounding rush that I know is there somewhere.

I don't think I know WHAT I need, and yet I do...there's so much I wish I could do over. There's so much I want, but if I have it all...it'll be at the margin, as my Economics teacher would say. I'd have to compromise some of one for some of the other.

Nothing will be the same either way, though.

I have to take that into account.




I laughed a lot, today. Got a lot of spit all over my face (thanks Will). And I got my head bashed by my pool table and my elbow messed WAY up (it's swollen).

It was really annoying when I started crying in front of Logan, so I just walked to the bathroom, cried quietly there, wiped off the makeup (and applied NEW makeup to replace that), fanned off my face, and returned. It was all I could do not to curl up in a hug and just cry, and cry, and cry...



And now I'm talking to Logan about how I kind of want to be nonexclusive in the future.

I mean, look. I don't like hurting guys. I don't. I think men are so much more wonderful than women, in most cases, it isn't even funny. And I'm not trying to say we'll be together forever, because we might not. I still want to have a shot at this with him, because it feels like we're going well and have a pretty solid relationship.

But I also want to experience life. I don't think it's fair that we're going to new schools--him college, me the Governor's School--while still joined at the hip to each other. He'll never experience anything new if he has me, because...well, he's kinda centered himself around me and what I want. And I don't want to be kept away from dating, because I still don't feel like I'm experienced enough to even really hold a relationship (and I've been in this one for almost 8 months!). It makes me twinge with jealousy inside to think of him with another girl, and I know it makes him uncomfortable (to say the least) to think of me kissing another guy...

...Just...

You meet people over the summer. You meet people at new schools. I'm not willing to risk hurting him more then than I would if I just do this now. So, yeah.

I brought it up. And he's hurt.

But think of what it would feel like having your girlfriend break up with you...when she's already found someone else. And I keep telling myself it's not a break up, what I'm mentioning now, but it is. He knows it is, and I'm just...fooling myself.

I know we'll still see each other, but I might find someone else to see sometimes, too. And that'll hurt him. It'll hurt him just thinking about it, and I know that because it'll hurt me, too.

He's upset, and so I'm crying, because I have this suspicion that he's on the other side of the screen with tears on his face, too, because he's one of the sensitive types who every once in a while can be brought to tears.

But...I can't explain it to you. I just need this. And I think it'll either help or kill the relationship. If we can't make it through this...then I don't think it was meant to happen, anyway.

That sounds dumb. Let's just leave it at "I need this."

There are a lot of excuses I pulled.

But in reality, I just don't think it's healthy to go to new schools and expect to keep the same relationship. I think it's better to stay single during that time because then people can see what they like and don't, and they can flirt and have dates without cheating (because that's one thing I refuse to do).

It's about playing the field. About having the ability.

For both of us, even though he doesn't especially want it. I do. I want him to date more than one girl, to see if it's really me he wants (or if he'll meet another girl and fall for her), and I want to date other guys...somewhat just because I like being single and having the ability to flirt without guilt.

I'm restraining myself from leading him on.


Sorry, Logan.




EDIT: If you haven't figured it out by now, you're missing the real point.

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I have a lot of Christian friends, all right? I live in the south, and that seems to just kind of...come with it.

And you know, I LIKE talking about religion. I think it's really interesting to see the different ways people think, and what or whom they follow. The diversity in this world is...unusual, in a way.

But there's a line you don't cross.

It's cool if you quote the Bible, and tell me what your religion says will happen to me after I die, and you can even tell me it makes you sad that I have to go through that, as your friend.

But do NOT use that to start subtly pushing it, again. Not everyone does it; some respect the fact that I've established that line with them and that's great. I really appreciate it, because again, these people are my friends, and I don't want to be angry with them.

It's just that a few still do (and I'm not talking about you, Stevie. You should have remembered by now that we mostly avoid that topic). I'd really like to have close friendships with these people, too, but that just isn't easy. It shouldn't be like this.

This is all starting back up in my mind because of Seth. He's what I'd consider a radical conservative, and he's a Christian as well. This obviously clashes quite a bit with my nearly-radical left-wing views and my blatant agnosticism. (Actually, I would lean towards Christianity and try it if a few rude people under the denomination hadn't treated me as they did. I simply can't sit beside people like that in church, I'm sorry. As I said, there's a line.)

So obviously, we get into a lot of debates. Teaching evolution in school. Abortion. Gay marriage (actually, we came to a peaceful consensus on this one; I allowed that it is interpreted from the Bible that only man and woman should be together, not couples of the same sex. And so I asked if he'd be all right as long as gay couples didn't marry under the Christian church and he said yes, that would be better).

He's very good at arguing and has me at some points, though he hasn't been exposed to the same upbringing as I have, so we reach a lot of points where there is no agreement simply because the argument turns to opinion instead of using facts.


I just can't STAND it when he brings up Hell. Because what am I supposed to say, "You're wrong and here's why?"

I don't know! I know nothing about what's really going on above all of this, so I can't say anything! Nobody else actually KNOWS, either, some of us just have extremely strong faith in our religions.

And like I said, that's cool. It's...intriguing, I suppose you could call it, to watch people talk about it.

It just isn't anyone else's place to tell me what I should believe to save myself from pain or anything else. I'm not afraid. I know that might sound ignorant to some of strong faith who have read, and believe what's going to happen is so worse than what I can imagine, but...

I'm not afraid. I'm not going to live my life in fear just because some of my pushy friends say I should be. I'm not going to convert and worship because I fear what God can do to me.

That just seems WRONG. If that's the only pitch you've got for me, heh, I'll pass. Scaring me doesn't work at school when they try to knock drinking out of kids (though I don't drink (ew, happiness doesn't come in a bottle, guys. I can understand if you just like the taste, but seriously...), I hear people at my school talking about it all the time. Scaring us never works), it won't work when trying to convert me to your religion.

And I guess that's kinda why I have respect for Stevie... Instead of talking about me burning in Hell (I think he did once, though), he talks about his Youth Group trips.

Even if he actually is plotting an evil scheme to convert me, he sure is doing it respectfully.

:D

Love, you guys! Hate and fear will waste your life away.

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So I wrote a blog on here saying that I'd sent for an informational packet on Governor's School. I think that was about a year ago. The packet came quickly after in the mail, and I was disappointed to see that they had no openings in the Creative Writing department at the time.

But, Mum told me they'd get spaces back when students were about to graduate.

I waited.

About half a year ago, another packet came in the mail. It was an application for Governor's School, since they'd acquired openings from all the seniors graduating. I quickly took it in and worked my average-sized butt off to get the application sent in on time.

Then I auditioned. I was afraid but refused to show it. The men who talked to me were really nice and amiable, so I cooled down and talked like a human, not an interviewee. They told me I'd need to read more contemporary poetry before the school year; I agreed, then it was time to go home.

More waiting.

I received word, last month, that they'd be sending the rejections and acceptance over the mail during the first week of April. The anticipation for anything even LIKE that is unbearable.



Back in late July, I met a boy--one I'd seen around school--on MySpace. People always think this is unorthodox, but some of my friends vaguely knew him, and by his page, I could tell he was a nerdy gamer.

So I used the AIM on his page to ask if he knew where to buy good DDR pads, because I especially loved DDR at the time. He told me, and then we talked about my lack of money, which led to his job, which led to a million other conversations within that one night. We started talking around midnight. He finally decided to get some sleep around six or seven in the morning.

And this was the first time we'd had a conversation.

And I have to admit, during that first conversation, I developed a crush. His grammar wasn't perfect (and as an English freak, I ended up shouting at the screen every time he used the wrong homophone), and he sometimes rubbed me the wrong way, but I liked talking to him more than anyone else. Everything I took years to confide in anyone else, I wanted to confide to him that night.

So, naturally, we started staying up like the more often. We'd watch the sunrise online together, or talk about how the moon looked, but on top of that, we talked about anything that came to mind. I wanted to learn more, constantly more.

The crush got worse. We'd hang out, sometimes, just lay around. Mum thought he was sweet on me, I thought he saw me as just a cute kid friend, since we're about two to three years apart, depending on the time of year.

But I told him I liked him, anyway. And it was bad, I was in this deep.

He said he liked me back.

On September second, he asked me to be his girlfriend.



I woke up to the sound on my iPod knocking against my doorknob from the handle I'd secured it to. I was conscious of the fact that I'd slept in his jacket, but knew he probably would just find it adorable.

I curled up and whined. He told me it was time to get up. I opened my eyes and saw him standing beside my bed, a beautifully sunny day waiting behind him. He had this little smile on his face. I'd never seen that before we were an item, and he tells me that's why.

It was only later that I realized it had been seven months since we'd first kissed, held hands, lay our heads on each other's.

And wait, there's more.

I came home today after an especially wonderful day and went outside in my bare feet, enjoying the amazingly perfect temperature. I traipsed through the grass for a shortcut to the mailbox, hoping the report card I was going to intercept wasn't so horrific. I took the mail, and set out for the house. Half way up the stairs, I start looking through the mail.

I reached the door, then froze and collapsed against it.

The Governor's School emblem. The first week of April.

It was a small envelope.

I got inside, and I was shaking. My life was in my hands. My life was right there. I was too shocked to cry, or smile, or fear, or anything. I dropped the mail right in the middle of the floor, grabbed the phone, dialed, and sat near the mail pile.

It felt like the envelope had never left my hand.

"They're here," I told Sarah when she answered. She guessed report cards, too, but once I responding in the negative, she got it.

We opened them at the same time. I couldn't breathe.

I had to get up. I had to move. She opened hers and squealed, and we talked, but then I told her I had to go.

I didn't. I had calm down.

I staggered from the front window, still holding the letter. My couch was close, so I sat down.

The tears came in an instant, and I couldn't stop sobbing. Anyone else would have thought something was horribly wrong, but nothing was wrong. Everything was perfect.

"Congratulations," it'd read. Congratulations.



This has been the best day of my life.

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I'm losing it, again. Last time, it was small, secure, and I seemed alright. This time, I'm having breakdowns. None of my friends seem like friends, anymore. My best friend is taking my best qualities and habits and making them into something fake for her wardrobe, and I'm sick of watching it. It's worse than an enemy. I love her, but I want to be as far away from her as humanly possible.

One of my other best friends is hurting. And, I can't help but point out that this isn't right, because her personality is missing because she lacks the one she loves.
Yeah, I would miss Logan. I would hurt.

But it wouldn't be like this. I knew I had to be happy on my own before I could handle a relationship, so that's what I did. I became happy, over time, and THEN looked at being part of a couple.

I'm independent, is what I'm trying to say. My world doesn't revolve around things that could never happen. I stay in the present and don't look for others to point the finger at or rely on, I rely on myself because...I don't really count anyone as a real friend.

Don't get me wrong...I have friends. I have a lot.

But...they're not there when I'm having a hard time. They don't make an attempt to communicate half as much as they should, and when I try...I don't know. It seems like no one can ever follow through.

And I know sometimes I'm horrible to the people who do talk to me. It's just that, right now, I feel so damn distant from everyone, like I'm one of those followers in the bunch who just exists.

I feel like I am nothing.

I guess that's why I've been crying a lot, and having panic attacks, and just...hurting, all day. It hurts. And it's hard to rise back to a level of existence once you've decreed that you don't, in fact, exist. I keep telling myself this is just an illusion from my Winter Sadness, but this time...I just don't buy it. I need more. I need vibrancy. I need people to tell em they love me other than my boyfriend.

Even he isn't around as often as he used to be. It isn't his fault, though; he has work and school things after school and on the weekend.

And so I'm hoping that I'll be back once I maintain enough sleep. Right now, though...I just want to lay down and die. I want to scream. I want to escape.

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