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A Green Bikini Top.
Monday. 2.1.10 12:44 am

I guess I have this sort of expectation that's been holding me back for a while, now. The other night, I finally just outright admitted to Neb that, yeah, I've toyed with men a lot in the past. Partially, I feel like it's because they let me. But I know that I can be manipulative, emotionally. Never anything more. I don't lie knowingly with stuff like that.

I just don't.

On some levels, I feel like I never really admitted it to myself, and therefore didn't come to terms with exactly how weird it is, and how badly it needs to end. I find myself settling, a lot, for people who just don't fit the people I want to be with. And, at points, it makes sense that I date so many different, equally strange people...but on the other hand...

Maybe it's just my way of saying that I'm not there, yet. That I'm not ready to settle, and you can't make me. If you try, I stay for a while, but then it's full reverse.

This is what I think about on Sunday nights, around 12:48 in the morning.

At the same time, though, I feel like--if it had ever been perfect--things would have been different. That settling into a real, committed...thing would have been plausible. I may be forever changing and forever self-completing, but I think I could handle a complement. If a green-yellow ever did come along to my shade of raspberry, that is. If one came into my life and had the nerve to stay.

I'm in no rush to settle down. That's partially why I'm so excited to probably go off to an all-female college. It's really a chance for me to just stay away, for a while. If something comes along that's really worth it to me, I think I'll know. Because of the distance, and everything. If nothing comes along that feels worthy...it's better, that way. It will be a lot easier to just say No.

Maybe...my conscience just does a bad job at that? Learning when to say No?

Whatever. Regardless.

I think I've made my college decision, and of all birthdays to make it on, this would be the most ironic.

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Points for Accuracy
Wednesday. 1.27.10 11:48 pm

Katie: And they're giving us a pizza party!
Katie: WOOHOO PARTY!
Mr. Dobbins: Same day as Chemistry and History
Katie: ^.^
Katie: It's like an apology.
Mr. Dobbins: Not really,
Mr. Dobbins: It's like being slapped, given a pain killer and then getting stabbed.


Not looking forward to March. Mock exams loom. In the long run, though, all this is nothing. It will be a speck on the timeline of my life, assuming that I live for quite a while afterward.

Either way, his simile was right on the dot. Especially since History, the slap, comes first. Chemistry is the killer.

CaO3 + H2SO4 -> CaSO4 + H2O + CO2!

Burned into my memory forever. Acid rain never felt so real.

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Accepted.
Tuesday. 1.26.10 9:06 pm
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An Overreaction
Friday. 1.15.10 4:10 pm
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