I can't stand when teachers go horribly, horribly wrong.

There's this teacher in my school...we'll name him Kermit for the sake of being anonymous, since I don't think people would appreciate me giving out their last names online. He's usually a really nice guy, but he's having a super hard time, lately. His home life has recently become VERY stressful, so I could understand some strain.

But this is ridiculous. He called out my buddy for not reading something I admit, we were supposed to be reading. HOWEVER, no one else had been reading it during class; they'd done it the night before. I don't know why he assumed she hadn't but they had.

That isn't even the point, though. The point is that he's gotten so mean. Again, I do understand it. I just don't think that's right, to call people out and embarrass them. Mean teachers do that. He shouldn't.

Anyway. I just got back from Italy a couple days ago. Generally, I was really unimpressed with Italy. I tell everyone the guys were the best part, and that is so totally true.

I mean, there was just this one very sweet one in Italy...he made the entire trip worth while, just by smiling at me, and giving me looks, and grinning when I ate...

It was...ugh. I'm not used to having cute little tender moments without it being ruined by a kiss. And you know, I like kissing. Kissing is good. More kissing, I say.

But there are times when things should just be more simplistic and pure. Life should be easy and happy, like childhood, sometimes. If it's not, you won't survive. You just won't.

I just wanna have more of that. It's not even that the guy and I had anything, it was just that he was quiet and sweet and...did simple things.

That's the best way to get someone to love you. Simplicity. Because I think every thing's complicated enough as it is.

I know the best times I've ever had with guys were in the park. It's so peaceful back there, you can't help but be taken by it.

-sigh, happy smile-

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I hate when my mother talks to my aunt. She gets out the wine and drinks it like it's fucking water.

And then she comes upstairs and tries to socialize with me. And she wonders why I'm so mean to her, at that moment? Doesn't she get that this type of stuff is disappointing? I mean, honestly, I'm the teenager. I'm the one who's supposed to be going out and getting drunk. That's what they do.

But no. I'm the responsible one, driving for her when she isn't "well enough" to do so herself.

Sickening. I want to Caps Lock at her.

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Five minutes.

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I fought the urge

So hard

Not to just

B
r e
a
k

d
o
w n


But I think I am, anyway.

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Seth got on me about my friendship with Sarah, tonight...that was kind of crossing a line, too. It wasn't his business, but he insisted upon it, anyway.

I'm trying, you know? I'm trying to make things better, but we'll never be the same, and I'm aware of that. It isn't that we don't like each other--I love her like a sister--it's just that we're changing. She isn't so loyal, anymore, and that kind of hurts.

I guess it's just hard to mold ashes back into a full piece of paper.


The bruise Will gave me on my elbow is aching nonstop, and he's kind of being an asshole about it. It'd at least be nice if he'd really said sorry and not tried to wipe spit on me again RIGHT AFTERWARDS. Because my elbow hurts. :[ Sarah says the bone is bruised. Agh.


Anyway. It's really nice outside. Even now, I'm betting I could go out in something for temperate weather and feel all right. The days have been generally sunny with some clouds. It's nice to feel the sun again. It's also nice to not have to stare at it through my eyelids to get my daily fix of happiness, haha. We all have our diseases, you know? Everything, these days, is an ailment.

I usually have pretty neat ones. :D Even my illnesses are unique and quirky! Ohoho!

Trying to not talk about what's making me frustrated, right now.

So I'll talk some about my classes.

Today, in first period, all we did was test. First it was a big test on all the elements up through period seven on the periodic table (I think I probably got in the 90s, if not a perfect score), and then the second was a quiz on our chapter, which was hard and I think I bombed it.

Everything kind of balances out.

Anyway, I found out what I'll have to do while in Italy--

BY THE FREAKING WAY, EVERYONE!

I'm going to Italy. :D

In...four days. We're going to all the big places, then a little island where we'll lay out in the country and eat cheese with some wine. I don't think I'll drink the wine, even though it's supposed to be amazing and I'll be of age. I'm just not...into drinking. Some alcohol every once in a while is all right for of age adults...but I don't see the use in it beforehand. Drown your sorrows? Buy ice cream and drown them in that. Just tastes good? HEY, so does apple cider!

...No one should NEED the stuff. That's all I'm saying.

Topics flying everywhere. I'm getting off for the night.

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Yes, it bothers me.

It bothers me that I'm making a blog about this, because it shouldn't be about this. I shouldn't be thinking about it. It's nothing dirty, nothing profound, nothing intelligent at all, really.

It's just...a want. A need. I don't know how to explain it, but it's one of those things where you just get it once you feel it and I obviously felt it because I'm trying to describe it.

I think it's like getting hit by a car.

I mean, you're crossing the street when all the sudden you turn around and your heart jumps out of your chest, because there it is. The car, and it's coming right for you.

I just happened to jump out of the way.

I jerked my face away, and my heart was pounding, and my eyes were open, but I was happy.

But then , if it was this great just to have a close call...I feel like now, I need to know what it would be like to really get slammed into. To experience that full-force, heart-pounding rush that I know is there somewhere.

I don't think I know WHAT I need, and yet I do...there's so much I wish I could do over. There's so much I want, but if I have it all...it'll be at the margin, as my Economics teacher would say. I'd have to compromise some of one for some of the other.

Nothing will be the same either way, though.

I have to take that into account.




I laughed a lot, today. Got a lot of spit all over my face (thanks Will). And I got my head bashed by my pool table and my elbow messed WAY up (it's swollen).

It was really annoying when I started crying in front of Logan, so I just walked to the bathroom, cried quietly there, wiped off the makeup (and applied NEW makeup to replace that), fanned off my face, and returned. It was all I could do not to curl up in a hug and just cry, and cry, and cry...



And now I'm talking to Logan about how I kind of want to be nonexclusive in the future.

I mean, look. I don't like hurting guys. I don't. I think men are so much more wonderful than women, in most cases, it isn't even funny. And I'm not trying to say we'll be together forever, because we might not. I still want to have a shot at this with him, because it feels like we're going well and have a pretty solid relationship.

But I also want to experience life. I don't think it's fair that we're going to new schools--him college, me the Governor's School--while still joined at the hip to each other. He'll never experience anything new if he has me, because...well, he's kinda centered himself around me and what I want. And I don't want to be kept away from dating, because I still don't feel like I'm experienced enough to even really hold a relationship (and I've been in this one for almost 8 months!). It makes me twinge with jealousy inside to think of him with another girl, and I know it makes him uncomfortable (to say the least) to think of me kissing another guy...

...Just...

You meet people over the summer. You meet people at new schools. I'm not willing to risk hurting him more then than I would if I just do this now. So, yeah.

I brought it up. And he's hurt.

But think of what it would feel like having your girlfriend break up with you...when she's already found someone else. And I keep telling myself it's not a break up, what I'm mentioning now, but it is. He knows it is, and I'm just...fooling myself.

I know we'll still see each other, but I might find someone else to see sometimes, too. And that'll hurt him. It'll hurt him just thinking about it, and I know that because it'll hurt me, too.

He's upset, and so I'm crying, because I have this suspicion that he's on the other side of the screen with tears on his face, too, because he's one of the sensitive types who every once in a while can be brought to tears.

But...I can't explain it to you. I just need this. And I think it'll either help or kill the relationship. If we can't make it through this...then I don't think it was meant to happen, anyway.

That sounds dumb. Let's just leave it at "I need this."

There are a lot of excuses I pulled.

But in reality, I just don't think it's healthy to go to new schools and expect to keep the same relationship. I think it's better to stay single during that time because then people can see what they like and don't, and they can flirt and have dates without cheating (because that's one thing I refuse to do).

It's about playing the field. About having the ability.

For both of us, even though he doesn't especially want it. I do. I want him to date more than one girl, to see if it's really me he wants (or if he'll meet another girl and fall for her), and I want to date other guys...somewhat just because I like being single and having the ability to flirt without guilt.

I'm restraining myself from leading him on.


Sorry, Logan.




EDIT: If you haven't figured it out by now, you're missing the real point.

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