It's really weird--I didn't notice it was past midnight until just a moment ago.

@.@

I think it's come to the point where Stevie is kind of the timekeeper in my life; I usually don't look at the clock and just assume that, if he hasn't called, it isn't even 11 yet.

So tonight's...just...weird. It's going to be weird for a while. Two weeks, if you wanna put a number to it.

And even weirder yet: I saw Logan today. It was nice, but I guess he didn't find it as nice. "-sigh- I'm just ready for us to settle in with this friendship. You just looked so gorgeous today and it took everything within me not to hold you..."

And so I sigh.

It's not...good...to tell me these things, anymore. I'm his best friend. Platonic. Quite honestly, I'm surprised I'm not looking a him with Those Eyes, but at the same time...it makes sense. I've always been his best friend, and he's always been mine, but I guess for me, it never went beyond that. Not if I'm going to think about it honestly.

He's easy on the eyes--or, my eyes.

But I just can't have him as a boyfriend when I don't...have that sort of feel for him.

I don't know when I realized this.

Sometime along the way.



And I think while we were in the store I said something but told him I was just kidding, and I very distinctly heard him call me a bitch, and that hurt more than I could ever describe.

The Hurt joins The Hurter.

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I wish I could pull my own distrust off of my skin for a day and hug my dad like I used to be able to.

His mum is dying. My grandmum.

I mean, I was never very close with her. She was the grandmum whose house I never stayed at. But she's still family.

:-\ Knowing what that means to me is the problem. I don't...know how much I actually care about my family. They all seem like weird strangers who try to give me hugs and tell me how much I've grown, even though it'd be a stretch for me to simply remember their names.

x.x

I'll tell you on the other side of my existence...the side before this happened...I was having fun.

The shopping was good, and Sarah liked her gifts, I guess. Her party was pretty fun, but I'm not really too close with anyone, anymore, and anyone I could still be close with has changed. It just makes me sick, sick, sick.

And it would be different if I had clients--paying clients--with the same problems, because then I wouldn't be afraid to push some help, because they came and gave up their money to have it which means they want to be acknowledged for not being okay.

I don't think I can bring that stuff up without hurting people or making them angry with me. People don't like to show weakness.

This just isn't easy.

At all.


So I guess this is Stevie's last real day around for a couple weeks. I don't know what I'm going to do with those extra two hours before I go to sleep. Maybe I'll use them to get MOAR sleep.

Or, maybe I'll just use it to write. My journals have been lacking their usual glow. Up until the breakup, my life's kinda lacked luster.

I guess the freedom is refreshing. I'm using it to enjoy a good flirt and an occasional cuddle from a few.

Omnom certainly. ;D

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Tonight was okay.

Oh, well, frick.

Forget everything I was about to type.

My grandma has cancer.

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Hmmm.

I am a tad bit stressed because Britney is sitting beside me a lot while chewing on her plastic cap thingie. And I have an anxiety disorder, so hearing repetitive sounds which I already have a problem with tends to make me have random breakdowns. Like, with crying and sometimes screaming.

But, I'll try not to let that show.

I've missed seeing her, anyway. I guess being on the edge of a huge breakdown is kinda worth it, sometimes. Even though I'm finding the need to YELL AT HER. A LOT.

Twitch.

Anyway.

My friends have been there constantly since Logan and I split. I loved how Kevin left a bottle of Fuze, and the way Britney stuck around to watch me nom an entire pint of ice cream (reminiscent of my break up with Stevie in '07, where I ate twice as much as she could in ice cream, but that time it was Cinnamon Roll, instead of Half Baked, and I probably cried more, then) and see some pictures, and the way Stevie came over and got me to hang out in the rain, which I've admittedly only tried a couple times, given that I rather like life and think lightning might come in the way of such enjoyment.

Everyone has just been so nice.

<3 I'm grateful for this time to spend with my friends.

And even more news (well, really, the last part wasn't even really news, so this is kinda of more like the first news)!

I got into Governor's School (for arts, not science & math) in April, right? I was kind of freaked out because I was missing a lot of school days and my grades were taking a fall (because I guess I was sort of depressed and stuck in a rut; plus, that whole week in Italy >.>;;). Naturally, I feared my grades would cause me to fail. Because I'm an honors student. And I fear failing and anything below a C.

Or, like, below a B.

Actually, I hate anything below an A. >.>;

But, yeah, I thought I would fail my classes and have to repeat, thus missing my chance at Governor's School, which is somewhere I REALLY want to go. But I got my report card, and the lowest grade is an 85 in Chemistry, which was the only class I truly worried a LOT over.

:3

Governor's School pour moi!

And so next year I'm not taking a science class. Heh. I just don't want to, so I'm not. Plus, I doubled this year. Physics and Chem. Bleh. :3

Oh, and then...one downside to everything going on. Actually, two. Wait, three.

One: Logan. I still care about him, even though I don't want to be in a relationship with him. And so it kind of bothers me to see what this break up is doing to him. He's kinda unraveling. It's worrying. :-\ I mean, I know I probably shouldn't be surprised, after doing this to him, and I shouldn't be offended, but he's gotten so harsh and...agh. I remember what I can compare it to.

There was this one time we went to Zuma, which is a gaming place. He got SO MAD playing mini golf. And I was like, Dude, it's just a game. But he threw a big-ass tantrum every time he missed and started cussing while there were little kids in the vicinity. But then when he started doing well, he didn't just take it modestly. He bragged. Heavily.

And that's what it's like now. Whenever he has a bad day, he thinks he has the right to very publicly whine about it on MySpace bulletins (which are petty to begin with), over IM, and things like that. He basically acts like a child when he's angry or put off. And I'd understand that if he'd just contain it a little better to friends and such, but the fact that he's yelling at EVERYONE and going off on people who don't know him that well and don't deserve it...that puts me off.

And then yesterday he had a good day, so he acted like he never pouted about anything and talked about how awesome his day was. No regretful attitude towards those he was harsh towards. Just sudden joy and gloating that he had a good day.

The chance that we'll remain best friends after this is getting so low. I...don't like this side of him. Never did.

>.<

Two: Kevin. He talked to me the other night and finally admitted that he wants more than friendship in a relationship. >.< I don't think he believed what I told him in response.

I was telling some of the girls yesterday that I wouldn't even go into a relationship with the guy I like most, even if he wanted to, because I'm not really stable enough to hold a relationship with someone else, and I don't want to be with someone in high school when it will probably mean nothing later in life.

They weren't surprised. Kevin, apparently, was. And he knows all about the other guys I like, because I prefer to be honest when he asks about this stuff. If people ask, I figure they probably want the truth.

Eep. I just don't know why he would want a relationship with me, the way I am. I'm not good with keeping guys in that way. I like friendships with them, and casual dating is good, because there still isn't a lot of complex emotion attached, in most cases.

But when it gets to the point where they're trying to dig deep and trying to kiss me on the lips all the time...I get suffocated. I don't like the kissing much, especially when you're expected to kiss often. A kiss on the cheek? Yeah, that's cute. On the forehead? I basically melt.

But the lips...eh. Meh. Erg. Enh.

Kinda weird. Only when it's necessary or really good.

...And sometimes it's kinda icky if the guy doesn't mind his taste. Onions. I specifically remember the one with onions.

TWITCH.

Three: Steigen.

(I love you Steigen!)

But girls do talk. And...I think, having seen what's going on around me...that there needs to be an intervention sleepover. Girls be bitches, including myself, sometimes.

Which makes me ashamed. Britney told me straight up, yesterday, that I'm a mean girl, and I felt so bad. Because I really don't see myself as mean, most of the time.

I'm maybe a bit cold to...two people. Sometimes three. But everyone else...I always try to be nice with. S:

It just confused me. I have to wonder, sometimes, if everyone thinks I'm mean. If I'm doing something wrong. (Because I try so hard not to be an asshole to anyone! >.<)

Bleh.

This whole blog is pretty balanced in the joy versus the mope.

I'm still kinda floating on the inside. :3 Dunno why. Must be the summer air.

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AWW.

Britney brought ice cream and stayed to watch a movie, yesterday. :3 We didn't really watch the movie; instead, we kinda sat around. I played a bit of Rock Band, not wanting to watch her go through my pictures, and we both talked to Stevie. It was a bit easier when she went home and I could get on the phone with him, though. Heh.

-loves Britney-

I wish I would think of these things earlier. The next breakup someone has...I'm either pulling a Kevin or a Britney, because those two are so extremely sweet for doing things like that.

But let's hope there aren't any more breakups.

...I just don't think I've been there enough for my friends. Not some of them.

Especially the best ones.

D:

ANYWAY.

Today I'm not sure what I'm doing. I was thinking I might have another day of solitude, but then Stevie just texted asking if I could do anything before 6. I surprised myself by saying I could. And then Meagan also mentioned something last night, but I'm not so sure about that, because I don't think I'm ready to face the girl friends. Most of the girls are just...too chipper. And with my little fragile state (I cry randomly at certain words, phrases, movies, books, and thoughts), I can't have people so high-pitched and...I don't know.

My friends, in a nutshell, are kind of loud and obnoxious.

Given that, I probably am, too.

Funny how that works.

And then tomorrooowww!

Fatz.

That's a restaurant in my town, right by the house. They have pretty much the best food for the price; most of the menu items are under $10.

(SCORE.)

And the calabash chicken.

Ohmanyum. If you ever come across a restaurant named Fatz...NOM IT.

Do not think about it. Do not discuss it with any of the other people in the car.

If you are the driver, SWERVETOTURNINTOIT AND NOMMIT.

If you are nto the driver...

Actually, do what you would if you were.

Take the wheel, turn it, nom.

In that order.

Also, try to not die between the turning and the nomming.

Actually, try not to die at all.

Our death rates are sorta low, other than natural causes.

Very safe.

:3

TIME TO GO!

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I woke up to a phone full of sad texts, which wasn't really welcome, but it was necessary. I'm not at my happiest, right now; I miss that part of me I gave him. I mean, think of all the time and thought people use on relationships. I think of all the time I used being romantic and surprising him (and man, all the thought that went with it), and the time used to be there for him when he's bummed, and even just being around when we wanted to see each other...

It's a lot. He became a big part of my existence.

And I guess that's why some of us feel empty when we lose people like that. Because they played the bigger roles in our acts.

But I think, overall, I'm all right. It stung upon waking up, when I had to think about it to really cast that sour realization onto myself. But then I got a text to look on my doorstep, and there was the paper bag.

And at first, I wondered if someone was turning me to alcohol in my time of need. But then I opened it up and saw a bottle of Fuze, surrounded by ice.

And it's my favorite type. :)

Thanks, Kevin!

And so now I'm back in the bonus room, chatting with him (no one else is on, really). I still feel sad, definitely. I don't really want to eat, or smile, or...I don't know. Don't really want to do much.

Maybe it's just time for a change of setting. Maybe this is the week I should go to New York.

-sigh- But then again.

I need to stay. Because I think sooner or later, we're gonna need to see each other and face what's happened.

-sigh-

I need a hug.

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