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proper lane change
Saturday. 5.25.13 1:14 am

I think the big difference between now and before is that, before, I would have felt the flags going up and done nothing. Now, when someone doesn't seem right, when they hurt me, when they don't want what I want, I tell them and I make sure it's fixed and that I'm where I want to be...or entirely without them, in some cases. I lived with the same burden for two years, and it cast a freezing shadow over what could have, otherwise, been a passionately academic and exciting friendship. Now that whole world is dark.

I'm not going through that again.

There are people in my life that I'm unhappy with, and it isn't their fault. This is the cost of silence--disappointment. I let people push themselves into parts of my life, where I don't want them, and I let them get comfortable--or, conversely, I let them stay put, just wishing they would move forward. I let people say things that hurt me, rather than risking telling them who I am and why I don't want to hear those things. If you don't communicate and ask for what you want, it 100% won't be on your terms, when you receive what people are willing to give. There's a difference between neutral and passive.

The fact that I'm passive is new to me, but probably ancient news to everyone else. I never saw it, but it's this huge, malignant aspect of my personality, when it comes to relationships, and I don't want to live like that, anymore.

Initiate the conversation. Set the mood for the discourse. Be the first to express expectations, and express them honestly. Approach problems as they arise. Engage.

We made fun of the whole "sit in the front row of your life" thing, but now I'm starting to wonder whether I'm actually at the wheel in my life, or if I'm subject to a string of chauffeurs in my place.

Keep changing, says my brain.

You've still got a ways to go.
2 Comments.


Yes, I think it is easier if you start doing that at the beginning, for sure.

So are you ever coming to France, or what?

re: it's the original. I haven't seen the photos from the shoot yet, but think it will be fairly obvious that we're amateurs ;) Though all the tourists on the bridge took pictures of our photo shoot and one Japanese guy even asked me to take a picture with him. He'll be so disappointed to find out that I'm not a real model.
» Zanzibar on 2013-05-25 02:32:22

Pressin' on.
re:comment I didn't take the job. And I felt bad about it, but also kinda weird, too.
I went with my friend to kind of shadow her, and the whole time I was freaking out inside my head. Apparently, playing with my 3-year-old nephew is TOTALLY different to me than a handful of strange children I'd never seen before. I was rather surprised at how much I was internally freaking out.
I think an element to my level of freak-out was that I felt like I *had* to take the job. I felt bad for not wanting to help. But I texted my friend and emailed the lady who ran the nursery and everyone understood. *phew*.
But still weird. Also, learned I didn't like children as much as I let myself believe. Being apart from other people's children for a long time does that, I suppose. Especially when you have several friends who work with kids and/or love them.
Not me. :/

/end-another-blog-entry-long-comment
» invisible on 2013-05-30 01:14:58

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