Back from the mountains! (Did I even mention that I was going in the first place? It's possible that I skipped right past that whole thing in my blind happiness, but I did go.)

But I don't wanna talk about that much, because it was all kind of boring. We played some hardcore foosball, walked around on the roads (not often) and sat reading some stuff from the book collection the family has.

Meh. The best part was just sitting up laughing and talking with Britney. Things are always more relaxed when no one's trying to impress anyone, just chilling in the game room at 3 a.m., talking about everything that comes up.

A LOT of stuff came up.

But erh.

I'm tired because of that, right now, so I think I'll head somewhere to do something else. It's too bad I wasn't ready in time to go see The Dark Knight. I really wanted to see that, and everyone's saying it's great. Blah!

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-smacks Logan- He called a girl a bitch.

And...-sigh- It's a complicated line, I have. If it's a unisex insult used towards that gender...it pisses me off. Used against guys, it's playful. But...argh.

I whaled on him, verbally. Because that just makes me so mad. She didn't even do that much to him. !!! And I know that this is just another example of where double-standards come into play, but...people have called me all sorts of mean things. And I don't want to see anyone else have to deal with that, even though it made me stronger. It's not right.

And, as I wanted to say, it also shows a high level of immaturity, which is why I somewhat regret being in a relationship with him. He's unable to maintain something because when I'm talking about something seriously, he always has to come up with annoyingly immature shit.

There's a time for that, and when I'm serious...well, that isn't the time.

I'm glad we broke up. And the fact that he was too proud to apologize for offending me just made me angrier. He tried to put guilt on me, and turn the attention off of himself, which wasn't cool, so I basically called him out for it. And at that point, he apologized.

Grh.

GRH.

Was that totally me overreacting? Because it just struck me the wrong way, the way he called a girl a bad name behind her back (or even if he did it to her face). I'm pretty sure I would have reacted the same way if it had been a guy and a mean name towards him.

Maybe it's connected to how *I* felt when he called *me* a bitch.

I need to start seeing one who will treat me the RIGHT way, instead of acting like a child getting sent to the corner.

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You know what I hate?
When someone calls when I'm angry and says something funny, so I start giggling and can't stop grinning when I think about being angry because then I think about what made me laugh and it's such a horrible cycle, agreed?
AHH!
I'm sure I'm going mad!
You know what's dumb? The fact that this pack of gum in front of me equals 150 calories. It has sugar in it, so I have to remember to use mouthwash along with brushing my teeth, tonight, because I've never had a cavity and definitely don't want one.
Have I mentioned that my teeth are naturally straight and fairly white? I hit the genetic jackpot. And my hair is naturally this really pretty wavy texture, and it has red in it, but also tends to be medium-darkness with blonde streaks.
JACKPOT.
Oh my word, jackpot, I am so glad my parents had me.
I mean, hopefully, no one ISN'T glad. Life's wonderful. Life's free. Life is the biggest and best thing you'll probably ever experience.
AHH!
I'm just.
I don't know.
Happy.
For the first time in a while, I am, this summer.
I mean, I'm not happy with all aspects of my life. They don't all bring me joy. But...that's kinda the point. Isn't it?
To struggle. And to find things out the hard way, and grow, and want things, and strive for better?
Not all of it. There needs to be a time to celebrate the fruits of those labors. A time when the struggle becomes totally worth it, and fulfilling in every way, shape, and form.
And I think I'm finally realizing what my struggles have been towards.
And that's alllriiiight.


So tell me, do you guys prefer when I space out paragraphs, or put them together?
Because I don't know, anymore.

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And now to my real blog.

I always thought being content with things would come before being happy, but right now I'm restless and lacking content in my life, but I'm still happy.

Joy. I like that word. I don't know. Life is light and airy. I'm starting to figure myself out, again, although that may be lost when I go to school.

What I'm lacking is something constant. Someone. Someone who knows me well enough to tell me when I'm losing myself again. Someone who's willing to be there when I drop off the face of my own earth, to grab my hands, and hold me on, even when the gravity is lacking in the small area of ground.

Something constant. Have I ever had that? Every three or four years, I change school. And even during those years, people come and go. I've watched close friends slowly step out of my life.

And that sucks. The only close friends I've ever really had, even, can't see me often. Look at Kierra. We talk maybe twice a month.

And that just...sucks.

Suck!

Beh, anyway. I don't especially know what else to say.

So that's it?

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I've tried writing this about a thousand times.

But you know what?

Every single time, I've gotten distracted by the happier parts.

But I have to say, just quicklyyyy...

I hate when my friends expect me to be open towards them without trying to earn my trust, first. Or without asking. Because if you don't ask, I feel like I'm telling you something you won't care about.

So. There you go.

But. Anyway. I haven't exactly been the chirpiest person, lately. It's because, to be chirpy, you have to be able to let go of problems, easily.

And lately, I'm not letting people get away with pissing me off, if it's something they know not to do.

But mind that not. I'll be back to normal just as soon as I yell at everyone who deserves it.

:D

I'm going to a picnic in less then 12 hours. It should be a really good time. And then Steigen wanted to hang out on Thursday (though, sorry, it just seems like she's doing this because I told her she doesn't spend enough time with me and Britney, and I don't really want to take a friendship like that, ESPECIALLY when I'm moving out in a month. You either put the effort out, or you're losing my friendship. I don't want it to be that way, but it will turn out that way if this isn't for real), but I was upset when she asked, so I said I probably shouldn't.

I want to.

-shrug- :3

I also want to listen to more of this...Nocturnal State.

It's very nice, yezzz...

It doesn't matter that it's technically pop music. Some of it is really, really nice.

You know what was the best part of my week, for real?

Finding out someone on YouTube already took the name Dinocorn.

So I had to become TheBestDinocorn.

Which gave me so much pleasure in all the right ways. :3

And I told myself I'd go to bed at three. But it's 3:28.

So I'm up until 4. Hopefully 4:23. Because 4+2+3=9, and three is much lucker than two, for me, and 4:00? 2 squared.

Ew.

I'm just going to keep watching music videos! Goldfrapp is finally popular. :3

I'm imagining what it would feel like to jump that long.

It hurts to even think about it.

Oh, ow.

What really weirds me out: I haven't kissed anyone almost all summer.

I haven't not-kissed anyone in this long since...

...
...
...
Since my first kiss?

Nnooooo!

And...I dunno. I'm excited about meeting new guys at Governor's School, but at the same time, that's exactly what I don't want--to see the guys every single day. I get suffocated. I need distance.

Absence does make the heart grow fonder. And at the precious stage of teenagerhood, I feel like not many people around me understand this. It's not like I never want to see the guys. It's just that every day is overkill. Relationships outside my own school do better. I think more about the last hug I got, and what we'll do when we next see each other, and...it just makes me appreciate the person more, if he understands space.

And so I guess I'm just...open to anything, now. I don't care about single, but I'm not hoping to be in a relationship. If it happens, it does. If it doesn't, it just doesn't. But I will have to be better at staying with people. And being open with them. And making sure it's there before I jump into a committed relationship.

I think I've gotten a bit better at realizing what there needs to be to make things work with me.

-shrug- But I don't know. Things just have to click.

Yup! That's all. There are things that make it click (unusually cute/sweet gestures without thinking about it, forehead kissing), and things that can un-click it (forcing anything on me, suffocating).

But generally it either does or doesn't.

:)

I think about this a lot. I know. Too much. I'm just single, and not used to being single when I don't have to be.

Bedtime.

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