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Monday. 2.17.14 9:14 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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strange magic
Sunday. 2.16.14 5:21 pm

So, over lunch, one day, I told my friend, Julia, that I used to work housekeeping and reception for this place close to campus, and that I might be able to get her a job there, since she was looking. She freaked out, because, apparently, that was exactly the type of job she'd been looking for.

This was interesting news. I told her that, if she wanted, I would head over and talk with the manager and see if they needed anyone, but then I got sick with the flu, so the next time I had a chance to head out there was the following Friday--and Julia decided to go ahead and come with, so that she could hand in a resume, fill out the application, et cetera. I told her that we probably wouldn't be able to talk with the manager, though, because she takes Fridays off. She said that was fine.

When we walked in, I spotted the owners, which was excellent luck. I told them that I had someone to introduce to them, gave them the run-down on what we were there for, and they asked Julia about her availability to work, looking like they were about to tell her they didn't need anyone for general working hours.

She told them that she had Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays open--and, if moments were dubstep tracks, this would be the moment where the bass drops.

Not even thirty seconds before we entered, they told us, they were talking about how they didn't have anyone for Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

...Woohoo! We proceeded to find a $130 dress for $11 that fit me like a glove, and a special event poster for a local piercing shop that was going to do free piercings for three days, this coming week...and she had just happened to want to get her nose pierced. Today, I found out that she got the job on the spot when she went back to turn in her application.

HOW.

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Wednesday. 2.12.14 9:29 pm
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The biggest red flag of them all
Sunday. 2.9.14 12:00 am
In one of my top five favorite books of all time--The Unbearable Lightness of Being--Kundera presents his reader base with two characters who find themselves taken by one another--as often characters in books are. What sets his description apart from others is his attraction to the idea of coincidence, and the idea that we only see coincidence as something more like fate--as something generally more profound--when...essentially, we want it to be more profound. Suddenly, a song isn't just a song, but the soundtrack to the first time you've met someone significant. Anyone else and it remains insignificant in meaning; we give it meaning only when it suddenly has meaning to us.

This is a concept I've carried with myself since reading this book at age seventeen.


I'm sitting in the library, feeling annoyed and tense to a high degree. R is next to me, and he's already confessed that he'd like to pick back up where we left off--basically, that he'd like to keep dating, like those two months we didn't talk never happened. In response, I've told him that this isn't going to happen, but that friendship is still on the table.

He says he's fine with this, but I don't think I'll be hearing from him much. His intentions, as he tells me, are clear.

(Ew. What the hell. Nevermind about the friendship.)

He proceeds to tell me that I came into his life out of nowhere, and runs with that for a few minutes, and that's when I absolutely know: He's given me a degree of significance that I haven't given him. This should have been obvious, right away: his conversation topics would, every once in a while, veer into what I was wearing, the night we met, or how weird it is that we share this or that in common...

Do I remember what he was wearing, the night we met? Man, not really. And I was the one who complimented his outfit! But to me, it just didn't stick; I lost interest in him, romantically, and those specific and "fate-filled" memories dropped off from my memory bank. Meanwhile, he essentially thinks of me as something sent down-stream to him in a bulrush basket.


Dating is wildly uncomfortable. Man, it is so uncomfortable. Everything about the conversation we had was uncomfortable in a way that made me very tense and defensive. I absolutely cannot stand when people just can't see me. He wasn't hearing what I was saying, or picking up on my cues--he was under this assumption that I'm vulnerable and small and needing of love and closeness...and while, sure, that's true in some circumstances (when I'm with a very select number of people with whom I feel safe), generally?

Generally, you don't see that side of me. Especially not after just three dates, come on.

Euughhh.


(He assumed I was too ladylike and polite to curse, and, from then on, it made me feel too uncomfortable to curse around him, and I CURSE A LOT, so I just felt wildly uncomfortable on our dates, from that point on, and the thought of going back to that just does not attract me at all because shit.)


Do not attach significance to strangers!

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