I'm losing it, again. Last time, it was small, secure, and I seemed alright. This time, I'm having breakdowns. None of my friends seem like friends, anymore. My best friend is taking my best qualities and habits and making them into something fake for her wardrobe, and I'm sick of watching it. It's worse than an enemy. I love her, but I want to be as far away from her as humanly possible.

One of my other best friends is hurting. And, I can't help but point out that this isn't right, because her personality is missing because she lacks the one she loves.
Yeah, I would miss Logan. I would hurt.

But it wouldn't be like this. I knew I had to be happy on my own before I could handle a relationship, so that's what I did. I became happy, over time, and THEN looked at being part of a couple.

I'm independent, is what I'm trying to say. My world doesn't revolve around things that could never happen. I stay in the present and don't look for others to point the finger at or rely on, I rely on myself because...I don't really count anyone as a real friend.

Don't get me wrong...I have friends. I have a lot.

But...they're not there when I'm having a hard time. They don't make an attempt to communicate half as much as they should, and when I try...I don't know. It seems like no one can ever follow through.

And I know sometimes I'm horrible to the people who do talk to me. It's just that, right now, I feel so damn distant from everyone, like I'm one of those followers in the bunch who just exists.

I feel like I am nothing.

I guess that's why I've been crying a lot, and having panic attacks, and just...hurting, all day. It hurts. And it's hard to rise back to a level of existence once you've decreed that you don't, in fact, exist. I keep telling myself this is just an illusion from my Winter Sadness, but this time...I just don't buy it. I need more. I need vibrancy. I need people to tell em they love me other than my boyfriend.

Even he isn't around as often as he used to be. It isn't his fault, though; he has work and school things after school and on the weekend.

And so I'm hoping that I'll be back once I maintain enough sleep. Right now, though...I just want to lay down and die. I want to scream. I want to escape.

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Summer
You are
Confusing
I need space
I need freedom
I need a fresh start
I need to want
I need to scream
I need to live apart from any other...!
And yet I need him.

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I don't even want to know what's been up with me, lately. Tonight makes the half-year mark for me and my boyfriend, but it seemed so empty. I had fun while I was there, but...

Have you ever gone somewhere and had a pretty good time, but come home devoid of the joy and fullness of a really good night? I guess that's how I'm feeling, right now.

This isn't how it should be, and I'm aware of that. I think I just need time. Sometimes, I wonder if Sarah doesn't have the right idea, with dating around. I've been having a lot of dreams about what could have been, had I not started dating him exclusively. And it sucks. Last night, I dreamed of kissing someone.

I guess this just depends on what's going on inside my mind. Maybe I'm too judgmental, or maybe I pick people who push too much on me. I don't know. It seems like I like all my exes better when we're friends. Everything's way more chill.

And I guess that's mostly what I wonder about.

But at the same time...I dunno. I wrote all this before I got my frustrations mostly out. I'm still a bit empty, but...it'll get better, I think.

I hope. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt him. (That seems like a good thing.)

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The colder my feet get...the happier I get.

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Things are...shifting. I'm not sure how to explain this. Things that I thought I'd...let go...are starting to re-enter my mind TOO much, again.


I don't know if this is just unsureness, cold feet, or what.


But I hate it.

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She's too happy.

Everyone knows there shouldn't be a limit on happiness. There isn't, not even to me, and I've felt as though I'd reached the limits, at points.

But that's only true happiness. That isn't the type I'm seeing, now. I know she's never this happy unless--

"Are you drunk?"

"Yes." She laughs like this is a joke.

"Seriously?"

"Not seriously...just a little."

I go blind. The dining room is covered in a fog, and I can't help but notice how beautiful the Christmas tree looks, with the lights glowing, all kind of becoming one big mess of color. Like shiny wrapping paper.

And then I'm quiet, staring at the ground, hoping for her to just...magically sober up. Thinking about how much I hate this. How little she knows.

"Are you sad?"

"Why do you ask?"

She sits in a stupor, trying to pinpoint a reason. "I dunno."

I don't respond.

Yes, I'm sad. I'm disappointed that you decided to get drunk on the night we open presents. You're the reason I put down my camera. You. You're the reason my eyes were trained on the ground, you're the reason I don't cry anymore when I'm upset.

I know it does nothing.

My cold is taking me over...I have to get off.

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