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How Not to Hit On People
Monday. 1.20.14 3:14 am
i.e. a typical night, when I'm not wearing the lesbian hat

I'm drunk at my favorite bar, and I know you're only in town for one night. You're a firefighter, great, and you have nice blue eyes and a fairly symmetrical face. That's fantastic, and I'm sure women look at you and think you might be a catch. But you're not, and I really don't need a refill on my vodka cranberry, because it's still two-thirds full and watered-down from the melted ice, as you may have noticed (but probably didn't, because you're flailing around like you've never seen a woman in your life). Any sort of attention would have alerted you to the fact that I'm taking my time on this particular drink. No, really, thanks but no thanks on the drink offer. No, really.

Let me teach you a lesson, Matt from New York.

You can't touch girls to get their attention. You see how my friend's older brother is telling you to leave, right now? That's because even the slightest touch says to a woman (and any male who might want her safe), "I'm aggressive and don't care whether you're comfortable or not. I would like to touch you."

Matt from New York, that is gross. You shouldn't have started out by patting my side with the back of your hand. Now, he isn't happy with you--and, even worse, your douchebaggery has caught my attention. Unfortunately for you, you're from out of town, and don't know me as the bar regular who enjoys long walks on the beach, moonlit dinners, and reaching into douchey men and pulling out their insecurities. You don't realize that me telling him that it's okay is a terrible thing for you.

Hello, Matt from New York. I'm just annoyed enough to play this out.

You ask questions that leave huge, gaping silences between us, and that is awkward, because I'm not attracted to you and would mind gazing into your eyes for long periods of time. Let me teach you how to hit on women.

"That's a closed question--you need to ask open-ended questions when you're trying to talk up a pretty lady," I tell you, dryly. Like what? Like..."What's your favorite city in the United States?"

We talk about that. You tell me that it's San Diego, and when I mention I've visited San Fran, you go into how your friends and yourself took a go-cart tour around the city, once, and how it was also nice, and I really want to take a moment, here, Matt, to mention how I was distinctly right about creative, open-ended questions and how they tend to open up conversations.

Then your friends come, and I apparently have a "bad attitude problem."

Now, Matt.


You've made another mistake. Or, more like a string of mistakes. First of all, maybe your friends should also learn to keep their hands off of the shoulders of women they've just met. I tell them, "You don't know me," and they look vaguely uncomfortable, like no woman has ever said anything like that, before, to them. You reassure them that's it's my attitude, and I agree; your friend still persists, saying, "You two look good together. ...No, really. Matt's a nice guy. Are you nice?"

"No," I tell them. I'm being serious.

Still, Matt, you stay. Obviously, you're starving for more education on the matter of women.

Here are a few things:

1. Negging is not a valid method of pickup. Women see through the "bad attitude" shaming, and, if you've found someone really bright and painfully sober (which is still pretty drunk, in this case, let's be honest, Matty), for what you're trying to do, she will only get angry.

2. Being a firefighter doesn't make you cool.

3. You and your friends are handsy and it's creepy. Tell them (and remind yourself) that, when you're hitting on someone, maybe you all shouldn't treat her--a total stranger--like family. Or a paid whore.

4. As it has been said on Orange Is The New Black: If you want to get laid, maybe pretend you're interested in that person.

This is fun, Matt from New York. Let's do this again, sometime. I'm really enjoying this.

--What? It's up to me, whether you stay or not? Well, you're here with family. I couldn't possibly. We're having so much fun, but... You know these people, and you're with someone who knows the town, Matt from New York. You should go with them so you're guaranteed a good time.

I make a lot of sense? I'm smart to say that?

Gosh thanks. My stupid little woman brains were working really hard to find a way to get you the hell out of my sights.

[fun note: My spellchecker is set to Spanish, for the semester, because I'm using that more than English, so my entries might have a fun twist in the form of misspelled words. I'm sorry!]

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Friday. 1.17.14 2:15 am
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the light
Wednesday. 1.15.14 9:15 pm
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actual happenings
Sunday. 12.22.13 3:13 am

Things I Am Actually Doing and Not a Story

1. I'm volunteering for a semester (for credit) at a local library. Basically, it involves tutoring bilingually, doing Spanish story times (coming up with a Spanish song to match the theme, reading half the book in Spanish, etc.), and translating fliers to Spanish. This library also has lap reading for babies, so in conclusion I am going to read to some random baby on my lap, this semester, for class credit. Neat. The plan, here, is to be so excellent at my job and do so much extra for them that they agree, at the end of the semester, to create a fall internship for me as the hispanohablante volunteerism intern. I'm pulling a Sherlock and creating my own job, basically, and I have a really strong feeling that they will let me get away with it.

2. There's also this internship, this summer, that I'm applying for, because it would get me overseas and working with children's education, which is kind of starting to look like a track I might dig. I was talking with inhuman, today, about how explaining things clearly has always been my forte, and that kids are drawn to me in the most overt manner, so that isn't the worry...the worry is bringing a calm, assertive leadership to the classroom and gaining respect. So, hopefully, this summer, they'll accept my application and let me come see if I can do it.

3. If not, I plan to go overseas, anyway. My friend Steve who isn't the Steve we know has friends in the Dominican Republic who can probably hook me up with something.

4. I learned to knit?? That's something, right? It's much easier than I thought it would be, so I made like three scarves within the first couple of days of knowing how, and now I'm kind of where I never want to see knitting needles ever again (at least for the next few days).

5. Also, a friend of mine used the word "date," recently, to describe something he wanted to take me on, and man I hate when that happens, because I'm flattered, and he's a great friend, but friendships are just never the same, once someone even SUGGESTS dating, so this really sucks hard. Also, I just hate having to reject someone I really love spending time with and cherish as a person.

6. The dentist informed me, recently, that I still don't have any cavities. This track record just won't stop.

7. My New Year's will be spent on a rooftop bar overlooking the city, which is...man. My hometown is a crazy pathetic place, where most people just drink because they live there and there's nothing else to do, so heading back down to campus, a few days early, and really having a memorable new year will be so nice. The past few years, I've liked spending it alone because it's sort of my reflection time, but, this year, there's no need for more reflection. I don't have romantic feelings for anyone, I'm in control of my family life, and this year was just so chock-full of personal development that it's time to celebrate.

8. Being successful and single is my dream life.

9. I am living the dream.

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