...I know I wanted this relationship over with...

But now that I'm single, I feel this big knot in my throat.

I don't regret it. And I'm looking forward to having the next couple of years to get myself straightened out. I didn't like depending on someone else to keep me sane. I don't need that. Not ever.

I think what's worse is that my best friend is hurting.
And it's my fault.
And I really can't go and comfort him like I used to be able to.



And that sucks.

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YAY.

It's not a date.

YAYAYAYAYAY.

Anyway.

Well actually.

That's really all I can think about.

Oh, all right, I have a HUUUUUGE something.

http://thesims3.ea.com/home.php?languageCode=1

Okay. I admit it. I am a complete addict.

And this is totally how I plan to spend my summer break, other than with a good book, friends, and sunlight.

You know, the normal stuffs.

Heee. :3



I have to say, though, that this whole thing with Logan is screwing me up. I talked to him again today about breaking up, and he just...MERRH! Kinda blew it off. At this rate, we're gonna be together until I'm 23!

Aaaargh!

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Wow.

So, first of all, I am SO hoping what Kevin just asked me on isn't a date.

Because I'm not ready for that.

At least not with him.

I don't know. The bell in my mind isn't ringing right with him. I don't know why. I hope I remember to come back to this blog later and read it again, because...I just have a feeling.

Eh.

Something's not right.

I guess...it's partially the fact that he's...kinda into the whole alcohol thing. And some drugs. Erh. And since both my parents are pretty bad alcoholics, I'm kinda surprised I'm so tolerant.

Probably shouldn't be. Maybe that's part of why I'm not fully there with him. I can't exactly respect someone who does things like that to have a good time. It's not cool, to me. It's not something to relax, or to party with, or...whatever. Just, whatever it's used for, these days.

I don't think it's cool. I don't think it's right.

But most of all, if you're going to do it, don't act ashamed then keep going. I've seen people quit all sorts of substances. It's not easy--hell, when is anything truly easy, other than getting office supples from Staples?--but if you're so ashamed...

Bah. I don't know.

I've totally lost the drive to date randomly, in this case. I want the guys who won't do it because it just isn't worth it, in the end.

v.v

Ah, love.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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The world's calmed down reasonably.

All my secrets are out in the open, so I don't have to worry about that, anymore. Anything yet to be exposed isn't big enough to even think about.

And the world passes by.

I spent all day looking outside, today. Got up at 10, walked around, talked to a few people casually...

It's all chill.

I'd like to take a nap, now, in fact, but I don't think I'll ever be able to get to bed in time if I do that.

But then tomorrow, things are complicated again.


I don't want to be part of this, anymore. A relationship. It's such an ugly thing, to me, because I'm still in my youth. People say that youth is wasted on the young. I don't want to waste it. I want to be able to get out and see people.

I'm afraid I've started this, though. I wish I could say that I'm the one in too deep, but I'm just waiting for my day to get out.

I hate hurting guys. Of the two genders available to hurt, I prefer hurting girls, because the cry more, and emote more often, so you get used to it, but there is nothing adjustable, for me, to a male crying. Or even a guy being upset, especially if it's because of me.

And this is my best friend.

I don't want...to hurt...my best friend. But it's to the point where I just want to be his friend.

...Oh...my...



(5:47:49 PM) Kagaboo: If a girl wears a bra to bed...she is hurting herself.
(5:47:57 PM) Kevin: :O
(5:47:59 PM) Kevin: Really?
(5:48:02 PM) Kevin: <- Doesn't know.
(5:48:19 PM) Kagaboo: First of all, wearing it all the time makes the boobs totally dependent on that support.
(5:48:24 PM) Kagaboo: They must learn self-support.
(5:48:26 PM) Kevin: :O
(5:48:27 PM) Kagaboo: -nod-
(5:48:32 PM) Kevin: Hehehe.
(5:48:39 PM) Kevin: >.>
(5:48:45 PM) Kagaboo: Plus, they say wearing underwire ones can increase your chance on cancer.
(5:48:48 PM) Kagaboo: *of
(5:48:53 PM) Kagaboo: In that general area.
(5:48:56 PM) Kevin: :O
(5:49:03 PM) Kagaboo: Now you've learned something.
(5:49:12 PM) Kevin: *nod*
(5:49:24 PM) Kevin: Amidst all the images I got.
(5:49:25 PM) Kevin: >.>
(5:49:31 PM) Kagaboo: Hahahaha.
(5:49:37 PM) Kagaboo: Dying kitties.
(5:49:39 PM) Kagaboo: Think of that.
(5:49:57 PM) Kevin: Hot to cold in an instant.
(5:50:00 PM) Kevin: Hehe.
(5:50:06 PM) Kagaboo: Nice.
(5:50:19 PM) Kevin: Hrm
(5:50:29 PM) Kevin: Reminds me of when I realized the different between briefs and boxers.
(5:50:40 PM) Kagaboo: Haha.
(5:51:09 PM) Kevin: I cant wear briefs. Even athletic supports or super tight underarmor or compression shorts. It needs to breathe :/
(5:51:23 PM) Kagaboo: See.
(5:51:27 PM) Kagaboo: Guys can still go commando.
(5:51:31 PM) Kevin: Hehe.
(5:51:38 PM) Kagaboo: And people don't notice THAT much.
(5:51:43 PM) Kevin: (Was commando with the pirate pajamas)
(5:51:43 PM) Kagaboo: But girls cannot.
(5:51:53 PM) Kevin: AARRR




AARRR indeed, Kevin. AARRR indeed.

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My family had this dog when I was little. His name was Teddy, and my parents got him when my brother was three, which was five years before my birth. He was this one big, stable thing I could grow up with and hug without feeling weird.

When I was in third grade, they started him on medicine for pain. Every once in a while he wouldn't walk, but he was all right enough, and seemed like he was in minimal pain, even off the meds. Or maybe that's what my child mind imagined.

And when I was in fifth grade, Teddy fell down the stairs, and he was in a lot of pain, so they started taking about putting Teddy to sleep. I cried, and begged, but then finally gave up and started saying my goodbyes to him. I thought he'd have a really peaceful death after a few days of the family treating him extra well, so he would go gently and without fear. But he always trusted us. That was the thing I loved most about him.

Then they decided to give him a while, because he was okay. They told me if I hadn't cried, they would have let him go then.

We cherished those few months. I did especially, because I didn't hear another word about it. I thought Teddy would stay until he walked off into the forest and hid there to die, peaceful and natural, like I thought dogs should. We went back into our normal routines.

Then, one night, he wouldn't stop howling and barking. Being a kid with sensitive hearing, I got frustrated and yelled at him extra hard so he would be quiet.

I remember that next morning, I got sick and they drove Teddy to the vet put him down. Mum came home crying, and I had to sit there and hold her while she cried.

And I guess that's the day I realized that someone has to be the rock. Someone has to hold back the tears, at least until no one else is around, so everyone else can stop crying and return to normal. When you lose something that's been around for so long, it's like finding out the sun went out a long time ago, and that we're just now losing the light--like nothing will ever be the same, and the world will just ice over, and we'll all be preserved just as we are, awaiting the return of any source of warmth in the world.

It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't yelled at him, the night before. I can never get past the question in my mind, constantly wondering whether his last minutes alive were spent thinking that he was a Bad Dog. And I think if I could do it again, I would give up those few months and let him die with everyone around him being happy and peaceful, right up until the very moment his last breath passed.

The moral of the story is that sometimes when you get second chances you shouldn't take them, because they could lead to something worse than the first chance, and sometimes you don't get second chances, and that sometimes, that's okay.

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