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Tuesday. 3.18.14 11:03 pm

She isn't well-liked in general, and it's already so hot and humid that everyone is just done with each other, for the day. In fact, it's been a really off week in general; it seems like there is always some minor spat that turns into a line of gossip, and I feel like our steady little familial infrastructure has collapsed completely.

But she's in the breezeway, crying, because she's frustrated with us, and she's still reeling from her recent breakup, on top of it...and you don't let people cry alone, because it isn't right.

"Come here."

And the person that no one really likes very much becomes very likable to me, suddenly, when she collapses into a hug like she's been waiting a while for it.

We are all just giant babies. Except those who really avoid touching (and I mean phobias and major anxiety issues), the instinct to need to be held, once we've passed a certain emotional line, is still alive and well. I forget that, sometimes. Even though my first reflex is to support and cuddle...well, reflexes are thoughtless, and I forget that people need that affirmation, the affection, the...simple presence of someone who wants you to feel better.

Her falling into that hug was a kick in the gut, because I forgot how much people need to be able to fall into hugs, every once in a while. If you have the physical and emotional ability, hug sad people. Hug happy people. Do not hug angry people.

This has been a public service announcement.

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sleepless rambles
Monday. 3.17.14 3:18 am

It's three in the morning and my recent concussion has done nothing but make me sleep so much that, now, I'm devoid of that very ability.

I haven't done all of my homework, and that's because I really don't want to do it. My friend, Roysean, and I got lunch and dessert, yesterday, and--after a long talk on the uselessness of a credit minimum requirement for graduation (and him disagreeing)--he told me that I am essentially a female Steve (Steve being someone you guys don't know, but a very good friend of mine).

This was hilarious, because Steve and I actually did talk about the useless nature of higher education (as it currently stands, at most institutions in the US; I still stand firmly that formal education is highly important for the majority of individuals living what is considered a "typical" life). More hilarious than that, we'd actually talked about what we would be like as the opposite gender, and I told Steve that I couldn't imagine him as a woman, because he just has such a calm and masculine nature.

Then Roy comes along and tells me that I'm female Steve, which makes me really look back on why I said Steve couldn't be a lady.

At least he bought me ice cream first.

...I tend to forget how much I enjoy being around certain people until I'm actually there in the moment. I get frustrated with Roy a lot because he's the opposite of me in a lot of ways; I'm very straightforward, whereas he deeply enjoys making things tediously difficult. Even the smallest decision turns into a daunting battle against his own modesty and concern that other people won't like the choice he's charged with making for them. I end up picking where we eat, rather often. It only bothers me because I like to try new things, and having other people pick is one great way of accomplishing that.

Still, we talked for a good six hours, that day, which was refreshing, even though I'd just spent two hours on the phone with Steve, the night before. They keep my mind busy, and they're honest about it when they see me slipping. Roy straight up told me that my arguing style has gotten weaker...and I don't know that I can judge myself on it, anymore. He threw me, with that one.

...Tomorrow is going to be a short day, and I'm going to be very excited for a nap.

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Sunday. 3.16.14 2:24 am

(Guys middaymoon is in my college town. He's only a fifteen-minute walk away. I can creep on him once again!)

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the magical effects of sunlight and fresh air
Sunday. 3.9.14 10:44 pm

I feel like I should blog about something, but there just isn't too much that I really want to say, lately.

I've been getting better about my bipolar episodes, but it's...an uphill battle, to say the least. Trying to tell the difference between sincere happiness and a manic episode, in the moment, is so difficult that I find myself getting upset at my own (sincere) joy, sometimes, just because it's a little *too* happy, for me. When I start to get depressed, it's scary, and confusing--and feels inevitable, to an extent, even though it really isn't, if I just get on the offensive against that crushing feeling of emptiness.

I woke up, this Thursday, and just didn't get out of bed. Same with Friday. Saturday, I made sure to open my blinds and eat regular food, and, today, I made sure that I had plans so I had to leave the house, because it was starting to hit "that point."

My friend Kim and I walked these trails near her house, for a while. I don't know how far we walked, but it felt like a good distance, by the way my legs were sore in that nice, worked-muscle way. The weather was perfect, too; I was able to hike around in a tank top and jeans, and there wasn't a single cloud in the sky. We walked over small bridges surrounded by marshland and tall grass, and through dirt paths shaded by the twisted old, southern trees, covered in Spanish moss and green as a summer day. It was peaceful. Ideal. Even though Kim and I don't always see eye-to-eye, it was good just being able to get out into nature with someone else who actually likes nature. My other friends, down here, are great, but I'd need handcuffs and duct tape to get them to sleep in a tent.

Speaking of the outdoors, I finally signed myself up for a sailing class. It's going to run through the prettiest time of the year, so I'll be out on the water, for several hours, every day, just learning how to take a sailboat out. After this class, I can take the intermediate in the fall, then rent out the campus sailboats, whenever I like, for a day out on the water.

How perfect is this summer going to be?

Perfect. Super perfect.

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