Saturday. 7.28.07 7:05 pm
Now I KNOW Seth and I are headed towards Nowheresville. In a conversation, I get "lol" to everything I say. Even when I'm being serious. It's like everything I say is a joke.
Maybe I've become too serious, though. It doesn't seem like that happy, bubbly person I was will come back. I mean, I crashed and burned, almost a year ago, and I haven't come back from that. Maybe a little, but not fully.
I have help, though. My friends are usually wide open to being there for me, even if I sometimes feel a tad bit neglected. I suppose that's normal--I neglect them, too. I've made a lot of new friends, too, in weird places. It doesn't matter where they are, or where we met, though. They're there.
Especially Kevin, though I'm not sure we're really friends, yet. I count him as one (shh), since I've told him quite a bit, and he's done the same. It's healthy to have guy friends, I'm finding, because--when you choose ones who aren't interested in anything but friendship--they are flippin' THERE for me. They have advice, opinions, and are really comforting. I kind of find myself hoping that guys overpower the amount of girl friends I have, since a lot of them are beginning to be...well, noticeably flaky and judgmental. I've never had a long conversation with a girl, unless it's Sarah. And Sarah is just...amazing. She's my best friend in the whole world. Kierra, in eighth grade came really close to changing that, and she still is my best friend, too, but we haven't spoken. D: It's really unfortunate, and I still think about her TONS.
It's so funny how normal people are lifting me back up into living. I never thought I'd find myself sitting up at five in the morning chatting with Logan, or that I'd be inviting Emily bowling, or....any of this! And suddenly, I feel a lot better, just talking to people who seem to be on the same wavelength.
It doesn't take much to make me happy, I guess. I like to think it isn't ignorance to the world around me. I know what's going on, which is good, but I've accepted that this is my life until I'm old enough to make it something else.
I'm sort of proud of this. There's nothing I can do, so why would I fret?
Anyway, that's it for now. I'll write whenever I think to.
Here's the Thing
Friday. 7.20.07 7:37 pm
I really, really like NuTang, right? It's a good place to hang out where not a lot of people I know will find me, away from the hustle and bustle of crappy MySpace and such.
But I really love xanga.
I KNOW! A traitor am I. The most treacherous or the sort, to fully admit it.
And yet there is a problem with xanga.
I cannot stop writing blogs, there. In the past four days, I have written close to twenty.
It is horrifying.
So, in my news...I guess I'm happy. Or, content, at least. I've been talking a lot to Seth; he admitted that he likes me, and I actually kind of think I like him. I think I'd still prefer to just be friends, as tense as that may get, at times. I just don't want this to develop into something bad that might hurt us, in the long run. I'm sick of that crap.
So that makes me pretty sure that I'm only going for people I'm sure about, from now on.
Otherwise...it's been quiet, around here. Mike, my brother, came back and is living with us for a while, which I don't mind, because he's usually pretty quiet, other than his jerkier moments.
He does tend to obsess over technology. Today, he couldn't find a wireless connection in our house, so he wandered around the downstairs, staring at his DS for any sight of a signal.
It was funny, seeing him pass back and forth through the hallways.
He finally gave up and took my internet connection and modified it.
Ugh, so tired.
Tuesday. 7.10.07 7:20 pm
Monday. 7.9.07 4:57 am
I never expected to actually miss being in China. I mean, all those times I complained about not wanting to go? Absolutely how I felt, right up until I entered the country. And then there was energy. I suddenly had an ambition to be there, a need to live like the locals lived, to really understand the language.
And so I guess it's not so crazy that I teared up a little, that last day, when I was folding clothes and looking out the big hotel window. I was leaving a place, possibly permanently, that I love.
But now I'm home.
I'm not so horribly thrilled to be back. Only a few select people brought me back across the border without a struggle. They may know who they are, they may not Some, I have to doubt have any idea.
Tiredness is taking over my body, again. It's five in the morning, and I was planning on just dealing with the rest of the day, by now. But NOOOOOOO.
Stupid sleep cycle. dwslfjkasdjfa.
I miss China.
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