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Crazy like a bedbug!
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Thursday. 6.7.07 11:42 pm

Never because she's fucking insane.
Never because she's always belittling me.
Never because of whatever.

Nope. Always my fault.

Somehow I'm the insane one, that always twists things around.

Somehow it's because I'm "always on the computer," and "don't get enough sleep." (what the fuck else am I going to do here? It's not like I'm allowed to do anything) Never mind that when I'm at school, I get the same amount of sleep and spend the same amount of time on the computer. "Oh, you must be getting enough sleep and not 'playing' on the computer as much, you sound less stressed" I SOUND LESS STRESSED BECAUSE I'M NOT AT HOME!

Somehow, it's because I take what the people on the internet say "seriously." (Why the fuck would I care what some person I don't even know has to say?) I'm always crying when I'm online. Never when she's around, just when I'm online. How that works, I don't know. If I always cry when I'm online, then I must be online a lot... I mean, seriously. Why care what some loser on the internet says? They're not family. They're not the people that are supposed to care about me, love me, and all of that other stuff.

It's always my fault. ALWAYS.

She "only wants the best".

She "only is looking out for me".

Never because she starts shit, gets me upset, and then comes back to rub it in.

Never because I grew up always hearing I was fat.

Never because I grew up always being compared to anyone.

Never because I wasn't allowed to do anything.

Oh, now I'm fucking possessed.

Oh no, It's NEVER their fault. ALWAYS MINE.

Oh, now I can talk to her. I've never been able to talk to her, she's always pulled the negative out of whatever it was I was saying, and harped on it. ALWAYS.

I can talk to her, sure, and she won't ever shut up about whatever it is I talked about.

She says not to let others upset me. Other people don't upset me. Just her and her stupidity. I can't remember the last time someone that wasn't her upset me. Aside from that stupid teacher over the summer... but I don't care about him, because he's just a teacher. Who gives a shit about him.

I come home, I try to be happy, I try to be nice, I try to be polite and courteous, and I get treated like shit.


I'm always the one that's insane, I'm always the one that's irrational, I'm always the one being ridiculous. Me.

I'm the one with demons that needs to be prayed for. Of course, it's always me.

It's my fault I'm can't go anywhere, and if I do, I can't go by myself or with friends.

It's my fault I'm fat.

It's my fault that I wanted to go to a good school.

It's my fault I didn't want to end up like everyone else in this dead-end piece of shit town.

It's my fault I want something for myself in life, and am trying to move on and not be like her.

It's my fault the house is falling apart. Yes, I'm always home and can fix anything! I can take apart the house, and reassemble it, down to the last molecule! With my hands! Blindfolded! While I'm in school, even!

It's my fault there are boxes of her shit around. I'm to blame that she can't file, and keep up with things. I'm the reason her car is so trashy. Yes, everything in her car belongs to me.

It's my fault that I was the first born, so when she set up all of her financial dealings, they were made POD to me. It's my fault that my brother was born 7 years after me, and she's been too lazy to go and have things switched over.

It's my fault she has so many bills. I didn't tell her to buy an extra house, a random building, chunks of property... She pays my tuition twice a year, and any "necessities" that I might need, like ink or phone time. It comes to be a decent amount, sure, but at the rate she's always complaining, I may as well drop out.

It's my fault she works so much. Sure, she's paying my tuition. I appreciate that, I do. Then all she does is bitch at me about everything! I go away to school, I come home, I get bitched at for my hair. My weight. My clothes. If it can be bitched about, it is.

It's my fault that I actually care enough to come home, even though I know I'll get shit, end up depressed, and not eat. Oh yes, I'm never home, ever, and I'm so horrible for wanting a summer job not in town. I can have a job doing her work.

It's my fault she never does her work. She has a "9 to 5", but takes off for hours at a time, going gallivanting about town. Then she bitches "ZOMG DON'T GO THAT WAY THEY MIGHT SEE ME." Then she bitches at me that I don't do her work, that she gets paid to do. She lets the house fall apart, but then bitches at me that it needs to be repaired.

It's my fault she compares me to everyone else. Why can't I have a job like Dave or Debi? Why do I have to go away for school? Why can't I be like so and so? Why can't I do this? Why can't I do that? I bet Dave does all the work his parents want him to do without leaving early. I bet so and so does this, I bet so and so does that. Even when I was younger "so and so's kid did this that and other". Oh, but wait, she's NEVER compared me to anyone. EVER. It's all in my head, I'm insane. Yes. That must be it. All in my head, crazy Jessica, always the victim. Always. Crazy Jessica, always upset, it's all her fault, she's making it up.

It's my fault that when I was little, she told me things like "Solitaire is the devil's game, you'll go to hell if you play it", or tried to scare me with "Do you want to be listening to that when Jesus comes?" Yes. She's not the cause of any of my problems at all. Nope. All my fault. Always. I'm the crazy one, I'm the one with problems.

It's my fault that they treated my brother like an angel. He gets away with murder. He won't go away, doesn't shut up, doesn't listen...doesn't get called fat for so much as looking at something edbile... but again it's all my fault, I'm the one that makes everyone look so bad in my eyes, I'm the one that plays the victim. I'm the horrible person. Yup, that's me. Jessica Horrible. The victim.

It's my fault that she says shit that upsets me. It's my fault that she says all of this ridiculous crap, and then tries to act like she's talking about someone else, or I misunderstood her. It's always my fault that she lies. That she is always so bitchy, and then comes to rub it in and won't go away. It's always my fault... I'm such a horrible person, I deserve to be so upset. I deserve to be in such a mood. Since it's all in my head, I deserve everything that I get. I'm such a horrible, awful person, obviously my life is horrid because of such. I'm the cause of all of my problems, always.

She says I don't have to put up with crap. I shouldn't be distressed and unhappy she says. God didn't want us to be unhappy. THEN WHY THE HELL DO I KEEP COMING HOME?! She keeps telling me "I'm above" whatever it is that causes me stress. She keeps blaming my problems on the computer and the internet. Never herself. Never anyone around here. Oh no. It's all in me. My fucked up head.

THEN SHE GOES ON SPOUTING RELIGIOUS BULLSHIT!!! To be so fucking religious, she sure is a fucking hypocrite. She's always been like that. I'm go great, I listen to gospel music! I'm so great, I "believe" in god! I'm so awesome, god fixes all of my problems! Then why the fuck is she such an awful person? No "god" would let anyone be like that.

She claims to be SOOOO supportive. Yeah, financially. I haven't talked to her about anything "serious" in years, because I don't trust her. I haven't hugged her in forever, because she disgusts me so. But yet, this is all my fault. Of course. She says I can talk to them about anything, but they never pay attention, and when they do, just to the negatives, which they never shut up about. Why should I talk to them?

She always claims to be sooo concerned. My dad calls. I don't feel like saying hi. I can't really talk right now. So she's telling him "I don't want to talk to him", like I'm the bad person. Like I'm mad at him or something. I'm not, I just can't talk right now, I've been crying that much. It's all in my head. Always. I'm just that horrible, awful a person.

All I want to know is what I've done to deserve this? That's all. Was it that I was born? If I die, will it stop? Or will they come to my grave everyday and continue to bitch at me? Would they be at my funeral, over my casket, bitching that I can't die, they have sooo much for me to do, their paperwork, house repairs, and other crap? I'm certain they would be. They wouldn't be sad at all, no, just upset, because I'm not here to be their mule.

I know!
OMG! Ahhh! Argh! It's soooooo frustrating. I wanna wring her little neck, but no, no, I can't. I have to settle down and rage in my own head for a while, drive myself insane. Then, reason myself not to blow, but God knows how many times I've blown already and it's never been enough or at it's fullest.
Bottom line: I get it. Graaaah! *fume*
» Silver-dot- on 2007-06-07 11:53:01

awww T-T
thats what my mom does too... but not that extreme.. makes me feel better ^^ but hope you try to work it out. maybe think of it her way? but maybe you cant.. from how you put it... she sounds really horrible.. like those evil stepmoms in manga >.< *reads waaaaaaaayyyy too much manga* cant you just tell her no? arent you already an adult... and if she's gonna complain about paying your tuition, why does she pay it???
my mom says she wont pay for mine.. so i said ill work and get scholoships >.
» crz4manga on 2007-06-08 12:23:21

yeh. find a way to get rid of her. like maybe murder her a million times. o. wait. u can't get away w that. and she'll still ruin ya life. try for a scholarship and move to a dorm? not sure if that'll work out tho
» merrick on 2007-06-08 12:29:09

then the best thing to do is maybe never go home. if you have no regrets, no reason to go home, dont go home. tell her why you wont go home over the phone, and if she starts bitching, then hang up ^^
» crz4manga on 2007-06-08 12:40:12

wow, so that's why you didn't want to go home, huhn? Your mom sounds even worse than Ranor's. You need to let her insanity slide off of you like a duck's back. 'Cept that's really hard when it's actually your MOM we're talking about. Chin up, soldier, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. And sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you.
---insert other sayings of great wisdom here---
» Zanzibar on 2007-06-08 09:17:14

You're not like everyone else because you're you. And in my opinion you're a darn good person who should tell her were to shove her opinions.

That is neat that you still have your pillow person. I think that mine got left at dads house. When Roxanne took over, they threw ALL of my stuff away and then gave the room to my stepbrother.
» money4blogging on 2007-06-08 09:21:20

Um... there's always the old "if there's something wrong with the child, it's the parent's fault" excuse, but I don't know if that would work too well....
» randomjunk on 2007-06-08 01:45:28

aww? you know sometimes people blame others because they have a hard time admitting THEY are wrong. Just know in your heart and mind that you are not ALWAYS at fault. It takes two people to disagree and two people to have an arguement. You can only be wrong 50% of the time. Besides... we all LOVE you. HANG IN THERE GIRL!!
» kKaMa67 on 2007-06-08 02:07:37

if nothing works.. then i cant help T-T sorry T-T just live through it?
» crz4manga on 2007-06-08 07:20:51

Is there any way you could just avoid returning? I've never had it easy being home, even though there are some things I like about it, but now that I'm living by myself in Norfolk, life has become much more bearable. Granted, it comes with aggravating, annoying things, but aggravation for sanity is a workable trade, methinks.

And if you can't leave, we can kill them all. I know a good place to hide bodies.
» DarkDragonKnight on 2007-06-09 03:46:40

The only solution I can really think of is not returning home, and if you must, then do it for as short a stay as possible. To get her completely off her back though, you'll have to find a way to pay for your own tuition, that way she can't use that excuse.
» Le_Jes on 2007-06-09 09:33:54

stop swearing
can you stop fucking cussing its getting annoying bitch
» Kevin ( on 2007-07-21 11:33:24

Rather amusing message
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» Ellsworth ( on 2010-09-02 07:31:15



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