Am I really living right now? Sure as hell doesn't feel so... Every waking moment is just so agonizing... I never wanted to experience happiness if it was to be taken away so abruptly.

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I've been having so many dreams, but I don't really remember them. But, its so amusing when i'm reminded of them throughout the day! Like, i was watching a part of City of Angles (nothing else was on) and that part where the guy jumped in the ocean reminded me that i had a dream about surfing. Then, i was on Chris's profile "ispiltwateronmyspacebarsodon'tlaugh", and that reminded me of the dream i had about my laptop getting drenched in water. Also...the time when i spilled water on my laptop at harvard and didn't have z's x's, or c's. My life is so boring, even something like this is exciting to me. Ahh man, i'm messed up right now

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Ahhh. I'm so tired of not meeting any new people. Its so sad. There's just not any oppertunities to meet other people outside of school, and even if there were, I wouldn't have much time left with them anyways. (I learned from my mistakes) This is so frustrating. I feel like i'm just stuck in between two stages of my life...stalled. I can't wait until college.

I don't think about him much anymore, but I keep having dreams of him. In them, he's always hurting me in some way and I wish they would stop. Because of the ways things became after we broke up, my love has become hate. How could anybody suck so much as a person?

I started reading 1984 agian today and guess what? I saw a old superbowl commercial for Apple/ MAC. The scene in the beginning when the two minutes Hate starts and the sheeplike Goldstein appears on the screen...that scence was in the commercial and a girl throws and ax at the screen. Then it says something like MAC is coming out in 1984, not to be confused with the book 1984. I thought it was amazing. Go Apple $$$

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This week has been so melancholy. It comes in waves. I just stare at his sn...stare at my phone...I want to but I can't and its so agonizing. *sigh* Do you ever think of me like i always think of you? Everyday, I wonder what what you're doing, what you're feeling. Every laugh, every moment i wish i could share with you.

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Last period French class isn't so bad after all, its actually fun at times...can't beleive i'm saying that, hehe. Me, Em and Kate went to see Phantom of the Opera tonite. I really liked it, but it made me cry...yea, brought up memories. I was a bit disapointed though because i wanted her to end up with the other guy (trying not to give it away). The music is so powerful, gave me chills, in a good way.

I don't know what to do. Not only do I love someone who doesn't love me, someone likes me, but i don't feel the same way. It also makes me upset knowing that he felt this way while me and Steve were together, and he convinced me to make that phone call that made everything, my life, go to hell. How am I suppose to get over that? Even if could, still. Oh well, no use worrying over it. A week from now, he'll look back and be like "what was i thinking." All guys are like that.

I got into BU!!! I think i've written about it already though... so excited about college!

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I've been having dreams about him all week. He's always just appearing for an instant and then disappears... Then when I wake up, it makes me so upset. It makes me think how he can just complely erase me from his thoughts and not care at all about me anymore. Everytime I think about it...it hurts. I wish I had an explaination. Guys are so callous. I hate them. yet...*sigh*

I'm excited about getting in BU. I love Boston and I think i'll be really happy there. I don't think I would go to Tufts or Cornell is i got in. I won't get sophmore standing there like i will in BU. School has been tolerable lately, which is surprising. I hope it will stay that way. Four months till graduation...

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