Passively lonely. I hate it but embrace it at the same time.

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I was at the gym today, and this aged african america janiter came up to me and said "You're such a beautiful lady" with such sincerity. It's amazing how just one little thing could brighten up my day. I hope I brightened up his day too. We talked for a bit, he use to be homeless.

I don't think it is ever truly possible to recover from a broken heart, especially from a first love. I'd like to believe that I'll find someone else better, but i've come to the realization that it would be impossible. I will always be comparing other people to Steve because he set the ideal for everything that I see perfect in the way love feels and in a soulmate. How and where we met, the time we spent together, the words we spoke, his personality, his smile, his voice, his touch...all could never be experienced again as perfect as with him. Nothing compares to you.

Alright, I'm not going to be writing about him anymore from now on...

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I wish i had never started this journal because then maybe i would not have met Steve. There are still so many things i don't know, so many things i want to ask, i still feel like theres no closure. Its wierd, at times i think i'm over it, but at times i'm crying no matter how public the place is.

Thinking back, i was really immature to think that it would work out. But i thought that maybe meeting each other agian, with summer, holidays, and spring break, would bring us together agian. Plus, bryn mawr isn't that far away from cmu. My world was turned over so fast. I was planning, getting things ready for jan. Telling my friends how great he was. Now i'm spending my christmas with my heart in pieces.

Everyday i've been dragging myself around like a shell of a person. I feel dead. I can't stop crying, i can't concentrate on anything else, all i do is lie in bed crying. The thing i'm still really upset about is the timing. Why now, why not earlier, why before christmas, why when i called him, why in just a 5 minute phone call? How did we go from planning to meet each other agian, to this?

I hate harvard, i hate thier dorms, i hate summer school, i hate rain, i hate starbucks, i hate the internet/aim, i hate harvard trees, i hate annenburg, i hate finagle bagle, i hate the coop, i hate the fantasy book store, i hate the T, i hate the movie theater, i hate spiderman 2, i hate renting movies, i hate the porter exchange, i hate little green frogs, i hate music, i hate ipods, i hate japanese food, i hate japanese lanuguage, i hate anime, i hate orange shirts, i hate happiness, i hate life, i hate promises, i hate relationships, i hate getting hurt. But the one person that ties all these things together, i still love.

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Yay, I finally got my laptop back!

I was driving back from school today and I have to say, I HATE CRAZY GIRLS IN M3's. Don't drive blatently reckless!!!

Hoobastank concert is tomorrow at 8, House of Blues Myrtle Beach. I'm really excited. I don't like Hoobastank that much, but anything different in my mundane life is good, plus i'm going with edie.

Ok, going to bed

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I couldn't sleep at all last night. I was totally killing myself over something, but now, I pretty sure I know what i should do now. I haven't had the chance to tell him yet. I have a feeling it won't be so bad, from what i've seen, he might even be happy that i''ve decided not to go visit.


So, It was getting almost 4am and I wanted to do something to keep my mind off of it, so I hot waxed my snowboard using my mom's iron...stupid. The wax went went in the steam holes so now i need to get my mom another $100+ iron. Sux. Looking on the brighter side, my snowboard is perfectly waxed for speeding down and slopes of Snowshoe Mtn. Bah...but i'm sticking with regular rub on wax.

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Man, i'm so stoked! My mom and her friend has agreed to take me snowboarding for three whole freakin days at Snowshoe! I don't have to drive! Ahh man, this is going to be so awesome!

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