I knew my ED would come back to haunt me agian. It had already been a little over two years though, and i thought i was going to be one of the lucky few, that it wouldn't come back agian. Eh, i know this is my journal, but i shouldn't be writing any more about his anyways.

I feel like my thoughts are pulling me back and forth, and i'm starting to become an insomiac agian over this. I just don't know what to do. Stay or move on, go or don't go, do or don't, right or wrong, yes or no. Theres no middle, like say a maybe. Is there a such thing as maybe? I don't think so...its mostly like, i think one way, and then my thoughts convince myself to think the other way. In the end, theres no compromise, no maybe. Actually, maybe is when you've already made up your mind. I think i'm slowly going crazy.

I've been hallucinating lately. No, I'm not getting high. Hallucinations are normal, u get them hundreds of times a day, but some are just stronger. When you want to see or hear something so very much, your brain turns what i see or hear into something you want really wish to. Thats whats been happening with me. Its so disappointing finding out that is not really real though. It makes me sad.

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Journals are really wierd. I write what i'm feeling at the time, but when i think about it and look at it later, i ask myself "why did i say that?" or "what was i thinking?" So, basically, in a way, i only mean what i write at the moment i'm writing.

Today was great. We had a mind blowing discussion in chem today. Eli did his senior project presentation about sight and perception, it was awesome. Cones rods and colorblindness. He also put two cameras together next to each other to imitate the eyes, and created a vurtual reality tv box. A 20 min argument could have been prevented if we only knew from the beginning that electrons actually convert the protons into nuetrons, therefore the mass does not change. That is were the proton went! So...theoretically, elements can be changed into other elements! Theoretically. I love chem.

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Feeling sick from having the heater on all day, and also tired from not getting enough sleep. I'm not staying up late anymore. His 10:30 is my 11:30.

What's the point of having a phone when it's never on or voice message if calls are never returned. I'm just frustrated in many ways... The plane ticket prices have already gone up about $40 and his quietness is giving me hints. Grrr, its so frustrating. This lack of communication...i can't read minds. I can only read actions, or lack of them....and words i try to trust that are so few.

I have 3 SAT IIs on saturday and i don't remember shit about calc or bio. I just want to scream and lay in bed crying myself to sleep. How pathetic is it that i can't let go of a person that will probably always hurt me without even realizing it. Right now, all I can do is to just keep it inside and pretend I'm alright.

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TIRED TIRED TIRED! I'm been driving all day. At least i finally figured out the system. Okay, there are 3 ways you can get pulled for speeding.

1. You pass a police car going the same direction
2. They surprise you from behing by coming in from an exit
3. They wait in the median

So, say you're driving/speeding and you past a police car going the opposite direction, don't worry, they can't jump the median because there is a gate thing in between. So they radio another car to wait in the areas of the median where there is no gate, which on I40, is always right before and after an overpass about 95% of the time. So, if you're observant enough to not pass a cop car, not to speed while they are behind you or near an overpass where there is a cop car is waiting, you can speed all you want without getting caught.

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I'm so glad i got to know T. At first, I didn't really like him, but after spending some good neighborly time together eating junk food and playing video games, we really bonded as friends. Today, he got me Halo 2, and he hasn't even gotten one for himself, awww. So, I just wanted to devote this post to saying thank you lots! You made my day.

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Okay, I have to confess. What have I been doing this past Thanksgiving weekend? Playing xbox and playstation with my neighbor T. I swear, those games are so freakin addictive. I love the Return of the King, playing Legolas and shooting mad arrows, haha. The olephant part was really fun...u have to stay together in a group...gimly with ax...and...you can play Gandalf. The only thing i didn't understand is that you get Frodo...who would want Frodo? I also palyed half-life...awesome graphics. Halo 2 was even better than the first, didn't know that could be possible. Today, i was sitting in class wishing i could be home killing orcs. Whats going on?!

Well, I've been playing games a lot, but my mom has also just got me a Gold's Gym membership as a late b-day gift. Its so cool, they have little individual tv screens on each treadmill it doesn't smell as bad as like the MAC.

Damn, i have to present my senior project in front of Holden's class and i haven't practiced yet, better get to that soon. See ya

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