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ColdRush
Age. 36
Gender. Female
Ethnicity. Chinese/Southeast Asian
Location Wilmington, NC
School. Univ of NC at Chapel Hill
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March 2024

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Shout Outs
C is for cookie
by thaitanic
That’s good enough for me
Hello there
by Zanzibar

by randomjunk
Hello hello
Hello!?
by undisputed

by AmbyrJayde
I like to show up every once in a while to see what everyone is up to
Great to see that! my browser
by CPKviperpheonix
treats every blog including my own like it*s a unsafe page so finding it hard to explore around currently tho

by randomjunk
Hi CPK! Not a lot of people still here, but I still hang around haha.
Well, hello everyone!
by CPKviperpheonix
Hope everyone is doing good, nice to see familiar faces still hanging around

by randomjunk
Hi Lost!

by LostSoul13
*fly by hello*

by randomjunk
Yeah if you just do one word sometimes that works.
I feel like the comment
by Zanzibar
has to be really short and not have any apostrophes

by renaye
oh dear. the comment is really not working.

by randomjunk
I*m not sure why comments work sometimes and don*t other times... Sometimes it works if it*s just a short comment though
Known y*all for 15+ yrs!
by Silver-dot-
That*s insane. Btw how did you leave a comment???
Sunday. 10.10.04 8:20 pm
Lizzie: [Peter has just snuck into Lizzie's bedroom though the 2nd floot window] Thank Goodness you didn't go through the wrong window.
Peter: I did. Your dad's a very quick shag.

I just saw Wimbledon tonight with Edie and I wish Em could've gone too. I'm a bit surprised that it was actually pretty good for a romantic comedy, maybe because it was also a /sports movie. I can't wait to see Meet the Fockers, it comes out around christmas, and Bridget Jones comes out near my b-day.

God, i don't want to go to school tomorrow! Why are we in school on Columbus Day, it should be a day of reflection upon his heinous acts of genocide and greed.

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Words that make me feel warm and fuzzy inside
Sunday. 9.5.04 10:03 pm
Mae, i love you so much more than you could ever realize.... And i hope we'll find some way to be together... You are always in my heart and in my dreams.... Love, Steve

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places
Saturday. 9.4.04 6:16 pm
Theres still so many places i really really want to visit in my lifetime, but don't know when i will be able to.

ChaoZhou- Its in the GuangDong province and i think about 100 miles from Hong Kong. Its the hometown of both my grandfathers and the dialect of chinese that we speak at home. Its a very small and rural with lots pf pretty temples.

Viet Nam- I was born in Saigon(i still call it that) and i grew up in a refugee camp in Song Be. The term refugee camp is misleading. It was a really nice and pleasent place. The government payed for our house and we didn't even need to have jobs. *sigh* this is bringing back so many memories. We also visited Saigon a lot because thats where the everything is, hospitals and government/ emmigration places. I also want to go to Yungdao, a beach with lots of black rocks sticking out of the water (no surfing there, needless to say). Our family and neighbor's family went there when i was about 2 or 3 and i cried the whole time cause i was afraid of the water.

Cambodia- Kratie was my mother's hometown and Kampungcham was my fathers hometown. My mom's family owned a supermarket and was very wealthy, but both my parents had to flee to Vietnam because of Pol Pot and his Kmer Rouge Regime and genocide. But they met each other in vietnam. Their relationship was mostly through letters, hehe. My dad can write chinese really really good

Houston- Where Steve is now...the closest out of all the places i would like to visit yet it's still furthest away, as far as an eternity.

There are so many other places i would love to visit, but these four would mean the most to me.

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I LOVE HISTORY! Somethings happens, then st else h
Wednesday. 9.1.04 7:21 pm
7/2
"I called in to get my ap scores, and to my complete surprise, i got a 4 on all 3.

7/4
"I just found out that i might want to be a bit more careful with what i write in here, cause this site is acually google searchable!"

7/6
"Its so wierd, eversince i talked to "mystery guy", everywhere i go i'm wondering if thats him. I'm kinda enjoying the whole mysteriousness of it all."

7/9
"Serendipidy, such an inredible word.... is not just a lucky accident as it is popularily defined. It actually means when you're looking for something, but come across something so much better."

7/12
"anyways...i'm suppose to meet Steve...you know.."mystery guy" sometime this week. All last night i was thinking, man, what have i gotton myself into? I'm going to be so freakin nervous, because the meeting seems rather...contrived, kinda wierd and awkward. It wouldn't be half as bad if we had been able to meet under other circumstances, oh well, at least i'm not the only one that's nervous, hehe."

7/22
"i'm trying to find words to describe how great tonite was.....but i'm at a complete utter lost for words! Its feeling beyond feeling, beyond magical ....thats all i can say..."

7/30
"Can fate happen twice...maybe it won't be done with us yet...idk....sometimes i feel neive for saying this. I can't help it though because my feelings are really deep and rooted. I feel like i've already been so lucky to have met him that all my luck has been used up. The more i think about, the more I realize how surreal everything is. "

8/2
"The left shift and z x c keys don't work n e more. "( andy grams, hehe)
"Oh yea. another topic: WATER, does it have TASTE?"

8/5
"I've never been so happy in my life. It's surprising...the most special person i've met so far in my life has given me hope that [love] does exist and along with it, i'm experiencing the most fulfilling times of my life. I wish we would never have to part, but even if we do, the impact he has had on me is so great that the echos will remain forever deep inside my heart"

8/6
"I just got that really aweful feeling of when u realize something and it just hits you all at once. This is our last week and i feel like my heart is being suffocated and crushed, hard to breathe...I know by far that parting will be the most difficult and painful thing i will overcome for far in my life"

8/7
"I feel so happy today! Instead of having to wait till after class to see Steeve, we had breakfast together this morning. He looks so cute in the mornings after just waking up. I don't know what it is, his face is a little puffy and has this sorta cute messy look."

8/8
"Wow, 6 weeks has gone by so fast...It feels so wonderful knowing that by seeing Steve, even for the shortest period of time, and getting to feel him close to me, makes my whole day complete and worthwhile...lived to the fullest."

8/12
"I'm in such a confused state...i don't know what to say, what to do, how to act....how to say goodbye...i don't know anything anymore. I feel so scatter brained."

8/19
"So much effort is put just in getting by each day. I miss the way his eyes close and create a crescent moon shape when he laughs or smiles, i miss the way he use to always blow on my face, i miss holding his hand, i miss his scent, i miss listening to music with him, i miss tickleing each other and our little wrestling fights, i miss holding him close to me...letting out a big breath and thinking how lucky and how happy i am being with him."

8/22
"Time goes by so agonizingly slow...I'm beginning to realize that how much i've been missing him is only the shallow surface compared to how much time...every minute, every hour...makes me miss him even more. I can't even say miss...things you miss you can live fine without, but this is different..."

8/31
"...in a reminiscent mood"
"From now on, i'm going to make an extra effort to become more optimistic!"

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Tuesday. 8.31.04 9:55 pm
From now on, i'm going to make an extra effort to become more optimistic!

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life
Tuesday. 8.31.04 1:15 pm
I questioned myself why i keep an online journal. The answer is, its easier for me to type than write and out of all the numerous paper journal's i've maybe started writing only a page or 2 in, i can't find any of them. I can't lose this...unless the site messed up or something.

These past few days have been pretty uneventful. Its been back to my routine boring life agian. I find myself experiencing various moods throughout the day:
1. 6:00am Wake up: filled with anxiety if i'm not thoroughly prepared for class, but pretty much dread about starting the day
2. 7:30 Lyceum: Cherest's AP Env- hella bored and sleepy
Creamer's AP US- attentive but a bit intimidated
Talbert's Hon. Brit Lit- bored
Free study period- either at home or lib. in a reminiscent mood
3. 11:40 AP Chem: nerdy, relaxed
4. 1:15 getting back home- depressed, lonely
5. Night- can't sleep, worried, lucky if i get 3 hours
So thats pretty much my day, it doesn't change much...fridays and sats include work, yay...

I'm determained to win this years NCMA scholarship. I improved so much in may/june studying with Lily but after not practicing for over a month, i feel like i'm starting over agian. My fingers feel dead and the keys feel hard. My piano is also out of tune & the e flat key is too loud, grrrr.

I was driving and i started thinking...wow, what if what i imagine or hope my future will be like becomes completly different from what it will actually be, in a bad way that is. I can't help feeling so insecure in not knowing...but i know i shouldn't be. I think what i fear most is failure, abandonment, lonliness, and extreme depression. God, this is pathetic

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